Tag: Pain

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My Insights

Pretzels!

The pain isn’t that we both are now all grown-up and have responsibilities. The pain is that in between those balancing acts of life, he forgot he is leaving me behind every day. That that money will fill the house but not the heart. That holding hand was once a natural phenomenon but now feels like an act of PDA, eventually leading to – Maybe it’s better, let’s not hold it at all.

We aren’t doing this purposely, even he isn’t. But this is how we have chosen to compromise. Years of putting relationship over everything else has now led us to keep the relationship at the farthest distance. But I miss him. I freaking miss everything about us.

Isn’t that what I keep saying about everything and everyone in my life? At times I feel I am a super pessimist and an unfulfilled personality that would see the half glass empty all her life. Maybe he doesn’t even like me anymore, but do I like myself? Does anyone like me anymore?

Idk; my life is like a twisted pretzel without a clear path or a start and end. Crispy, tasty, and unpredictable from the outside but very predictable at the same time. And like when one pretzel isn’t enough, for me, one complicated situation isn’t enough in my life. It has to be in multiples and equally mysterious and adventurous. Isn’t that what he knows about me? Or maybe he forgot! All these years, none of us remember what the other one likes; all lines have blurred, but the fire to make it tasty and worthwhile remains. Oh yea, I am still talking about the pretzels. Yes, the same ones I craved for in my entire pregnancy.

He and I two peas in a pod, never leaving each other’s side but constantly trying to look away from each other! Did I say I miss him?

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Do you feel complete..I don’t..

Ignore me. Don’t talk to me.

Don’t see me.

Avoid my thoughts coming in.

Don’t walk the road which I may pass from.

Stop listening to my favorite songs.

Spend more time working.

Don’t meet people who might speak about me.

Stop visiting the places where we sat once.

Ditch that restaurant forever, as last time we were romancing there.

Stop socializing more often.

Stick to the good old lousy people. It’s easier that way.

Tell yourself you don’t love me.

Decide of not meeting me again.

Avoid keeping any know-hows about my life.

Hate me in your thoughts. Keep on showing me that you hate me.

Shut doors on me. Shut doors on any of my entrances.

Fake that the life is most happiest, now that I’m not around.

Promise yourself not to love anyone again.

Have an attitude of Who the Hell Cares.

Confirm again and again that nothing hurts you. It never has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do everything you want, to forget and move on.

Just tell me something..

Can you spend a night without remembering me?

While laughing out loud, do you suddenly feel extremely empty?

When someone pisses you off, do you run out of faces to share it with?

When there is no one to listen to your clever plans about life and your small little issues? Do you think I should have been there?

Sometime in the day, do you feel ‘Oh man.. what the hell is going on in life’?

Oh Baby, just tell me do you feel complete? do you feel alive? 

Categories
Journey Silent Thoughts

Insanity of this year..

Loss, Pain. Regrets.

I had never tasted these words like I did in this year. I think I never quite understood the meaning of these words until now. Never ever lost anyone before in my life, neither did I feel the pain of not having someone around or having major – shattering regrets in life. Now I know the impact of these words – on me and others.

Till date I have always lived my life on my own terms. Like Dominic Toretto says in The Fast and Furious, ” I live my life quarter mile at a time…for those 10 seconds and less I’m free” I have been seeing few days out at the max and would jump into it. Then Morality, People, Commitments, Have To’s, Should be’s nothing else matters.

All my decisions, may they be related to Education, Job, Career, Love interests, Marriage, Any relationships or me as an individual personality all were driven by “Whether I am happy in this?” or “Whether someone I love is happy with this?” That’s it, all my decisions could be very well categorized under these two questions.

I have made many mistakes in life. May it be being rebellious to my parents, neglecting my family, breaking the commitment in relationship or dropping out from education at one point or falling in love with the wrong person. All have given me big jerks, some sailed me through to good opportunities and some landed me in a soup. But frankly all was okay, all was bearable, all was manageable until now. May be my age helped me through. I had my privileges being young, pampered and yet sensible n responsible in certain things. Every one has some “Sail through” Ace cards!

Those cards have stopped working for me now. This year outran my options to cope n still be the same.

I don’t know whether it happens to everyone or not. That overall everything in life looks perfect but deep down you know the difference between your Own self image of Jan 2014 and Dec 2014. It’s like all are pluses but there are so many minuses killing the experience of it all. And the worst part is, you can’t explain how.

