Tag: Relationships

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Journey My Insights

Struggle to cut through the regulars..

Many of our relationship issues are connected to our disappointments with ourselves. I strongly believe that since some time. The ego trips, clashes or disagreements that one has on a usual basis in the house are mostly because of the disappointment you have about how your life is going on right now.

For example, I love to take vacations and travel. If I get to do that often I’m a different person altogether. Everything else that I need to take care of OR not working out properly becomes a miniature issue. I sail through pretty fine from it.

I believe it is all a vicious circle where you are disappointed with yourself, then you find yourself helpless in some way, then you are disappointed that your life is not going the way you want it go, that its not so exciting any more, then you are disappointed in your spouse that he/she is not doing enough to make a difference in it, that he/she is engrossed in their individual lives more than us as a couple, then no matter how much you try to pull it altogether it just keeps falling apart. Life seems awesome for a few days and is very stagnant on others. For a while there is an ultimate warmth & intimacy in relationships and you find it vanishing eventually.

Unless you have your goals, plans and dreams jotted down. Unless you really have something to look forward to. Unless after every few years you recreate your relationships and what you want in life. Unless you and your spouse are partners in love or better in crime too 😉

Its easier said than done. That’s the exact reason why I am struggling big time right now. My mentor from my ‘Effectiveness Seminar – Landmark Education‘ that I am attending made a point last Saturday. He said, ‘Life or anything in your life is never stagnant. Its either expanding or contracting. You need to take some actions to make sure you are always expanding.’ It was a ‘Ting’ moment for me. Did I not know this before? Well I did, that’s the exact reason why I joined the Effectiveness seminar but somewhere down the line I lost my focus from what exactly I want to alter in my life.

He made another point that, ‘You will find yourself in stage of Stability when you find yourself bored, not excited or things start looking as regular’ That is a stage where you feel the need of more. Because when you come to a stage of Stability you gotta Expand. You gotta make new plans, focus on new goals, change what’s been regular and fill excitement in your life. If you don’t, you start contracting and you find yourself often disappointed than happy.

I realised at that moment, that this stage has come in my married life and/or in my individual life. Where it needs a newness. Something that will alter tomorrow.

I don’t know the entire list of things that will make a difference. But I want to start with small projects or goals that I can see now. Like taking up writing my novel, losing weight, planning a long vacation, taking a month’s break from work for writing, looking for a specialised job, moving to a different city/country and having a baby.

The plan is not concrete yet. But I have realized by now that I have high expectations from myself. And if I don’t live up to them then I am disappointed with myself. And then clearly I am disappointed with the world. And if I make plans and complete them then I am a sorted human being who hardly has issues with what’s going on around. I have also noticed that if I take out time and do what I love like writing my novel then I’m a calmer human being which eventually may lead to harmony and warmth in my relationships.

So consider this as a declaration that I am writing my novel. I am about 4500+ words down, with first few scenes laid down on the paper. I am shit scared as to what will happen next or whether I will ever complete it. But its keeping me sane, its keeping on top of things, its giving me a sense of completeness so I am writing. And the target is to complete it before my birthday in September. Sort of like a present to myself !

Here I have, something to look forward to…but still gotta keep the spark alive and work on the rest of the list…. 🙂

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Silent Thoughts

I thought..

I thought

You were gone out of my system.

That I successfully let you go.

I conquered my emotions.

I took control of my mood swings.

I thought

I could go to the same locations without being restless

That I was free from the pain.

That I regained the charge of my life.

I thought

I was ready to see you on roads

I was confident of falling in love again

I was good with just your memories

I was not lonely at all

I thought 

Its been a long time and it doesn’t hurt any more

and Its just another relationship which didn’t see the future

and it was just another experience in life which taught me a lot

I thought I was healed and back to normal to go back to my previous life

I thought I had many people to talk to and its okay if you are not around

I thought I will not miss you so much after such a long time

I thought I will never feel your touch and warmth so frequently

I thought I am done mourning over the loss and ready to take on the world

BUT

I was wrong..About almost everything!

You are still very much around, everyday, in everything I do or everything I think about.

I can still feel you in my arms perfectly fitting in there and loving me with all you’ve got.

How can it be that after so much time I cant call you my EX.. and you are still a guy who I loved a lot.

And I still do..

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Do you feel complete..I don’t..

Ignore me. Don’t talk to me.

