Journey My Insights

Struggle to cut through the regulars..

Many of our relationship issues are connected to our disappointments with ourselves. I strongly believe that since some time. The ego trips, clashes or disagreements that one has on a usual basis in the house are mostly because of the disappointment you have about how your life is going on right now.

For example, I love to take vacations and travel. If I get to do that often I’m a different person altogether. Everything else that I need to take care of OR not working out properly becomes a miniature issue. I sail through pretty fine from it.

I believe it is all a vicious circle where you are disappointed with yourself, then you find yourself helpless in some way, then you are disappointed that your life is not going the way you want it go, that its not so exciting any more, then you are disappointed in your spouse that he/she is not doing enough to make a difference in it, that he/she is engrossed in their individual lives more than us as a couple, then no matter how much you try to pull it altogether it just keeps falling apart. Life seems awesome for a few days and is very stagnant on others. For a while there is an ultimate warmth & intimacy in relationships and you find it vanishing eventually.

Unless you have your goals, plans and dreams jotted down. Unless you really have something to look forward to. Unless after every few years you recreate your relationships and what you want in life. Unless you and your spouse are partners in love or better in crime too 😉

Its easier said than done. That’s the exact reason why I am struggling big time right now. My mentor from my ‘Effectiveness Seminar – Landmark Education‘ that I am attending made a point last Saturday. He said, ‘Life or anything in your life is never stagnant. Its either expanding or contracting. You need to take some actions to make sure you are always expanding.’ It was a ‘Ting’ moment for me. Did I not know this before? Well I did, that’s the exact reason why I joined the Effectiveness seminar but somewhere down the line I lost my focus from what exactly I want to alter in my life.

He made another point that, ‘You will find yourself in stage of Stability when you find yourself bored, not excited or things start looking as regular’ That is a stage where you feel the need of more. Because when you come to a stage of Stability you gotta Expand. You gotta make new plans, focus on new goals, change what’s been regular and fill excitement in your life. If you don’t, you start contracting and you find yourself often disappointed than happy.

I realised at that moment, that this stage has come in my married life and/or in my individual life. Where it needs a newness. Something that will alter tomorrow.

I don’t know the entire list of things that will make a difference. But I want to start with small projects or goals that I can see now. Like taking up writing my novel, losing weight, planning a long vacation, taking a month’s break from work for writing, looking for a specialised job, moving to a different city/country and having a baby.

The plan is not concrete yet. But I have realized by now that I have high expectations from myself. And if I don’t live up to them then I am disappointed with myself. And then clearly I am disappointed with the world. And if I make plans and complete them then I am a sorted human being who hardly has issues with what’s going on around. I have also noticed that if I take out time and do what I love like writing my novel then I’m a calmer human being which eventually may lead to harmony and warmth in my relationships.

So consider this as a declaration that I am writing my novel. I am about 4500+ words down, with first few scenes laid down on the paper. I am shit scared as to what will happen next or whether I will ever complete it. But its keeping me sane, its keeping on top of things, its giving me a sense of completeness so I am writing. And the target is to complete it before my birthday in September. Sort of like a present to myself !

Here I have, something to look forward to…but still gotta keep the spark alive and work on the rest of the list…. 🙂


And Emptiness Creeps in..

What Can I say! It just does.. No matter what, you just cant control it at times!

Well all relationships are going strong, work is good, goals & aspirations are in front, people are appreciating everything I do… Everything seems to be almost perfect. But somewhere something is missing. Unless I meet this missing, I will be vulnerable.

Vulnerable to emptiness, sadness, loneliness and all other so called versions of depression. I don’t want to be! Seriously, I have spent few months in that phase and it kills. It literally spreads like a virus crashing your system.

emptiness-imageI tried to generate, I tried to distract myself, I tried to face it, deal with it, I even tried to ignore it but uhh no luck. Its giving me a company everywhere I go since few days. Every laugh, every happiness has a slight flavor of unfulfillment.

I thought about it a lot.. Why has it come back? Why can’t I fight it powerfully this time? Why is it lingering here for 3-4 days? I have everything then what do I need? But still no answer.

Some of the weird speculations that i story-lined myself were..

I think I need a Solo travel to figure out what I really want in life.

I think I need to be workaholic so these thoughts will not come in my way

I think I need to go on a long vacation with my family

I think I want to write a novel

I think I need to learn dancing

I think I need to take a break for a month from everything

I think I need to start something new of my own

I think I need to start social work in some aspect

I think I want to just take-off somewhere with a friend

I think I want to move to a different city or country..

Uff Everything is unreal and real at the same time! I realized I am trying to find that one thing I can do or have that will change everything forever.

it-s-me_designThat’s so silly, its no magic. There is no Harry Potter and his wand lying at the corner. There is no such ONE thing, that will make things perfect from almost perfect. Its just ME and my creation that is going to save the day, everyday.

Somewhere I see I have stopped creating my life everyday. My goals and hobbies are in dreams not in existence. I am taking steps to figure out what can move me forward but not really implementing those steps. That’s the reason this stationary passive phase is disturbing me 😐

So here’s to the creation of Goals today! My mentor said, “its a good day to be powerful in the face of whatever life throws at you”..

So be it 🙂