I wish she were here!
No one took me seriously when I said a part of me went missing when she left us all! They consoled me without asking the depth of this feeling…
Possibly, because I was on a high at the time.. of having a baby, for being in one of the best phases of my life, I didn’t even mourn or gave her leaving enough importance. I was relieved with her going as it reduced my family from the relentless efforts they took every day.
And now I am here. Look at other women in my morning walk, making eye contact, saying hello, asking how they are doing.. without realizing that I am searching for her in them!
It just hit me today! That she would have loved my daughter, or tell her stories about me or feed her everything I liked in my childhood or just be there. All of this won’t ever happen again.
I wish someone would have physically slapped me back on earth from that high in her last days. I wish I were better than this; I just wish I would have told her what she means to me and wanted her to get better and stay for me.
After all, my childhood was nothing if it wasn’t for her or with her!!
My grandmother, mom’s mom – Shashikala, I love you to the infinity!!
This line from “A Star is Born” strikes some chords it rather not have. It touched a part of me that he conquered for a while and left a mark on me that changed my view towards loving someone completely. In fact, changed my life forever. And yet, I have accepted that our time together was limited, as it should be. Well I don’t even want to have the same connection with him anymore, or anyone. I just don’t have it in me to pick up the pieces again. Shattering once was enough, I don’t want to go through that again.. But then again..
I can’t stop loving that person from those times who must have changed as the time passed by and could be totally unrecognisable now. But I guess that’s okay. It my pain to carry.
Those men are just in movies and books who sweep you off your feet and stay forever. Well, who knows if they stay like that forever, we only get to see the movie until they get married or find a way to each other after a grave realization. Until now, I never believed that I may have tried to fit in a few men in my life into those character buckets. And well, they fit in for a while, and then they didn’t. Which was natural. But guess what? I was 22 or 25 or even 28 at that time. Now I am bigger, and my day is filled with “if my daughter is full or still hungry” thoughts.
Even at almost 32, the girl in me hasn’t changed. I still believe in fairy tales and those moments where “a guy will tuck in my face in his hands and say you’re beautiful,”; whereas every breath in me believes I’m not. I weigh 10 kg more than before, I work more and relax no more, and I dressed up as a lady last in 2017. But hey, pregnancy, delivery, and childbirth fucks up your body, mind, relationships, and, most importantly, self-worth. But when that child takes you close when you’re low, every tear that rolls down knows you are saved. She saves me every time.
From my mind, from my issues, from my needs, from the negativity in my life.
This is what I was listening to when I wrote this blog! Go ahead, it’s surprisingly breathtakingly lovely.
Waiting and Me are soulmates since last 2-3 years. Yesterday night I realized that as long as I remember all I have done every night is wait.
3 years ago, my husband gave an interview in a Lead Generation company working for the U.S. market. I was happy about he giving an interview there, but i wasn’t aware that the company works in the evening shifts which starts at 6.30 and technically ends at 3.30 but could go on till 6/7 am in the morning. We were married for 2 years that time. Our rosy period was getting over, our adjustments related to money were taking a shape of problems related to money. And someone had to start doing something about it.
In those circumstances, my husband started looking out and got selected in this company. I remember i was having a dinner out with a friend of mine that day. He came there, picked me up and we were returning to our home.. that’s when he told me that he got selected and that he is gonna get around 13-14 thousand more than the earlier job. I was so happy, I was holding him from behind on the bike. I went closer to him and hugged him tight. I couldn’t believe that besides all the odds he got a decent job. I was thinking of ways to celebrate this opportunity. Well right then, the next thing he tells me is – that the timings are different and he has to work evening shifts. Something or everything changed in that moment. I clearly remember loosening my grip over him and going speechless for a moment. I also remember telling myself that – he needs this right now, we need this right now, we have managed many things, we will manage this as well. This is temporary! Is this temporary? Well yes may be it is temporary. Don’t resist it, accept it. And i accepted it, or at least i think i accepted it.
That day and today.. He has moved on from that job to get an even better opportunity. He earns more than the double of what he used to earn that time. But timings haven’t changed. My wait for his presence isn’t over.
Many of you who will read this blog will think that its a small thing and why i am making such a fuss about it and that many people do sales jobs and its an usual thing in today’s world. Well i am sure it is, even i shout at myself many times for letting it go. But frankly, truly and genuinely I am still not okay with it. My life still moves around not having him around. Not having a routine life like others. As much as i hate the usual routine I how painful it is to not have your husband around 5 nights and 5 morning a week. It really isn’t a joke.
When i wake up, for once i would love to go on a walk together or doing household chores together or having someone to talk to or waking up to a lively house than a house in which you cant make much noises because then you would end up waking him up or being able to push off early morning and go somewhere. These are the small little things that matter to me. And these are the things which make my day, and are missing from my life.