Don’t see me.

Avoid my thoughts coming in.

Don’t walk the road which I may pass from.

Stop listening to my favorite songs.

Spend more time working.

Don’t meet people who might speak about me.

Stop visiting the places where we sat once.

Ditch that restaurant forever, as last time we were romancing there.

Stop socializing more often.

Stick to the good old lousy people. It’s easier that way.

Tell yourself you don’t love me.

Decide of not meeting me again.

Avoid keeping any know-hows about my life.

Hate me in your thoughts. Keep on showing me that you hate me.

Shut doors on me. Shut doors on any of my entrances.

Fake that the life is most happiest, now that I’m not around.

Promise yourself not to love anyone again.

Have an attitude of Who the Hell Cares.

Confirm again and again that nothing hurts you. It never has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do everything you want, to forget and move on.

Just tell me something..

Can you spend a night without remembering me?

While laughing out loud, do you suddenly feel extremely empty?

When someone pisses you off, do you run out of faces to share it with?

When there is no one to listen to your clever plans about life and your small little issues? Do you think I should have been there?

Sometime in the day, do you feel ‘Oh man.. what the hell is going on in life’?

Oh Baby, just tell me do you feel complete? do you feel alive? 

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Journey Silent Thoughts

Insanity of this year..

Loss, Pain. Regrets.

I had never tasted these words like I did in this year. I think I never quite understood the meaning of these words until now. Never ever lost anyone before in my life, neither did I feel the pain of not having someone around or having major – shattering regrets in life. Now I know the impact of these words – on me and others.

Till date I have always lived my life on my own terms. Like Dominic Toretto says in The Fast and Furious, ” I live my life quarter mile at a time…for those 10 seconds and less I’m free” I have been seeing few days out at the max and would jump into it. Then Morality, People, Commitments, Have To’s, Should be’s nothing else matters.

All my decisions, may they be related to Education, Job, Career, Love interests, Marriage, Any relationships or me as an individual personality all were driven by “Whether I am happy in this?” or “Whether someone I love is happy with this?” That’s it, all my decisions could be very well categorized under these two questions.

I have made many mistakes in life. May it be being rebellious to my parents, neglecting my family, breaking the commitment in relationship or dropping out from education at one point or falling in love with the wrong person. All have given me big jerks, some sailed me through to good opportunities and some landed me in a soup. But frankly all was okay, all was bearable, all was manageable until now. May be my age helped me through. I had my privileges being young, pampered and yet sensible n responsible in certain things. Every one has some “Sail through” Ace cards!

Those cards have stopped working for me now. This year outran my options to cope n still be the same.

I don’t know whether it happens to everyone or not. That overall everything in life looks perfect but deep down you know the difference between your Own self image of Jan 2014 and Dec 2014. It’s like all are pluses but there are so many minuses killing the experience of it all. And the worst part is, you can’t explain how.

For people, you have just put on 6-7 kgs of weight but for yourself you know there is a lot that freaking happened which led you into this. Loved ones may say, you are resigned about your life or doing some drastic change in your life or career but you know that – that resigned feeling is just eating you from inside and you don’t want it. For people, you can say certain person in life hurt me and I don’t want to be together anymore but in your heart you know the small little things got crushed in the process and you were left standing alone in the middle of the road. For people, I lost my grandfather and they would are sorry to hear that but only you know that – you regret every fucking minute you spent in making him wrong than realizing how much you love him. For people, the death of such an elderly man is expected but for yourself you know how it changed the face of my family or my father. For yourself you know what has changed in me after understanding the thin line between Life and Memories. For people, they may see that you are not socializing anymore but you know how your social existence is killed not just because you are a bit resigned but also because having a best friend has been a fucking nightmare and you might as well be with yourself, at least there is no emotional setback kept there.

I have never been so vulnerable to emotions of sadness, helplessness, loss, pain or regrets the much I have been in this year. And I know everyone who loves me thinks, the girl they see today is lovely & much better version of me. But yet the Daydreaming, Reckless, Carefree, Playful, Experimenting, Banging head on everything, Being happy for no reason, Unpredictable or Going with the flow kind of me is gonna be less found now.

I don’t like it but cant help much. Auto mode is very difficult to outdo, if you know what I mean. So here I am stumbling through, trying to find a way through this year.

Yet there is a good news here, Year 2014 is not coming back! Its a one-time tragedy.

