Categories
Silent Thoughts

Ishq ka ye sitam!!

He was right here for such a long time and now I pretty much pushed him away! And what remains is this unquenching thirst that no alcohol or water can fill.

The pain is growing every day and I thought I can do this without him but I am not sure anymore.

Almost as if, there’s a hole in my heart that I am trying to forget that it exists. He travels with me fucking everywhere and now I can’t find a way to ease this pain. This wasn’t supposed to be like this, and definitely not again!

This isn’t what I signed up for and I kept avoiding this for the longest time But now that he isn’t here, I realize I have been into it forever, I just didn’t know it before!!

Hey you, I miss you!

Categories
My Insights

That freaking daydreaming boat!

My husband believes I live on a daydreaming boat where all my wishes and fantasies show me what I want them to, and it is not real. In reality, no one can live life as I imagine it to be. No one can find someone who can ignite the passion or the interest in life or career and not hamper the reality of your day-to-day life. He says there cannot be two sides of you that want two completely conflicting things which can co-exist and yet have the ability to co-destroy your life. The one that can destroy cant create!

But I don’t believe that. I feel every person brings something new, something different in your life. They make you who you are on that day, in that week, in that year. They influence your thoughts, routine, and choices, but it is entirely up to you to keep prioritizing. Nothing can destroy you if you keep it in balance, and one day you will lose that balance, but then you will make efforts to get back up and put it in place. And that’s what life is about. Trying to strike that balance between who you are, what you are expected to be, what you want to be, or who you want to be with.

My husband, though, has a simple life, and I am happy for him for that. He sees life in black and white and doesn’t wander. He is focused, committed, on track, and in it 100% whether it is his work, child, or marriage. He is fully there, and he has no confusion or a need to see the other side of how it can be. I wish I was like that; he deserved a girl like that. But sadly, he doesn’t have one.

He doesn’t know, or maybe he does – That I am a living example of everything complex and conflicting yet beautiful in its own ways and colorful in its own ways. I am a doting mother and a considerably committed and responsible wife who puts her husband and daughter before her a million times. But, I am also a woman who is desperately looking for love or a passion that moves my earth and sky. More like a drug so intense that it will make me forget everything I am or want to be for a few hours or days. I am an example of conflicting thoughts that coincide and separate simultaneously about my sexual desires, marriage and motherhood, career and writing, OR simply about who I am right now Vs. who I secretly desire to be.

I wish it was simpler! I wish it was easier! I wish my life would have started and ended on my daughter and husband! I wish I didn’t want the things I wanted in life! I wish what I want was crystal clear! I wish I had the guts to choose, but I don’t!

Categories
My Insights

Simple sunrise

Categories
My Insights

Pretzels!

The pain isn’t that we both are now all grown-up and have responsibilities. The pain is that in between those balancing acts of life, he forgot he is leaving me behind every day. That that money will fill the house but not the heart. That holding hand was once a natural phenomenon but now feels like an act of PDA, eventually leading to – Maybe it’s better, let’s not hold it at all.

We aren’t doing this purposely, even he isn’t. But this is how we have chosen to compromise. Years of putting relationship over everything else has now led us to keep the relationship at the farthest distance. But I miss him. I freaking miss everything about us.

Isn’t that what I keep saying about everything and everyone in my life? At times I feel I am a super pessimist and an unfulfilled personality that would see the half glass empty all her life. Maybe he doesn’t even like me anymore, but do I like myself? Does anyone like me anymore?

Idk; my life is like a twisted pretzel without a clear path or a start and end. Crispy, tasty, and unpredictable from the outside but very predictable at the same time. And like when one pretzel isn’t enough, for me, one complicated situation isn’t enough in my life. It has to be in multiples and equally mysterious and adventurous. Isn’t that what he knows about me? Or maybe he forgot! All these years, none of us remember what the other one likes; all lines have blurred, but the fire to make it tasty and worthwhile remains. Oh yea, I am still talking about the pretzels. Yes, the same ones I craved for in my entire pregnancy.