When i finish my work and come home, for once i would love if someone is at home waiting for me, have someone to blabber and gossip with without having the pressure of his work or calls or instant office plans, for once i would love if we make food together, or just make an ad-hoc plan to watch a movie together, or go on ice-cream spree’s together or a long-drive together or watch a series on Star world together or just switch off the lights and cuddle together or just sit in the gallery and sip on the hot chocolate together or just sleeping off together while chatting on something and realizing how sweet ystd night was… All of this used to happen and all of this & many more is just not there anymore. Sometimes i think we live through the week just for the weekends.
Priorities have changed, needs have changed, lifestyle has changed, definitions of love and romance has changed, the intention of marriage has changed, the criteria for fun has changed.. may be its called growing up or being mature or marriage becoming old. But whatever is… My wait hasn’t changed. I still wait every night and every morning for the same things. Sometimes i wonder what keeps me on, why do i go on, why do i have such a good relationship that this need still exists, why do i still expect, why does my life revolve around him, why is it so needed, why cant I just accept that he needs more that the relationship is settled and its time to focus on other things, why haven’t i accepted this lifestyle , why haven’t i let go of it…. I get some answers but then again tomorrow comes.
Now in 3 years so many things have interconnected to this or have hampered because of this that it has become a vicious circle of actions, emotions, expectations, responsibilities, mistakes, rebelliousness, loneliness and reality.. So we both are clearly struggling to break through from it.
But one good thing is that.. We still want to be together and we long for each other. I always wish that if I was more accepting wife or if I was very ambitious woman then this would not have been such a driving factor in our life.
Anyway..I just felt like letting it out today..
Sometime in the month of December, I thought to myself.. that life is not happening. Happening in an enjoyment way and also in a not working out way! And i said no one else is going to change the situation for me & no one else is going to do my share of work n retrospection for it.
That day and Today.. Things have moved, things have been better.. I have been happy, We have been better.. My confusion has reduced, my temper is in control… My cold heart has become a bit warmer… I am a bit sorted than earlier… So the trip started working for me right after i booked for it!!
Bidway, I go on my first solo trip on coming Saturday, 20th Feb 2016 to 3 untraveled places in Uttarakhand, India. For 8 complete days.
For 8 complete days, living alone looked like an impossible thing. Well it still does. I wont lie, I am having a cold feet since ystd evening. And I did have my crying session in front of my husband in the morning!
Its difficult! Leaving alone, managing alone, staying alone, ordering food alone, eating alone, sleeping alone… And specifically not being able to talk about all small little things.. At least as of now, it does look damn difficult!
A friend of mine said the other day, ‘If you like to be alone, you will enjoy it.’ But the point is, I don’t know what I like. Being with someone for 10 years makes you forget what exactly gives you self-satisfaction and pure happiness. Because everything you do, you do it together. And you always have someone at arm’s length, so you never have to stretch your hand beyond a distance.
I call myself an independent girl..woman, whatever! But since the time i have booked myself for a solo trip, I can see all my dependencies on my husband, my comfort at home, my parents and my everyday routine. I have become a bit considerate and warmer towards everyone whom I am dependent on.
The thing is.. I am going to stumble upon few things, I am going to feel lost many times, I am going to regret going solo a couple of times, I am going to miss home food many many times.. and most of all staying without my husband and sleeping without him by my side.. is gonna be the toughest thing ever.. Everything that can make me uncomfortable, may happen. I may not like my own company..
But that’s the point… The reason I want to go solo is be comfortable with myself..is to realize a few things I want in my life Vs. I think i want..is to unshackle myself from the things i cling on to or the decisions i just don’t take at all..
All said and done.. I just want to be !!
P.S. I am going to post my travel’s photos on Instagram , Follow me there!
I seem to be losing track of what that is!
There is so much going on in the mind all the time and most of it are the desires/things which are out of my reach or out of track. It looks like absolutely nothing satisfies me anymore.
Job, Money, Things, Travel, Writing, Reading, Music, Family Time, Spending time with my husband, Love, Sex, Romance, Catching up with Friends… Nothing is quite there! I don’t feel the way I used to about any of this earlier, as if I have become so out of place/cold that I cant match up to anything at all. Everything around me looks like the broken pieces of a cadbury which don’t really satisfy my urge of eating a chocolate.
It kills me to keep generating myself to be in the moment, take what surroundings give you, suck it in, let it sink… and enjoy. But apparently it still doesn’t quite complete the circle.
I have noticed my interest in everything around is decreasing day by day and suddenly comes a day when I am all out having fun. The swings are frustrating. Not sure if these are my hormones speaking or have i been always like this!