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Journey

And Emptiness Creeps in..

What Can I say! It just does.. No matter what, you just cant control it at times!

Well all relationships are going strong, work is good, goals & aspirations are in front, people are appreciating everything I do… Everything seems to be almost perfect. But somewhere something is missing. Unless I meet this missing, I will be vulnerable.

Vulnerable to emptiness, sadness, loneliness and all other so called versions of depression. I don’t want to be! Seriously, I have spent few months in that phase and it kills. It literally spreads like a virus crashing your system.

emptiness-imageI tried to generate, I tried to distract myself, I tried to face it, deal with it, I even tried to ignore it but uhh no luck. Its giving me a company everywhere I go since few days. Every laugh, every happiness has a slight flavor of unfulfillment.

I thought about it a lot.. Why has it come back? Why can’t I fight it powerfully this time? Why is it lingering here for 3-4 days? I have everything then what do I need? But still no answer.

Some of the weird speculations that i story-lined myself were..

I think I need a Solo travel to figure out what I really want in life.

I think I need to be workaholic so these thoughts will not come in my way

I think I need to go on a long vacation with my family

I think I want to write a novel

I think I need to learn dancing

I think I need to take a break for a month from everything

I think I need to start something new of my own

I think I need to start social work in some aspect

I think I want to just take-off somewhere with a friend

I think I want to move to a different city or country..

Uff Everything is unreal and real at the same time! I realized I am trying to find that one thing I can do or have that will change everything forever.

it-s-me_designThat’s so silly, its no magic. There is no Harry Potter and his wand lying at the corner. There is no such ONE thing, that will make things perfect from almost perfect. Its just ME and my creation that is going to save the day, everyday.

Somewhere I see I have stopped creating my life everyday. My goals and hobbies are in dreams not in existence. I am taking steps to figure out what can move me forward but not really implementing those steps. That’s the reason this stationary passive phase is disturbing me 😐

So here’s to the creation of Goals today! My mentor said, “its a good day to be powerful in the face of whatever life throws at you”..

So be it 🙂

 

 

 

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Journey My Insights

Tattooing with Happiness..

Birds, Symbols, Stars, Eagles, Fishes, Doves, Smileys, Names, Quotes! Out of all this I chose to write “Happiness” on my right hand.

Happiness with a heart around it – Inked for life!

IMG_20140629_134839_edit_editIt was a big step, a very big one. Well a girl like me talking about permanent tattoo must have given a cultural shock to many. And to my Family? Family full of doctors, very well educated-cultured, doing social work kind of people and their daughter walks up-to them about getting a tattoo done. Don’t know what my parents must have felt but they accepted it very well. May be they saw that I wanted it bad. May be they could sense the feeling I have about the tattoo.

But frankly more than anyone else being surprised, I am surprised with my move. One day I had this intense passionate feeling about getting a tattoo done, I did some brainstorming on why I want it, I looked for options on the same day , I started working on the design in next few days and before a month was complete I had a Tattoo on my hand.

While traveling alone for 4hours to get a tattoo done, I realized how committed I am about it. How important is it for me to dedicate this. I realized how much love, relationships and happiness I get out of it matters to me. I realized my center of universe is my people in my life.

Why Happiness

My friend pinged me the other day and asked “Why Happiness”.. my immediate response was its “dedicated to the one/s who have given me sheer happiness in my life. Its like the puzzle of my life got completed with the presence of that happiness.”

And I was like WOW.. Was I this crystal clear about my tattoo before getting it done? Well yes, it was only lying behind the crazy enthusiasm to get it done!

I am originally a very emotional person, small things, big things they all affect me. As much as I am leading my life with a bang, I also get into depression that fast. So this Happiness will remind me that its not the end of the world, some people love you unconditionally.

Everyone has their own version of Happiness. We choose to define something as happiness and it becomes that. I totally believe that now..

To my source of happiness.. Thank you, I’m loving it..

 

 

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Journey My Insights

Freedom from Have To’s…

I’m a girl with specifications and preferences! As much as it is difficult for people to put up with me, its more painful for me at times. I have so many expectations from myself that I am living under some kind of pressure always. I have to reach somewhere at all times. Some work is incomplete no matter what 😦

While I was listening to my coach talk to someone yesterday, I realized my major source of restlessness and dissatisfaction comes from the desire to Be Perfect in any case. Perfect at workplace, at home while doing household chores, while talking to someone, in all my relationships whether it be Family or Friends , or even while writing a blog. I have to be perfect even while messaging someone or even putting a status on Facebook. How insane is that!

video-undefined-1D6F71A200000578-763_636x358How will I or anyone in the world be perfect always? Theoretically I clearly know that its impossible. But how many times can I implement this concept? Hardly few times!