For people, you have just put on 6-7 kgs of weight but for yourself you know there is a lot that freaking happened which led you into this. Loved ones may say, you are resigned about your life or doing some drastic change in your life or career but you know that – that resigned feeling is just eating you from inside and you don’t want it. For people, you can say certain person in life hurt me and I don’t want to be together anymore but in your heart you know the small little things got crushed in the process and you were left standing alone in the middle of the road. For people, I lost my grandfather and they would are sorry to hear that but only you know that – you regret every fucking minute you spent in making him wrong than realizing how much you love him. For people, the death of such an elderly man is expected but for yourself you know how it changed the face of my family or my father. For yourself you know what has changed in me after understanding the thin line between Life and Memories. For people, they may see that you are not socializing anymore but you know how your social existence is killed not just because you are a bit resigned but also because having a best friend has been a fucking nightmare and you might as well be with yourself, at least there is no emotional setback kept there.

I have never been so vulnerable to emotions of sadness, helplessness, loss, pain or regrets the much I have been in this year. And I know everyone who loves me thinks, the girl they see today is lovely & much better version of me. But yet the Daydreaming, Reckless, Carefree, Playful, Experimenting, Banging head on everything, Being happy for no reason, Unpredictable or Going with the flow kind of me is gonna be less found now.

I don’t like it but cant help much. Auto mode is very difficult to outdo, if you know what I mean. So here I am stumbling through, trying to find a way through this year.

Yet there is a good news here, Year 2014 is not coming back! Its a one-time tragedy.

Categories
Journey

Girl in the mirror..

I couldn’t recognize the girl standing opposite to me..

Who is she anyway?

I don’t know her at all.. I can hear someone laughing in the background.. Is that voice mocking me? Is it suggesting me something? ..I paid attention to the voice.. The voices were laughing loudly as if they solved a mystery just now.. I wanted to know why they were laughing.. I wanted to listen to the story they were hiding.. I wanted to know why I was being mocked.. I wanted to know if its the girl in the mirror they are mocking.. I wanted to know why that voice is so familiar.. I wanted to know why cant I realize what they were intending to say.. I wanted the reason for my restlessness.. I knew they knew something about the girl in the mirror.. I wanted to know about her.. God she looks so familiar yet so strange.. Why is she the way she is.. Come on, Voice.. Tell me something, Tell me anything.. My request is unheard, my anxiety is less cared for.. They fade away.. Now they are slightly echoing.. from someplace hidden..from far far away.. but still laughing.. still mocking.. I stood there in silence.. but they accompanied me.. I decided to ignore them, I decided may be the girl will tell me who she is.. and what is she doing here? In my mirror..

By now, I have started liking something about her.. I want her to go but at the same time I want her to stay.. but for starters, for once I want to know who she is..

I went close to the mirror to see if I can figure out some more about her.. I looked at her, stared at her.. and kept on staring.. She was Tall but a bit fat.. She was good looking but with big dark circles.. She was dark in color but she had a glow to her appearance.. She was standing but she looked like she was on her knees and looking at me.. Her eyes looked settled but they were searching for something.. It looked like she may smile any moment but there was a permanent emptiness in her face.. She looked like she was complete but there was something a miss.. I kept on thinking what’s missing.. what’s not right..what’s not in place..and I realized..Oh gosh..She’s alone.. She’s broken..She’s a dummy of herself…

Freak.. I stumbled..took two steps back..

Just then she started crying, slowly her tears rolled down the cheek.. Her breathing got heavy.. Her hands started shivering.. She started feeling cold.. Her ears became hot.. Her head started paining.. She was crying as if.. she is hurt.. that I understood who she is.. Her crying increased uncontrollably..

I didn’t mean to do that.. I never meant to give pain to her.. I was just trying to help.. I don’t wanna know who she is.. if she is hurt by it.. Freak, what do i do now..

I could feel her pain.. I could feel her helplessness.. I could feel her drowning.. I could feel her losing all senses..Slowly getting lost..

My heart sank so deep.. my restlessness grew.. my hands started shivering.. I started feeling cold..my ears became hot.. I couldn’t think anymore.. I couldn’t understand where I was anymore.. I started feeling the pain inside my chest.. My eyes started searching for something for someone.. My arms needed a hug.. My cheeks needed to be in someone’s hands.. I was suddenly so afraid.. Suddenly so desperate to runaway.. All sorrows came together.. Loneliness came and sat beside me.. I wanted to shoo him away.. Why does he visit all the time? who gives him the key to my door?.. I needed help.. I wanted someone to take me away from there.. I wanted someone who knows my story.. I wanted a hand to hold me.. A voice to say its okay.. An assuring voice, to say I’m always there with you.. I wanted someone to lie to me and say its going to be fine.. I needed warmth..absolute warmth!

I broke down on the ground.. knelt down, looking at the mirror.. and my eyes met with her.. The Girl in the Mirror.. She looked right through me!

And the laughing voices in the background.. Suddenly Disappeared!