Its confusing, irritating and sinking feeling! I want to be satisfied in my job, in what I do, in my love life, in my family life.. I want to be able to stop n say that THIS IS IT and repeat that many times. But hell no, its not happening.
My eyes, ears, hands, mind, brain.. everything looks out of sync.. searching for something else all the time. Without an end to it!
On 15th August 2015, Me and My husband ‘Rishi’ celebrated our 5th Marriage Anniversary. I had always thought of writing something which communicates some of my feelings for him. But always failed to write even a word about him. On the occasion of our 5th Anniversary I decided to write a small piece as a token of love.
I took some time to display this piece on my blog as I wanted to savour it alone for a while but today I felt the need to publish this piece. Not really for people to see, but to sort of making him a part of my blogging world. To be able to have said that, you belong here too..
Here’s my letter to my husband.. which is sort of a re-iteration of what I feel about him as days goes by!!
It’s been 5 years to our marriage. 10 years we know each other. 5 years we live together. 10 years to have practically walked every step together. It seems like a dream. These numbers dance in front of my eyes but don’t sink in. It looks like it was day before when we fell in love and yesterday when we got married.
You know I realize the fact that this is the first piece I am writing about you and our relationship. It is exciting at the same time a bit sad as I wrote about my emotions, my friends, people on the road, my dreams etc etc but never about you or about us. There are two reasons for it. One that somewhere deep within I didn’t want to be called as a married woman in my blog world; especially someone who is married for 5 years. And second, whenever I started writing about you, I thought I will never be able to sum up what Rishi is and our relationship is in one blog or one novel for that matter. I still don’t think I will be able to.
Last few months have made me realize few things about us, about you. I realized that you are the anchor holding us together. My stubbornness, my dominance, my spontaneity, my specifications, my urge for perfection whether it be care, love or any work… Good or bad… you just balance it with being the way you are. You become a kid, you become a father, you become a brat, you become an ass or you become a grown up responsible guy…You do everything to make me happy and keep us going.
You said the other day, that ‘Manu I make this relationship go on for us. I disagreed with it and I made fun of you.’ But today I will accept that it’s true. It has always been like that. To the world who lives with us it may be seen that I drive the relationship. But actually you drive it. Your composed and balanced nature drives the relationship on a daily basis. You have always been telling me that I am at the core or I have been at the center of your life. Not your family, not your work, not your freedom. It’s always been me.
But Something I never noticed along the years is actually you too are at the center of my life. Many times I come across as a very self-sufficient, individualistic and cold who doesn’t always need a hand in hand. But it’s a lie, it’s only the mask I have learned to wear over the years. The truth is that my hand is incomplete without your hand in it. My morning, afternoon, evening, night everything revolves around you, your needs, your worry and your presence.
I know last one year was tough and it tested everything we had. But I’m glad we helped each other stand strong. I’m glad we had such acquaintances and parents who helped us to stand connected. That’s when I understood that my dreams or my writing or me as a person has no individual significance anymore. If you are not around, If you are not in my life…any of those things will not survive even a day.
We are like H20.. I am hydrogen and you are oxygen. I bring fire, you bring water. I bring responsibility, you bring care-freeness. I bring care, you bring love. I bring spontaneity, you bring stability. I bring attachment, you bring commitment. It’s just bloody how it should be!
Maybe now after spending so many years together I understand lot more about marriage. I was always clear about what I am for you. But now I actually understood what you mean to me.Now I realize the connection that we have and what you mean to me in my life. Few days ago I was thinking about us, I found that moment where I felt…”Yes this is the biggest achievement of my life. And this is it.” I never thought forever is a reality, but now with you I want to make that a reality.
So, thank you for being there with me all along. As a friend, as a best friend, as a lover, as a parent and as a husband. Along with my parents, you gave me the life I have today. And it’s beautiful. Thank you for doing the extraordinary honour of marrying me. Thanks for believing in us no matter how difficult a woman I am to live with.
I promise to be the support you need, the ear you need and the arms you need. I promise to be there always, being only yours. I love you. Happy 5th Anniversary, it still hasn’t sunk in though 😉
Many of our relationship issues are connected to our disappointments with ourselves. I strongly believe that since some time. The ego trips, clashes or disagreements that one has on a usual basis in the house are mostly because of the disappointment you have about how your life is going on right now.
For example, I love to take vacations and travel. If I get to do that often I’m a different person altogether. Everything else that I need to take care of OR not working out properly becomes a miniature issue. I sail through pretty fine from it.