 

Its so automatic need to be Perfect that it runs my life. It puts me into difficult conditions where I have to multitask so much that I forget few things to be done, my quality of work decreases, people around me always see me running around and unsettled. It drains the energy out of me where nothing creative or entertaining can be even thought of. Even the choice of movies that I see have to perfect – filled with Sense, Good story, Good message and great actors, if not then it leaves me in discomfort. Novels that I choose have to be connecting, worth cherishing, leaving some impact, which has good language flare if not then I declare it useless and don’t read them.

Talking about love interests, Ahh I only choose the one who is Gem of  a person and has the ability to be the best in all areas of his life! and when I’m in love , relationship gets old and I start seeing some errors then the whole new level of struggle starts. For him and me both.

No wonder people connected to me keep on saying you are too attached to this Don’t be. You are expecting a bit too much, don’t do that. People complain and complain and complain about my intimidation, over-caring and expecting perfectness but the complains don’t reach my ears many times. As I don’t get time from being Perfect myself!

i am enoughThis realization hit me right on my face like and tears started rolling down. I understood how much impact it has on my life in Career, with relationships or my aspirations just everywhere. Being Perfect is my identity or personality since last 25 years its not going to go anywhere. But If I’m aware of this most of the times of the day then I will be able Be Sane as much as possible 😉  and my quality of life will improve for sure.

Now, I am going to be free of all the HAVE TO’S I put on myself. I am going to have the freedom of choosing to do or not do certain things. I am ready to let go of things that are not working out after a point, rather than using all my energy to trying to fix it. Putting myself and others in jeopardy isn’t going to give me any fulfillment in life.

So I am choosing the freedom from Have To’s today! Sighhh…of relief !

 

 

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Journey

5 things my BF’s must have hated in me…

Oh Yes !! Those of you who have been In and Out of Love, very well know how much of our lives have been impacted because of our relationships…Thankfully its true for Guys and girls 😉

One thing I’m dead sure, that guys who I have been close to Loved me with all their heart. At some point, they loved me more than anything else in life. But there also came a time, when they hated me from the core 😛

1. I Over-Share.. Well yes, I agree I do!

I want to share about the good movie I watched, excellent book that I read, romantic restaurant I went to or a blessed vacation I went to. Who likes a girl for long who talks too much or who wants you to share everything 😉

On top that, I hate to keep secrets. So I can imagine the frustration guys must have gone through because no one would like their good or bads to be published on the blog or spoken out in friends. Love is such an important thing in my life that at times, I just cant control but share with the world what you are or who you are to me.

Isn’t blogging one of the results of over-sharing 😛

2. I Over-Give in the relationship.. Heard of anyone who gives 110% in the relationship? 😉

I don’t get tired or bored of a person. I certainly can’t be mad for more than few hours( it was minutes once) So no matter what happens, If I am in love… I am always caring about you, your family, your health, your work, your aspirations and all your needs. I like to know everything and be an integral part of your life. I have no regrets in compromising my own plans if its going to give him happiness. I care more than imagined or expected.

Guys need so called space all the time ;-0, and I certainly suck at giving that!

3. I don’t like change.. If the one I love starts behaving differently its utterly difficult for me to cope!

I wait for that I love you message, casual conversation about the day, plans to meet next time or need the feeling connected always. If that doesn’t happen, it makes me restless. I expect a guy to put his commitment towards the relation first, even when we have had steaming fights 😉 Which guy on earth will do this 😉

Guys don’t like to be so emotionally connected everyday, they like to be there when they feel like it. Freaking Unbalanced scenario.

4. I am emotionally dependent.. I hate this one too!

My happiness, sadness or peace of mind depends on the partner. A fight or misunderstanding affects me like you cant imagine. I sulk, I am disoriented, I get into depression or just fall ill. It definitely might be scaring the hell out of a guy to cope up with a girl like this. I am just so used to that person being around in all good or bad moments that I loose the sight of tomorrow, if even the thought of he not being there approaches me.

