Author: herbeautifulchaos

On feeling blue!

I woke up this morning with a big jolt! As if someone saw right through me and has laid down all my life on a paper with an attempt to make sense of it all. Only if they knew that it isn’t easy! It could easily be the most challenging thing they have ever done in their life…

But honestly, I wonder if there’s a person (man or woman) who wishes to unfold all of me. Like there’s no other purpose to their life than unveiling all layers of me and joining the dots. I secretly hope there’s someone ready to dedicate everything they had to happily fall prey to the pain and subtle happiness they would get from it.

But why would anyone leave their life and focus on me? Why would they be ready to fall into a journey all by themselves only to break down and being scarred for life? Yes, that can happen!

Love, maybe. But, they got to know, I don’t have space for love anymore in my life. Seriously! Well, that could be a lie. I don’t know; I am not sure. But, seriously, I don’t think I can pick up the pieces once again and act strong as if nothing happened. Whereas what actually lies underneath is far from okay. Nope, I am not that strong and optimistic about life anymore. don’t think I can do it again – Recollecting yourself, finding a purpose, rekindling the lost relationships, and spending years building myself and the life around me. Nope, too much work!

But, seriously, isn’t that what life is all about? Taking a plunge, giving it everything you got only to realize that everything has an expiry date. Followed by a gut-wrenching pain that doesn’t stop and only fades a little so that we can move on a little. So, we can put one foot in front of another. And forget and forgive and be courageous. But mind you, that pain is just hidden inside a box inside your chest. It can burst open just by a minor incident or a place, or a familiar person. Almost as if that box is waiting for it to be open and when nudged, it takes the shape of pouring rain that often ends up hurting people. Your body is then drenched in the pain one more time. To be wet, as long as you can imagine. Until you see a new purpose again or take off emotionally!

And then it’s another day. Another path. Another experience. Another passion. Another reason to live and die for. Only to freaking fall into the same ditch again.

I never mourned for her!

I wish she were here!

No one took me seriously when I said a part of me went missing when she left us all! They consoled me without asking the depth of this feeling…

Possibly, because I was on a high at the time.. of having a baby, for being in one of the best phases of my life, I didn’t even mourn or gave her leaving enough importance. I was relieved with her going as it reduced my family from the relentless efforts they took every day.

And now I am here. Look at other women in my morning walk, making eye contact, saying hello, asking how they are doing.. without realizing that I am searching for her in them!

It just hit me today! That she would have loved my daughter, or tell her stories about me or feed her everything I liked in my childhood or just be there. All of this won’t ever happen again.

I wish someone would have physically slapped me back on earth from that high in her last days. I wish I were better than this; I just wish I would have told her what she means to me and wanted her to get better and stay for me.

After all, my childhood was nothing if it wasn’t for her or with her!!

My grandmother, mom’s mom – Shashikala, I love you to the infinity!!

A shadow of gloom!

Your internal monologue jeopardizes your daily life. Get out of it, pick yourself up, and get on with what you need to!

Modified and simplified version of something I heard

Two days back…

At first, I didn’t want to work; then I didn’t want to eat, then I didn’t want to talk to anyone, then I didn’t want to watch tv or do anything I usually do in the day, then I didn’t want to be with anyone… I just wanted to be alone! I didn’t realize it until the evening, but I was sucked into it. It was a slight arrival of depression stream, and I was going deep into it with every passing minute. It was the same sinking feeling that I am so familiar with. It weighs 100kgs, and you can’t pick yourself up or feel anything beyond being numb.

Eventually, I realized there’s a short lil life dependent on me, so I had to drag myself out and start with small tiny things. I literally behaved as a child who celebrates small wins. And sailed through the day.

But, I realized today after hearing a talk in the morning that in the end, it all started with that first thought of – No, I don’t feel like working today. It isn’t easy to judge whether it is a normal feeling that you get on a Monday occurring out of a great weekend, Or it is the start of something that can eat up your whole day/ week. Days filled with child care and squishing work into it make it difficult for me to see through clearly, but slowly I feel I need a mechanism.