He and I two peas in a pod, never leaving each other’s side but constantly trying to look away from each other! Did I say I miss him?

Categories
My Insights

That face in the rear-view mirror

He was a breath of fresh air when I met him. It almost felt like he rescued me. Like a cold beer went through my throat, making me shiver and happy with the stinging sensation. I noticed he was everything I wasn’t. He was carefree, successful, had friends, was popular, and he was just so clear about so many things in life. He was clear he wanted me just because, without attaching any labels to it. He was clear he wanted it all. Not fragments of life where you leave some, lose some and gain some. He was all in for the long haul. And yet, he was sure this would end one day.

He gave me a push in life without actually saying a word that implicates it. Just his presence changed the way I functioned in life. He made me realize that I am attractive and desirable and have a right to demand what I want. His presence inspired me to go beyond my comfort and write about the world without any inhibitions. Because of him, I realized that this is not the end of my free will or of the girl who had dreams that were unusual and very difficult to understand. His presence and passion for his work made it impossible for anyone not to notice him or find him attractive. He was a freaking gorgeous face that couldn’t hide anywhere, and no one could possibly look the other way when he’s constantly blabbering about the world around him.

But guess what? There is nothing but silence now. He is just not there. But, I remember the breath of fresh air, and that face. I cherish it every day.

Categories
My Insights

The beautiful guy!

I always wondered what started all this? When and how he entered my day? How did his face, his body, his powerful and rough hands become so familiar to me? How did that particular fragrance has stayed in my thoughts? Why do I dread and also hope to cross his paths now and then? Why do I have to make continuous efforts to brush off the thoughts of his body pressing mine? Why does it still feel like meeting him would rewrite a day in my life? Not as if I was looking for someone to fill the void and make me feel all of these things. I was just plainly being myself, appreciating a beautiful guy for who he is.

And there he was! Looking as graceful as he can and entirely in his element, unaware of what’s to come. So passionate about his work and so thorough in his talks. He looked like he was bossing through his life and not the other way around, definitely unlike me. His hands moved in unison with what he was saying, and I couldn’t decide what I should focus on. His hands or his beautiful face or the talk or his lips! Or that perfectly shaped body, the one that persuades you to break your silence and appreciate the beauty without thinking about the future. The type of guy that makes it impossible to contain any emotions and pretty much jeopardizes all your plans towards life.

He is something else, he is many things in one. And yet nothing to me.

Categories
Silent Thoughts

On feeling blue!

I woke up this morning with a big jolt! As if someone saw right through me and has laid down all my life on a paper with an attempt to make sense of it all. Only if they knew that it isn’t easy! It could easily be the most challenging thing they have ever done in their life…

But honestly, I wonder if there’s a person (man or woman) who wishes to unfold all of me. Like there’s no other purpose to their life than unveiling all layers of me and joining the dots. I secretly hope there’s someone ready to dedicate everything they had to happily fall prey to the pain and subtle happiness they would get from it.

But why would anyone leave their life and focus on me? Why would they be ready to fall into a journey all by themselves only to break down and being scarred for life? Yes, that can happen!

Love, maybe. But, they got to know, I don’t have space for love anymore in my life. Seriously! Well, that could be a lie. I don’t know; I am not sure. But, seriously, I don’t think I can pick up the pieces once again and act strong as if nothing happened. Whereas what actually lies underneath is far from okay. Nope, I am not that strong and optimistic about life anymore. don’t think I can do it again – Recollecting yourself, finding a purpose, rekindling the lost relationships, and spending years building myself and the life around me. Nope, too much work!

