Silent Thoughts

Ishq ka ye sitam!!

He was right here for such a long time and now I pretty much pushed him away! And what remains is this unquenching thirst that no alcohol or water can fill.

The pain is growing every day and I thought I can do this without him but I am not sure anymore.

Almost as if, there’s a hole in my heart that I am trying to forget that it exists. He travels with me fucking everywhere and now I can’t find a way to ease this pain. This wasn’t supposed to be like this, and definitely not again!

This isn’t what I signed up for and I kept avoiding this for the longest time But now that he isn’t here, I realize I have been into it forever, I just didn’t know it before!!

Hey you, I miss you!

My Insights


The pain isn’t that we both are now all grown-up and have responsibilities. The pain is that in between those balancing acts of life, he forgot he is leaving me behind every day. That that money will fill the house but not the heart. That holding hand was once a natural phenomenon but now feels like an act of PDA, eventually leading to – Maybe it’s better, let’s not hold it at all.

We aren’t doing this purposely, even he isn’t. But this is how we have chosen to compromise. Years of putting relationship over everything else has now led us to keep the relationship at the farthest distance. But I miss him. I freaking miss everything about us.

Isn’t that what I keep saying about everything and everyone in my life? At times I feel I am a super pessimist and an unfulfilled personality that would see the half glass empty all her life. Maybe he doesn’t even like me anymore, but do I like myself? Does anyone like me anymore?

Idk; my life is like a twisted pretzel without a clear path or a start and end. Crispy, tasty, and unpredictable from the outside but very predictable at the same time. And like when one pretzel isn’t enough, for me, one complicated situation isn’t enough in my life. It has to be in multiples and equally mysterious and adventurous. Isn’t that what he knows about me? Or maybe he forgot! All these years, none of us remember what the other one likes; all lines have blurred, but the fire to make it tasty and worthwhile remains. Oh yea, I am still talking about the pretzels. Yes, the same ones I craved for in my entire pregnancy.

He and I two peas in a pod, never leaving each other’s side but constantly trying to look away from each other! Did I say I miss him?

My Insights

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!


She’s.. just irreplaceable!

I’m not gonna call her my best friend. Best friends leave and I don’t want her to go anywhere.

My friend, my closest friend, my wing-woman, my just like sister friend… that’s enough i guess 😉

She has my name. Her brother has my brother’s name. Coincidence but a very good one. That’s how we started our friendship. OH YOU TOO moment!

They say everyone has a professional life, personal life and a secret life. Probably she’s the only one who knows 90% of my personal and secret life. Yes I’m not an Open book anymore, I wish i get back to be one soon!

She’s an advanced version of me. I always say that. Not advanced technologically but from being individualistic perspective and I like that about her. She lives life on her own terms, not bound by people or situations. If you are a girl who doesn’t like to be told, doesn’t like to be restricted, doesn’t like to be taken for granted, who is an absolute charmer and generous yet extremely cold and naive at times… just like me.. then you will understand what i mean!

We stay in one city but we meet once a year. We don’t talk daily but one phone call and we know everything that’s going on. We are insanely similar in few things and diversely different in some. We lie to the world but we don’t lie to each other. We crib and crib and cry and stay sad for long but we still have fun when we speak about our pains. We love people around us but yet we hate them a lot at times. We are very close to our partners but yet we have our own world where no one can enter. We know each other so well that usually the thing that needs 100 words to explain is explained in 10 words while talking. We have similar problems with the world and we love that we have them. We know we can break through the situations by ourselves but we still expect some emotional support from each other.

But there’s one major difference, i don’t scold her like she does:( Anyway, no one can scold her i guess 😉

I have been waiting for the moment when she will get married. Two people in love for such long years will create an awesome life. I am eagerly waiting to see that happen. Besides, marriage settles you, gives you a new direction in life – I believe that truly. Having a partner who loves you, understands you, knows you so well and has gone through all phases of a relationship with you has to be grabbed as soon as possible 😉

No matter how bossy she may get at times, I love her! She has been there, when no one was around. She has been there, when everything was falling apart.. She has also been there, when times were the bestest possible.. She has seen it all!

This one’s in the happiness of her marriage.. 🙂






I want to write but..

Eighteen days back, I said to myself I will not write anymore!

But I still went ahead and wrote something that came to my mind instinctively , Girl in the Mirror!

Well you saw the blog, its a package of explosives. I read it few times after publishing it, and the more I read it, the more I realize my writing is Me. It cant have a different flavor than my life right now.

So I decided I will not write unless I’m in a sane state of mind. But it’s not working out. Nothing is working out.

Not writing not being Me. Well who knows who am I anymore anyway!

For a very long time, your life runs in a certain way

Your daily routine, inspiration, support system is dependent

The element in your sanity is based on certain things

Your Love life, relationships, friendships are occupied with certain people

The person you have become is because of how and with whom you spent time

Your future is predictable as today will have tomorrow with same all of this

But then it changes

It falls apart, Its shattered into pieces, Its just fucking not there anymore

There’s only vacuum

With absolute killing Silence and heart-breaking noises in mind

And just one thought – I want to runaway

Tell me, where do I find my inspiration to go on. It has gone, that me is gone.

Am I not coping up? Yes I’m coping up, but I’m not even halfway through.

So this post is just an attempt to see if I can still put a pen to the paper. Forgive me for the rawness of it.

P.S. However surprising it may sound, I wrote the first chapter of my novel. Mark my words only the first. But now I know what I want to write about!