They say, a girl is only a sweet friend till she is independent and not emotional !

5. You are my fairytale.. Lol.. my partners have criticized me most for this!

If we are in love, going strong then you are as good as that absolutely stunning character in a romantic novel or Jerry in PS I love you! I will gift you , I will surprise you, I will make romantic plans, I would treat our togetherness as the most important thing, I will go to any limits to support you or I will do just anything to make you happy. For me constraints of Money, Time, People or Engagements matter very less because all along you are my first priority. Most of the guys don’t treat their relation as priority..

Naturally the pressure of keeping up with my all time enthusiastic soul must be difficult 😉

With all said and done, my relationships have always ROCKED like hell 😉 With no pretense, no manipulation..only naturally flowing emotions from both (love or hate) they are PURE!!

Everyone who has been close to me deserve to be awarded for keeping up with me at some point and still loving me incredibly 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Insights Observations

Valentines Day..Uff not again!

Seriously, who created this day! The much I thank god for creating Birthdays , is the much I hate whoever created Valentines day!

Its been many years I have been In love, experienced many forms of love and shared lovely relationships..But boy this day is definitely over-hyped than any other celebrations..

I always face a profound battle between my girly expectations and practical thinking.

To clarify it more .. I badly expect my lover to plan for everything and making me feel like princess, getting roses and chocolate cake and a gift and telling me how much he loves me, how much he wants me in his life and trust me the list has few more pointers… 😉

CelebrateValentines_DayChocolate_freecomputerdesktopwallpaper_2560But at the same time I think, what bullshit is this? its a normal everyday sort of day. I already know he loves me, he says that everyday, I already know how much he wants me in his life, he doesn’t need to get roses, gifts and plan a lavish evening to tell me that, he already takes care of me so well; I don’t need to be felt like princess just for one day.. and it goes on..

But I know myself very well.. No matter how practically I think, I would still expect him to meet me, make plans with me and make the evening special..

After experiencing the same dilemma every year, facing good & bad valentines day, overwhelming happiness & utter disappointments and realization, I believe its time to really dig into this.

Expectations and disappointments are not new to anyone. But why expect so much on this bloody valentine’s day! I did some so called thinking.. I think there is something beyond feeling special that you expect that day. We live in a very volatile & unsteady world which is a huge hiccup in our romantic relationships. Catching-up, roaming around, sharing with each other, having someone around when you need, doing what you like together etc. all of this has become very rare. You really have to try and take efforts to be with each other to spend some quality time. And everything you do comes with a expiry duration tag.

I think on that ONE day, you want that piece of your quality time, feel of early days of relationship , freedom from worries of work & money and just some rosy time with your loved one. Its probably the Rightful day that has gotten created, for the two people to get along and speak about them , their future, their plans and their relationship. Its one day , when the two people hold hands and plan what happens next with them.

Its Sweet, Pure , Genuine and Romantic!

But one should never wait for other person to plan. Initiating to make the evening special is not over-hyped at all, its nice and might not lead to disappointments. Expectations are good but waiting for someone to take an action  and letting it lead to disappointment & fight is definitely not good for any relationship.

So this valentines day I have decided to Expect with my full heart and plan.. Whatever happens, I already know he loves me.. ;););)

Categories
My Insights

Wohhoo! its feels great to be back here..

Somewhere in last few months, i reduced writing! I was thinking why that happened..

I just realized I write when I’m emotionally composed. I cherish writing as a hobby it comes to me naturally.When relationships, friendships, work, feeling of being contented and career growth are going well (hand-in-hand) then I’m composed. Or else I behave like a disoriented child who doesn’t have a clue of whats happening around 😉

So that suggests that now I’m sort of living the best time of life..

Seriously what else one needs in life.. A loving & understanding husband, an always there kind of best-friend, few good friends , gradual career growth, getting to work on new things , getting to learn new things, earning enough (but not enough) and most importantly rock solid support & love by family!

Shakkkyyy  -> More Shakkkyyy -> Getting Better -> Stabilizing ————-> Stable

Last 3-4 years, I realize now how its shaped. I’m still at Stabilizing mode, but hope to cross that phase soon.

So I’m going to write more.. More about my experiences, my friends, my work experiences and relationships.. Yesterday a friend of mine insisted that I should not stop writing and here I am thanks to her !

Yo 2014!