I believe it is all a vicious circle where you are disappointed with yourself, then you find yourself helpless in some way, then you are disappointed that your life is not going the way you want it go, that its not so exciting any more, then you are disappointed in your spouse that he/she is not doing enough to make a difference in it, that he/she is engrossed in their individual lives more than us as a couple, then no matter how much you try to pull it altogether it just keeps falling apart. Life seems awesome for a few days and is very stagnant on others. For a while there is an ultimate warmth & intimacy in relationships and you find it vanishing eventually.
Unless you have your goals, plans and dreams jotted down. Unless you really have something to look forward to. Unless after every few years you recreate your relationships and what you want in life. Unless you and your spouse are partners in love or better in crime too 😉
Its easier said than done. That’s the exact reason why I am struggling big time right now. My mentor from my ‘Effectiveness Seminar – Landmark Education‘ that I am attending made a point last Saturday. He said, ‘Life or anything in your life is never stagnant. Its either expanding or contracting. You need to take some actions to make sure you are always expanding.’ It was a ‘Ting’ moment for me. Did I not know this before? Well I did, that’s the exact reason why I joined the Effectiveness seminar but somewhere down the line I lost my focus from what exactly I want to alter in my life.
He made another point that, ‘You will find yourself in stage of Stability when you find yourself bored, not excited or things start looking as regular’ That is a stage where you feel the need of more. Because when you come to a stage of Stability you gotta Expand. You gotta make new plans, focus on new goals, change what’s been regular and fill excitement in your life. If you don’t, you start contracting and you find yourself often disappointed than happy.
I realised at that moment, that this stage has come in my married life and/or in my individual life. Where it needs a newness. Something that will alter tomorrow.
I don’t know the entire list of things that will make a difference. But I want to start with small projects or goals that I can see now. Like taking up writing my novel, losing weight, planning a long vacation, taking a month’s break from work for writing, looking for a specialised job, moving to a different city/country and having a baby.
The plan is not concrete yet. But I have realized by now that I have high expectations from myself. And if I don’t live up to them then I am disappointed with myself. And then clearly I am disappointed with the world. And if I make plans and complete them then I am a sorted human being who hardly has issues with what’s going on around. I have also noticed that if I take out time and do what I love like writing my novel then I’m a calmer human being which eventually may lead to harmony and warmth in my relationships.
So consider this as a declaration that I am writing my novel. I am about 4500+ words down, with first few scenes laid down on the paper. I am shit scared as to what will happen next or whether I will ever complete it. But its keeping me sane, its keeping on top of things, its giving me a sense of completeness so I am writing. And the target is to complete it before my birthday in September. Sort of like a present to myself !
Here I have, something to look forward to…but still gotta keep the spark alive and work on the rest of the list…. 🙂
I just heard the song tenth time. And trust me I don’t feel like turning it off.
He was a celebrity. He was an actor. Celebrity lives are shiny and fake. Everyone does charity. So what? None of that should actually matter for me to cry in-numerous times after hearing about Paul’s death. OR much more while watching the movie twice.
Don’t know what he had or what kind of a person he was, but I wish I knew him personally. To have felt what his family, friends, besties or girlfriend felt about him OR now feel about him when they think of him. It looks so pure, nothing looks crafted. Nothing seems a publicity stunt (though some of it might be). Nothing seems shiny and fake. Everything looks as real as it would have been for any non-celebrity good person.
13 years ago I was way young. But those eyes have reached my heart since then. That smile has been moving me since then. His ‘going with the gut’ character has touched me since then. The adrenaline and the stunts have wooed me since then. And it still does. There is a strange bond that got created with him which is unexplainable.
Now there is no Fast and Furious without you Paul! It won’t ever be the same again.. All movies after this will be just another movies!
It’s been a long day without you, my friend..
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again..
We’ve come a long way from where we began..
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again..
When I see you again….
Crazy isn’t it?
You are sitting and enjoying in your own little bubble of life where your issues are as small as what to cook for tonight/ I hate driving/ I don’t want to work on this project/ my boss didn’t speak to me properly today/ couldn’t get a chance to call my brother today/ I didn’t get to eat ice-cream since 4-5 days etc. etc.
Its funny how until one day the definition of routine is just a combination of what you achieved, what you failed in, what you liked/disliked or what you want/don’t want.
And suddenly you wake up one day and everything changes. Just like it changed once, when you faced a lay-off from a job OR your relationship ended miserably.
The ground you are standing on moves- not because of the earthquake but with something more effective than that. Your world collapses right in front of your eyes. All you can do is just wait and watch.
That’s when I wonder, what is reality?
Is it that we see through our eyes? OR Is it what’s being felt but yet unsaid? And if either of these is reality, then is reality a stand alone complete thing? or just a delusional concept?
Who will answer this for me? I just badly need someone who can answer it for me..