It is highly unrealistic to expect myself to make out the difference every time, through all that goes in the day!

Plus, it is time to see a therapist formally! I just can’t procrastinate anymore!!

No, no! No romance for me!!

Prateek Kuhad is turning my emotions up and down, and what I can say, I love some trouble!! No, I am not talking about sex here!! He’s sowing some seeds of love, romance, that sheepish feeling of being in love, that feeling of experiencing romance in the fresh morning air, as if you’re in the best phase of your life, and might just like everything he does. Those feet are getting dragged in his direction and waiting for his text or a line that will move you within! As if you want to spend all the time in the world with him and nothing else!!

Well, I have been through all of this and it’s different dimension that you can’t return from for many months and years! Who wants to be possessed by someone such that? Not me. Prateek’s songs are reminding me that I was a romantic. Hearts and flowers! But not anymore; there’s no amount of heart-twitching songs that can take me back to being the same girl.

But I fight what Prateek Kuhad is instilling within me with everything I have got. And I love the Cold War inside of my heart, just not ready to fall in love. Not again!

I wish I could leave my love but my heart is a mess! My days they begin with your name and nights end with your name.. with your breath.. when I feel cold, I keep you close..

Just not me

He was just here, wasn’t he? How can he not be? I imagined him touching my face and my neckline just now. Slowly moving his hands all over my body and feeling it all in. I just closed my eyes and whispered his name. I opened my lips to see if he wants to kiss me. And he did.
In my dreams. In my imagination. In my previous life. When I was me, his lover.
How can he not be here when he was so here? Like a soul touching my heart and never leaving my side. One that’s always there when I needed it, quietly, patiently, with only unconditional love and nothing else.
Not sure if it was the rains or the beer, I couldn’t help but feel his love through my veins today. He needs to start loving me a little less. And love someone else or something else. Just not me. Either of us cant endure more pain than this. This much is enough.
No, I absolutely can’t start feeling his presence in every moment in my life. No, not again. There’s nothing more heart wrenching than that.

Hey, are you still here?

I hope it’s okay if I love you forever Jack

This line from “A Star is Born” strikes some chords it rather not have. It touched a part of me that he conquered for a while and left a mark on me that changed my view towards loving someone completely. In fact, changed my life forever. And yet, I have accepted that our time together was limited, as it should be. Well I don’t even want to have the same connection with him anymore, or anyone. I just don’t have it in me to pick up the pieces again. Shattering once was enough, I don’t want to go through that again.. But then again..

I can’t stop loving that person from those times who must have changed as the time passed by and could be totally unrecognisable now. But I guess that’s okay. It my pain to carry.

Just some Tuesday thoughts

Those men are just in movies and books who sweep you off your feet and stay forever. Well, who knows if they stay like that forever, we only get to see the movie until they get married or find a way to each other after a grave realization. Until now, I never believed that I may have tried to fit in a few men in my life into those character buckets. And well, they fit in for a while, and then they didn’t. Which was natural. But guess what? I was 22 or 25 or even 28 at that time. Now I am bigger, and my day is filled with “if my daughter is full or still hungry” thoughts.

Even at almost 32, the girl in me hasn’t changed. I still believe in fairy tales and those moments where “a guy will tuck in my face in his hands and say you’re beautiful,”; whereas every breath in me believes I’m not. I weigh 10 kg more than before, I work more and relax no more, and I dressed up as a lady last in 2017. But hey, pregnancy, delivery, and childbirth fucks up your body, mind, relationships, and, most importantly, self-worth. But when that child takes you close when you’re low, every tear that rolls down knows you are saved. She saves me every time.

From my mind, from my issues, from my needs, from the negativity in my life.

This is what I was listening to when I wrote this blog! Go ahead, it’s surprisingly breathtakingly lovely.