But, seriously, isn’t that what life is all about? Taking a plunge, giving it everything you got only to realize that everything has an expiry date. Followed by a gut-wrenching pain that doesn’t stop and only fades a little so that we can move on a little. So, we can put one foot in front of another. And forget and forgive and be courageous. But mind you, that pain is just hidden inside a box inside your chest. It can burst open just by a minor incident or a place, or a familiar person. Almost as if that box is waiting for it to be open and when nudged, it takes the shape of pouring rain that often ends up hurting people. Your body is then drenched in the pain one more time. To be wet, as long as you can imagine. Until you see a new purpose again or take off emotionally!

And then it’s another day. Another path. Another experience. Another passion. Another reason to live and die for. Only to freaking fall into the same ditch again.

Categories
Journey

I never mourned for her!

I wish she were here!

No one took me seriously when I said a part of me went missing when she left us all! They consoled me without asking the depth of this feeling…

Possibly, because I was on a high at the time.. of having a baby, for being in one of the best phases of my life, I didn’t even mourn or gave her leaving enough importance. I was relieved with her going as it reduced my family from the relentless efforts they took every day.

And now I am here. Look at other women in my morning walk, making eye contact, saying hello, asking how they are doing.. without realizing that I am searching for her in them!

It just hit me today! That she would have loved my daughter, or tell her stories about me or feed her everything I liked in my childhood or just be there. All of this won’t ever happen again.

I wish someone would have physically slapped me back on earth from that high in her last days. I wish I were better than this; I just wish I would have told her what she means to me and wanted her to get better and stay for me.

After all, my childhood was nothing if it wasn’t for her or with her!!

My grandmother, mom’s mom – Shashikala, I love you to the infinity!!

Categories
Silent Thoughts

A shadow of gloom!

Your internal monologue jeopardizes your daily life. Get out of it, pick yourself up, and get on with what you need to!

Modified and simplified version of something I heard

Two days back…

At first, I didn’t want to work; then I didn’t want to eat, then I didn’t want to talk to anyone, then I didn’t want to watch tv or do anything I usually do in the day, then I didn’t want to be with anyone… I just wanted to be alone! I didn’t realize it until the evening, but I was sucked into it. It was a slight arrival of depression stream, and I was going deep into it with every passing minute. It was the same sinking feeling that I am so familiar with. It weighs 100kgs, and you can’t pick yourself up or feel anything beyond being numb.

Eventually, I realized there’s a short lil life dependent on me, so I had to drag myself out and start with small tiny things. I literally behaved as a child who celebrates small wins. And sailed through the day.

But, I realized today after hearing a talk in the morning that in the end, it all started with that first thought of – No, I don’t feel like working today. It isn’t easy to judge whether it is a normal feeling that you get on a Monday occurring out of a great weekend, Or it is the start of something that can eat up your whole day/ week. Days filled with child care and squishing work into it make it difficult for me to see through clearly, but slowly I feel I need a mechanism.

It is highly unrealistic to expect myself to make out the difference every time, through all that goes in the day!

Plus, it is time to see a therapist formally! I just can’t procrastinate anymore!!

Categories
Silent Thoughts

No, no! No romance for me!!

Prateek Kuhad is turning my emotions up and down, and what I can say, I love some trouble!! No, I am not talking about sex here!! He’s sowing some seeds of love, romance, that sheepish feeling of being in love, that feeling of experiencing romance in the fresh morning air, as if you’re in the best phase of your life, and might just like everything he does. Those feet are getting dragged in his direction and waiting for his text or a line that will move you within! As if you want to spend all the time in the world with him and nothing else!!

Well, I have been through all of this and it’s different dimension that you can’t return from for many months and years! Who wants to be possessed by someone such that? Not me. Prateek’s songs are reminding me that I was a romantic. Hearts and flowers! But not anymore; there’s no amount of heart-twitching songs that can take me back to being the same girl.

But I fight what Prateek Kuhad is instilling within me with everything I have got. And I love the Cold War inside of my heart, just not ready to fall in love. Not again!

I wish I could leave my love but my heart is a mess! My days they begin with your name and nights end with your name.. with your breath.. when I feel cold, I keep you close..