Life

On feeling blue!

I woke up this morning with a big jolt! As if someone saw right through me and has laid down all my life on a paper with an attempt to make sense of it all. Only if they knew that it isn’t easy! It could easily be the most challenging thing they have ever done in their life…

But honestly, I wonder if there’s a person (man or woman) who wishes to unfold all of me. Like there’s no other purpose to their life than unveiling all layers of me and joining the dots. I secretly hope there’s someone ready to dedicate everything they had to happily fall prey to the pain and subtle happiness they would get from it.

But why would anyone leave their life and focus on me? Why would they be ready to fall into a journey all by themselves only to break down and being scarred for life? Yes, that can happen!

Love, maybe. But, they got to know, I don’t have space for love anymore in my life. Seriously! Well, that could be a lie. I don’t know; I am not sure. But, seriously, I don’t think I can pick up the pieces once again and act strong as if nothing happened. Whereas what actually lies underneath is far from okay. Nope, I am not that strong and optimistic about life anymore. don’t think I can do it again – Recollecting yourself, finding a purpose, rekindling the lost relationships, and spending years building myself and the life around me. Nope, too much work!

But, seriously, isn’t that what life is all about? Taking a plunge, giving it everything you got only to realize that everything has an expiry date. Followed by a gut-wrenching pain that doesn’t stop and only fades a little so that we can move on a little. So, we can put one foot in front of another. And forget and forgive and be courageous. But mind you, that pain is just hidden inside a box inside your chest. It can burst open just by a minor incident or a place, or a familiar person. Almost as if that box is waiting for it to be open and when nudged, it takes the shape of pouring rain that often ends up hurting people. Your body is then drenched in the pain one more time. To be wet, as long as you can imagine. Until you see a new purpose again or take off emotionally!

And then it’s another day. Another path. Another experience. Another passion. Another reason to live and die for. Only to freaking fall into the same ditch again.

A shadow of gloom!

Your internal monologue jeopardizes your daily life. Get out of it, pick yourself up, and get on with what you need to!

Modified and simplified version of something I heard

Two days back…

At first, I didn’t want to work; then I didn’t want to eat, then I didn’t want to talk to anyone, then I didn’t want to watch tv or do anything I usually do in the day, then I didn’t want to be with anyone… I just wanted to be alone! I didn’t realize it until the evening, but I was sucked into it. It was a slight arrival of depression stream, and I was going deep into it with every passing minute. It was the same sinking feeling that I am so familiar with. It weighs 100kgs, and you can’t pick yourself up or feel anything beyond being numb.

Eventually, I realized there’s a short lil life dependent on me, so I had to drag myself out and start with small tiny things. I literally behaved as a child who celebrates small wins. And sailed through the day.

But, I realized today after hearing a talk in the morning that in the end, it all started with that first thought of – No, I don’t feel like working today. It isn’t easy to judge whether it is a normal feeling that you get on a Monday occurring out of a great weekend, Or it is the start of something that can eat up your whole day/ week. Days filled with child care and squishing work into it make it difficult for me to see through clearly, but slowly I feel I need a mechanism.

It is highly unrealistic to expect myself to make out the difference every time, through all that goes in the day!

Plus, it is time to see a therapist formally! I just can’t procrastinate anymore!!

No, no! No romance for me!!

Prateek Kuhad is turning my emotions up and down, and what I can say, I love some trouble!! No, I am not talking about sex here!! He’s sowing some seeds of love, romance, that sheepish feeling of being in love, that feeling of experiencing romance in the fresh morning air, as if you’re in the best phase of your life, and might just like everything he does. Those feet are getting dragged in his direction and waiting for his text or a line that will move you within! As if you want to spend all the time in the world with him and nothing else!!

Well, I have been through all of this and it’s different dimension that you can’t return from for many months and years! Who wants to be possessed by someone such that? Not me. Prateek’s songs are reminding me that I was a romantic. Hearts and flowers! But not anymore; there’s no amount of heart-twitching songs that can take me back to being the same girl.

But I fight what Prateek Kuhad is instilling within me with everything I have got. And I love the Cold War inside of my heart, just not ready to fall in love. Not again!

I wish I could leave my love but my heart is a mess! My days they begin with your name and nights end with your name.. with your breath.. when I feel cold, I keep you close..

Just not me

He was just here, wasn’t he? How can he not be? I imagined him touching my face and my neckline just now. Slowly moving his hands all over my body and feeling it all in. I just closed my eyes and whispered his name. I opened my lips to see if he wants to kiss me. And he did.
In my dreams. In my imagination. In my previous life. When I was me, his lover.
How can he not be here when he was so here? Like a soul touching my heart and never leaving my side. One that’s always there when I needed it, quietly, patiently, with only unconditional love and nothing else.
Not sure if it was the rains or the beer, I couldn’t help but feel his love through my veins today. He needs to start loving me a little less. And love someone else or something else. Just not me. Either of us cant endure more pain than this. This much is enough.
No, I absolutely can’t start feeling his presence in every moment in my life. No, not again. There’s nothing more heart wrenching than that.

Hey, are you still here?

I hope it’s okay if I love you forever Jack

This line from “A Star is Born” strikes some chords it rather not have. It touched a part of me that he conquered for a while and left a mark on me that changed my view towards loving someone completely. In fact, changed my life forever. And yet, I have accepted that our time together was limited, as it should be. Well I don’t even want to have the same connection with him anymore, or anyone. I just don’t have it in me to pick up the pieces again. Shattering once was enough, I don’t want to go through that again.. But then again..