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

 

The Wait and Me..

Waiting and Me are soulmates since last 2-3 years. Yesterday night I realized that as long as I remember all I have done every night is wait.

3 years ago, my husband gave an interview in a Lead Generation company working for the U.S. market. I was happy about he giving an interview there, but i wasn’t aware that the company works in the evening shifts which starts at 6.30 and technically ends at 3.30 but could go on till 6/7 am in the morning. We were married for 2 years that time. Our rosy period was getting over, our adjustments related to money were taking a shape of problems related to money. And someone had to start doing something about it.

In those circumstances, my husband started looking out and got selected in this company. I remember i was having a dinner out with a friend of mine that day. He came there, picked me up and we were returning to our home.. that’s when he told me that he got selected and that he is gonna get around 13-14 thousand more than the earlier job. I was so happy, I was holding him from behind on the bike. I went closer to him and hugged him tight. I couldn’t believe that besides all the odds he got a decent job. I was thinking of ways to celebrate this opportunity. Well right then, the next thing he tells me is – that the timings are different and he has to work evening shifts. Something or everything changed in that moment. I clearly remember loosening my grip over him and going speechless for a moment. I also remember telling myself that – he needs this right now, we need this right now, we have managed many things, we will manage this as well. This is temporary! Is this temporary? Well yes may be it is temporary. Don’t resist it, accept it. And i accepted it, or at least i think i accepted it.

That day and today.. He has moved on from that job to get an even better opportunity. He earns more than the double of what he used to earn that time. But timings haven’t changed. My wait for his presence isn’t over.

Many of you who will read this blog will think that its a small thing and why i am making such a fuss about it and that many people do sales jobs and its an usual thing in today’s world. Well i am sure it is, even i shout at myself many times for letting it go. But frankly, truly and genuinely I am still not okay with it. My life still moves around not having him around. Not having a routine life like others. As much as i hate the usual routine I how painful it is to not have your husband around 5 nights and 5 morning a week. It really isn’t a joke.

When i wake up, for once i would love to go on a walk together or doing household chores together or having someone to talk to or waking up to a lively house than a house in which you cant make much noises because then you would end up waking him up or being able to push off early morning and go somewhere. These are the small little things that matter to me. And these are the things which make my day, and are missing from my life.

When i finish my work and come home, for once i would love if someone is at home waiting for me, have someone to blabber and gossip with without having the pressure of his work or calls or instant office plans, for once i would love if we make food together, or just make an ad-hoc plan to watch a movie together, or go on ice-cream spree’s together or a long-drive together or watch a series on Star world together or just switch off the lights and cuddle together or just sit in the gallery and sip on the hot chocolate together or just sleeping off together while chatting on something and realizing how sweet ystd night was… All of this used to happen and all of this & many more is just not there anymore. Sometimes i think we live through the week just for the weekends.

Priorities have changed, needs have changed, lifestyle has changed, definitions of love and romance has changed, the intention of marriage has changed, the criteria for fun has changed.. may be its called growing up or being mature or marriage becoming old. But whatever is… My wait hasn’t changed. I still wait every night and every morning for the same things. Sometimes i wonder what keeps me on, why do i go on, why do i have such a good relationship that this need still exists, why do i still expect, why does my life revolve around him, why is it so needed, why cant I just accept that he needs more that the relationship is settled and its time to focus on other things, why haven’t i accepted this lifestyle , why haven’t i let go of it…. I get some answers but then again tomorrow comes.

Now in 3 years so many things have interconnected to this or have hampered because of this that it has become a vicious circle of actions, emotions, expectations, responsibilities, mistakes, rebelliousness, loneliness and reality.. So we both are clearly struggling to break through from it.

But one good thing is that.. We still want to be together and we long for each other. I always wish that if I was more accepting wife or if I was very ambitious woman then this would not have been such a driving factor in our life.

Anyway..I just felt like letting it out today..