Waiting and Me are soulmates since last 2-3 years. Yesterday night I realized that as long as I remember all I have done every night is wait.
3 years ago, my husband gave an interview in a Lead Generation company working for the U.S. market. I was happy about he giving an interview there, but i wasn’t aware that the company works in the evening shifts which starts at 6.30 and technically ends at 3.30 but could go on till 6/7 am in the morning. We were married for 2 years that time. Our rosy period was getting over, our adjustments related to money were taking a shape of problems related to money. And someone had to start doing something about it.
In those circumstances, my husband started looking out and got selected in this company. I remember i was having a dinner out with a friend of mine that day. He came there, picked me up and we were returning to our home.. that’s when he told me that he got selected and that he is gonna get around 13-14 thousand more than the earlier job. I was so happy, I was holding him from behind on the bike. I went closer to him and hugged him tight. I couldn’t believe that besides all the odds he got a decent job. I was thinking of ways to celebrate this opportunity. Well right then, the next thing he tells me is – that the timings are different and he has to work evening shifts. Something or everything changed in that moment. I clearly remember loosening my grip over him and going speechless for a moment. I also remember telling myself that – he needs this right now, we need this right now, we have managed many things, we will manage this as well. This is temporary! Is this temporary? Well yes may be it is temporary. Don’t resist it, accept it. And i accepted it, or at least i think i accepted it.
That day and today.. He has moved on from that job to get an even better opportunity. He earns more than the double of what he used to earn that time. But timings haven’t changed. My wait for his presence isn’t over.
Many of you who will read this blog will think that its a small thing and why i am making such a fuss about it and that many people do sales jobs and its an usual thing in today’s world. Well i am sure it is, even i shout at myself many times for letting it go. But frankly, truly and genuinely I am still not okay with it. My life still moves around not having him around. Not having a routine life like others. As much as i hate the usual routine I how painful it is to not have your husband around 5 nights and 5 morning a week. It really isn’t a joke.
When i wake up, for once i would love to go on a walk together or doing household chores together or having someone to talk to or waking up to a lively house than a house in which you cant make much noises because then you would end up waking him up or being able to push off early morning and go somewhere. These are the small little things that matter to me. And these are the things which make my day, and are missing from my life.
When i finish my work and come home, for once i would love if someone is at home waiting for me, have someone to blabber and gossip with without having the pressure of his work or calls or instant office plans, for once i would love if we make food together, or just make an ad-hoc plan to watch a movie together, or go on ice-cream spree’s together or a long-drive together or watch a series on Star world together or just switch off the lights and cuddle together or just sit in the gallery and sip on the hot chocolate together or just sleeping off together while chatting on something and realizing how sweet ystd night was… All of this used to happen and all of this & many more is just not there anymore. Sometimes i think we live through the week just for the weekends.
Priorities have changed, needs have changed, lifestyle has changed, definitions of love and romance has changed, the intention of marriage has changed, the criteria for fun has changed.. may be its called growing up or being mature or marriage becoming old. But whatever is… My wait hasn’t changed. I still wait every night and every morning for the same things. Sometimes i wonder what keeps me on, why do i go on, why do i have such a good relationship that this need still exists, why do i still expect, why does my life revolve around him, why is it so needed, why cant I just accept that he needs more that the relationship is settled and its time to focus on other things, why haven’t i accepted this lifestyle , why haven’t i let go of it…. I get some answers but then again tomorrow comes.
Now in 3 years so many things have interconnected to this or have hampered because of this that it has become a vicious circle of actions, emotions, expectations, responsibilities, mistakes, rebelliousness, loneliness and reality.. So we both are clearly struggling to break through from it.
But one good thing is that.. We still want to be together and we long for each other. I always wish that if I was more accepting wife or if I was very ambitious woman then this would not have been such a driving factor in our life.
Anyway..I just felt like letting it out today..
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I am tired, truly tired. Of myself. Today all I want do is to escape from myself. The way I am, the way I behave, my thoughts, emotions, ambitions my needs, memories, my fantasies… every bloody thing about being ME is eating me up today. I can come out of myself and can actually see a different person inside. Its sickens me to see how I have changed in last few years. There was a time I was so comfortable n happy with myself and my decisions. Now, I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I walk on a path for a while, it gives me happiness and then I am amazed to see that its just the fucking upper layer. Deep within its still empty n unsatisfied. Then its a vicious cycle. I am so tired of this routine.
herbeautifulchaos 