I can’t stop loving that person from those times who must have changed as the time passed by and could be totally unrecognisable now. But I guess that’s okay. It my pain to carry.

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

 

My First Solo Travel.. The Why’s of it all!

Sometime in the month of December, I thought to myself.. that life is not happening. Happening in an enjoyment way and also in a not working out way! And i said no one else is going to change the situation for me & no one else is going to do my share of work n retrospection for it.

That day and Today.. Things have moved, things have been better.. I have been happy, We have been better.. My confusion has reduced, my temper is in control… My cold heart has become a bit warmer… I am a bit sorted than earlier… So the trip started working for me right after i booked for it!!

Bidway, I go on my first solo trip on coming Saturday, 20th Feb 2016 to 3 untraveled places in Uttarakhand, India. For 8 complete days. 

For 8 complete days, living alone looked like an impossible thing. Well it still does. I wont lie, I am having a cold feet since ystd evening. And I did have my crying session in front of my husband in the morning!

Its difficult! Leaving alone, managing alone, staying alone, ordering food alone, eating alone, sleeping alone… And specifically not being able to talk about all small little things.. At least as of now, it does look damn difficult!

A friend of mine said the other day, ‘If you like to be alone, you will enjoy it.’ But the point is, I don’t know what I like. Being with someone for 10 years makes you forget what exactly gives you self-satisfaction and pure happiness. Because everything you do, you do it together. And you always have someone at arm’s length, so you never have to stretch your hand beyond a distance.

I call myself an independent girl..woman, whatever! But since the time i have booked myself for a solo trip, I can see all my dependencies on my husband, my comfort at home, my parents and my everyday routine. I have become a bit considerate and warmer towards everyone whom I am dependent on.

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The thing is.. I am going to stumble upon few things, I am going to feel lost many times, I am going to regret going solo a couple of times, I am going to miss home food many many times.. and most of all staying without my husband and sleeping without him by my side.. is gonna be the toughest thing ever.. Everything that can make me uncomfortable, may happen. I may not like my own company..

But that’s the point… The reason I want to go solo is be comfortable with myself..is to realize a few things I want in my life Vs. I think i want..is to unshackle myself from the things i cling on to or the decisions i just don’t take at all..

All said and done.. I just want to be !!

P.S. I am going to post my travel’s photos on Instagram , Follow me there! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escaping from myself!

d102044bc0460b2d4e59e9ed48b7a8ebI am tired, truly tired. Of myself. Today all I want do is to escape from myself. The way I am, the way I behave, my thoughts, emotions, ambitions my needs, memories, my fantasies… every bloody thing about being ME is eating me up today. I can come out of myself and can actually see a different person inside. Its sickens me to see how I have changed in last few years. There was a time I was so comfortable n happy with myself and my decisions. Now, I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I walk on a path for a while, it gives me happiness and then I am amazed to see that its just the fucking upper layer. Deep within its still empty n unsatisfied. Then its a vicious cycle. I am so tired of this routine.

I  am so bloody choked n speechless right now that I cant even write a proper line anymore. I actually googled some quotes about ‘Escaping from myself’, So lame… May be this is just to re-iterate how i am feeling!

“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”
― Anaïs Nin, Incest: From a Journal of Love

“Besides the alternate universe offered by a book, the quiet space of a museum was my favorite place to go. My mom said I was an escapist at heart . . . that I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one. It’s true that I’ve always been able to yank myself out of this world and plunge myself into another.”
― Amy Plum, Die for Me

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”
― William S. Burroughs

“Her body was a prison, her mind was a prison. Her memories were a prison. The people she loved. She couldn’t get away from the hurt of them. She could leave Eric, walk out of her apartment, walk forever if she liked, but she couldn’t escape what really hurt. Tonight even the sky felt like a prison.”
― Ann Brashares, Sisterhood Everlasting

“A smiling lie is a whirlwind, easy to enter, but hard to escape.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, The Sun Watches the Sun

“But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.”
― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

Fuck man, what do i do!

 

Satisfaction

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I seem to be losing track of what that is!

There is so much going on in the mind all the time and most of it are the desires/things which are out of my reach or out of track. It looks like absolutely nothing satisfies me anymore.

Job, Money, Things, Travel, Writing, Reading, Music, Family Time, Spending time with my husband, Love, Sex, Romance, Catching up with Friends… Nothing is quite there! I don’t feel the way I used to about any of this earlier, as if I have become so out of place/cold that I cant match up to anything at all. Everything around me looks like the broken pieces of a cadbury which don’t really satisfy my urge of eating a chocolate.

It kills me to keep generating myself to be in the moment, take what surroundings give you, suck it in, let it sink… and enjoy. But apparently it still doesn’t quite complete the circle.

I have noticed my interest in everything around is decreasing day by day and suddenly comes a day when I am all out having fun. The swings are frustrating. Not sure if these are my hormones speaking or have i been always like this!

Its confusing, irritating and sinking feeling! I want to be satisfied in my job, in what I do, in my love life, in my family life.. I want to be able to stop n say that THIS IS IT and repeat that many times. But hell no, its not happening.

My eyes, ears, hands, mind, brain.. everything looks out of sync.. searching for something else all the time. Without an end to it!

Anyway..