Tag: Romance

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Silent Thoughts

Ishq ka ye sitam!!

He was right here for such a long time and now I pretty much pushed him away! And what remains is this unquenching thirst that no alcohol or water can fill.

The pain is growing every day and I thought I can do this without him but I am not sure anymore.

Almost as if, there’s a hole in my heart that I am trying to forget that it exists. He travels with me fucking everywhere and now I can’t find a way to ease this pain. This wasn’t supposed to be like this, and definitely not again!

This isn’t what I signed up for and I kept avoiding this for the longest time But now that he isn’t here, I realize I have been into it forever, I just didn’t know it before!!

Hey you, I miss you!

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My Insights

Pretzels!

The pain isn’t that we both are now all grown-up and have responsibilities. The pain is that in between those balancing acts of life, he forgot he is leaving me behind every day. That that money will fill the house but not the heart. That holding hand was once a natural phenomenon but now feels like an act of PDA, eventually leading to – Maybe it’s better, let’s not hold it at all.

We aren’t doing this purposely, even he isn’t. But this is how we have chosen to compromise. Years of putting relationship over everything else has now led us to keep the relationship at the farthest distance. But I miss him. I freaking miss everything about us.

Isn’t that what I keep saying about everything and everyone in my life? At times I feel I am a super pessimist and an unfulfilled personality that would see the half glass empty all her life. Maybe he doesn’t even like me anymore, but do I like myself? Does anyone like me anymore?

Idk; my life is like a twisted pretzel without a clear path or a start and end. Crispy, tasty, and unpredictable from the outside but very predictable at the same time. And like when one pretzel isn’t enough, for me, one complicated situation isn’t enough in my life. It has to be in multiples and equally mysterious and adventurous. Isn’t that what he knows about me? Or maybe he forgot! All these years, none of us remember what the other one likes; all lines have blurred, but the fire to make it tasty and worthwhile remains. Oh yea, I am still talking about the pretzels. Yes, the same ones I craved for in my entire pregnancy.

He and I two peas in a pod, never leaving each other’s side but constantly trying to look away from each other! Did I say I miss him?

Categories
Silent Thoughts

No, no! No romance for me!!

Prateek Kuhad is turning my emotions up and down, and what I can say, I love some trouble!! No, I am not talking about sex here!! He’s sowing some seeds of love, romance, that sheepish feeling of being in love, that feeling of experiencing romance in the fresh morning air, as if you’re in the best phase of your life, and might just like everything he does. Those feet are getting dragged in his direction and waiting for his text or a line that will move you within! As if you want to spend all the time in the world with him and nothing else!!

Well, I have been through all of this and it’s different dimension that you can’t return from for many months and years! Who wants to be possessed by someone such that? Not me. Prateek’s songs are reminding me that I was a romantic. Hearts and flowers! But not anymore; there’s no amount of heart-twitching songs that can take me back to being the same girl.

But I fight what Prateek Kuhad is instilling within me with everything I have got. And I love the Cold War inside of my heart, just not ready to fall in love. Not again!

I wish I could leave my love but my heart is a mess! My days they begin with your name and nights end with your name.. with your breath.. when I feel cold, I keep you close..

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Just not me

He was just here, wasn’t he? How can he not be? I imagined him touching my face and my neckline just now. Slowly moving his hands all over my body and feeling it all in. I just closed my eyes and whispered his name. I opened my lips to see if he wants to kiss me. And he did.
In my dreams. In my imagination. In my previous life. When I was me, his lover.
How can he not be here when he was so here? Like a soul touching my heart and never leaving my side. One that’s always there when I needed it, quietly, patiently, with only unconditional love and nothing else.
Not sure if it was the rains or the beer, I couldn’t help but feel his love through my veins today. He needs to start loving me a little less. And love someone else or something else. Just not me. Either of us cant endure more pain than this. This much is enough.
No, I absolutely can’t start feeling his presence in every moment in my life. No, not again. There’s nothing more heart wrenching than that.

Hey, are you still here?

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Journey

Just some Tuesday thoughts

Those men are just in movies and books who sweep you off your feet and stay forever. Well, who knows if they stay like that forever, we only get to see the movie until they get married or find a way to each other after a grave realization. Until now, I never believed that I may have tried to fit in a few men in my life into those character buckets. And well, they fit in for a while, and then they didn’t. Which was natural. But guess what? I was 22 or 25 or even 28 at that time. Now I am bigger, and my day is filled with “if my daughter is full or still hungry” thoughts.

Even at almost 32, the girl in me hasn’t changed. I still believe in fairy tales and those moments where “a guy will tuck in my face in his hands and say you’re beautiful,”; whereas every breath in me believes I’m not. I weigh 10 kg more than before, I work more and relax no more, and I dressed up as a lady last in 2017. But hey, pregnancy, delivery, and childbirth fucks up your body, mind, relationships, and, most importantly, self-worth. But when that child takes you close when you’re low, every tear that rolls down knows you are saved. She saves me every time.

From my mind, from my issues, from my needs, from the negativity in my life.

This is what I was listening to when I wrote this blog! Go ahead, it’s surprisingly breathtakingly lovely.

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My Insights Observations

Valentines Day..Uff not again!

Seriously, who created this day! The much I thank god for creating Birthdays , is the much I hate whoever created Valentines day!

Its been many years I have been In love, experienced many forms of love and shared lovely relationships..But boy this day is definitely over-hyped than any other celebrations..

I always face a profound battle between my girly expectations and practical thinking.

To clarify it more .. I badly expect my lover to plan for everything and making me feel like princess, getting roses and chocolate cake and a gift and telling me how much he loves me, how much he wants me in his life and trust me the list has few more pointers… 😉

CelebrateValentines_DayChocolate_freecomputerdesktopwallpaper_2560But at the same time I think, what bullshit is this? its a normal everyday sort of day. I already know he loves me, he says that everyday, I already know how much he wants me in his life, he doesn’t need to get roses, gifts and plan a lavish evening to tell me that, he already takes care of me so well; I don’t need to be felt like princess just for one day.. and it goes on..

But I know myself very well.. No matter how practically I think, I would still expect him to meet me, make plans with me and make the evening special..

After experiencing the same dilemma every year, facing good & bad valentines day, overwhelming happiness & utter disappointments and realization, I believe its time to really dig into this.

Expectations and disappointments are not new to anyone. But why expect so much on this bloody valentine’s day! I did some so called thinking.. I think there is something beyond feeling special that you expect that day. We live in a very volatile & unsteady world which is a huge hiccup in our romantic relationships. Catching-up, roaming around, sharing with each other, having someone around when you need, doing what you like together etc. all of this has become very rare. You really have to try and take efforts to be with each other to spend some quality time. And everything you do comes with a expiry duration tag.

I think on that ONE day, you want that piece of your quality time, feel of early days of relationship , freedom from worries of work & money and just some rosy time with your loved one. Its probably the Rightful day that has gotten created, for the two people to get along and speak about them , their future, their plans and their relationship. Its one day , when the two people hold hands and plan what happens next with them.

Its Sweet, Pure , Genuine and Romantic!

But one should never wait for other person to plan. Initiating to make the evening special is not over-hyped at all, its nice and might not lead to disappointments. Expectations are good but waiting for someone to take an action  and letting it lead to disappointment & fight is definitely not good for any relationship.

So this valentines day I have decided to Expect with my full heart and plan.. Whatever happens, I already know he loves me.. ;););)