Tag: Family

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My Insights

That freaking daydreaming boat!

My husband believes I live on a daydreaming boat where all my wishes and fantasies show me what I want them to, and it is not real. In reality, no one can live life as I imagine it to be. No one can find someone who can ignite the passion or the interest in life or career and not hamper the reality of your day-to-day life. He says there cannot be two sides of you that want two completely conflicting things which can co-exist and yet have the ability to co-destroy your life. The one that can destroy cant create!

But I don’t believe that. I feel every person brings something new, something different in your life. They make you who you are on that day, in that week, in that year. They influence your thoughts, routine, and choices, but it is entirely up to you to keep prioritizing. Nothing can destroy you if you keep it in balance, and one day you will lose that balance, but then you will make efforts to get back up and put it in place. And that’s what life is about. Trying to strike that balance between who you are, what you are expected to be, what you want to be, or who you want to be with.

My husband, though, has a simple life, and I am happy for him for that. He sees life in black and white and doesn’t wander. He is focused, committed, on track, and in it 100% whether it is his work, child, or marriage. He is fully there, and he has no confusion or a need to see the other side of how it can be. I wish I was like that; he deserved a girl like that. But sadly, he doesn’t have one.

He doesn’t know, or maybe he does – That I am a living example of everything complex and conflicting yet beautiful in its own ways and colorful in its own ways. I am a doting mother and a considerably committed and responsible wife who puts her husband and daughter before her a million times. But, I am also a woman who is desperately looking for love or a passion that moves my earth and sky. More like a drug so intense that it will make me forget everything I am or want to be for a few hours or days. I am an example of conflicting thoughts that coincide and separate simultaneously about my sexual desires, marriage and motherhood, career and writing, OR simply about who I am right now Vs. who I secretly desire to be.

I wish it was simpler! I wish it was easier! I wish my life would have started and ended on my daughter and husband! I wish I didn’t want the things I wanted in life! I wish what I want was crystal clear! I wish I had the guts to choose, but I don’t!

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My Insights

Pretzels!

The pain isn’t that we both are now all grown-up and have responsibilities. The pain is that in between those balancing acts of life, he forgot he is leaving me behind every day. That that money will fill the house but not the heart. That holding hand was once a natural phenomenon but now feels like an act of PDA, eventually leading to – Maybe it’s better, let’s not hold it at all.

We aren’t doing this purposely, even he isn’t. But this is how we have chosen to compromise. Years of putting relationship over everything else has now led us to keep the relationship at the farthest distance. But I miss him. I freaking miss everything about us.

Isn’t that what I keep saying about everything and everyone in my life? At times I feel I am a super pessimist and an unfulfilled personality that would see the half glass empty all her life. Maybe he doesn’t even like me anymore, but do I like myself? Does anyone like me anymore?

Idk; my life is like a twisted pretzel without a clear path or a start and end. Crispy, tasty, and unpredictable from the outside but very predictable at the same time. And like when one pretzel isn’t enough, for me, one complicated situation isn’t enough in my life. It has to be in multiples and equally mysterious and adventurous. Isn’t that what he knows about me? Or maybe he forgot! All these years, none of us remember what the other one likes; all lines have blurred, but the fire to make it tasty and worthwhile remains. Oh yea, I am still talking about the pretzels. Yes, the same ones I craved for in my entire pregnancy.

He and I two peas in a pod, never leaving each other’s side but constantly trying to look away from each other! Did I say I miss him?

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Journey

I never mourned for her!

I wish she were here!

No one took me seriously when I said a part of me went missing when she left us all! They consoled me without asking the depth of this feeling…

Possibly, because I was on a high at the time.. of having a baby, for being in one of the best phases of my life, I didn’t even mourn or gave her leaving enough importance. I was relieved with her going as it reduced my family from the relentless efforts they took every day.

And now I am here. Look at other women in my morning walk, making eye contact, saying hello, asking how they are doing.. without realizing that I am searching for her in them!

It just hit me today! That she would have loved my daughter, or tell her stories about me or feed her everything I liked in my childhood or just be there. All of this won’t ever happen again.

I wish someone would have physically slapped me back on earth from that high in her last days. I wish I were better than this; I just wish I would have told her what she means to me and wanted her to get better and stay for me.

After all, my childhood was nothing if it wasn’t for her or with her!!

My grandmother, mom’s mom – Shashikala, I love you to the infinity!!

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Silent Thoughts

A shadow of gloom!

Your internal monologue jeopardizes your daily life. Get out of it, pick yourself up, and get on with what you need to!

Modified and simplified version of something I heard

Two days back…

At first, I didn’t want to work; then I didn’t want to eat, then I didn’t want to talk to anyone, then I didn’t want to watch tv or do anything I usually do in the day, then I didn’t want to be with anyone… I just wanted to be alone! I didn’t realize it until the evening, but I was sucked into it. It was a slight arrival of depression stream, and I was going deep into it with every passing minute. It was the same sinking feeling that I am so familiar with. It weighs 100kgs, and you can’t pick yourself up or feel anything beyond being numb.

Eventually, I realized there’s a short lil life dependent on me, so I had to drag myself out and start with small tiny things. I literally behaved as a child who celebrates small wins. And sailed through the day.

But, I realized today after hearing a talk in the morning that in the end, it all started with that first thought of – No, I don’t feel like working today. It isn’t easy to judge whether it is a normal feeling that you get on a Monday occurring out of a great weekend, Or it is the start of something that can eat up your whole day/ week. Days filled with child care and squishing work into it make it difficult for me to see through clearly, but slowly I feel I need a mechanism.

It is highly unrealistic to expect myself to make out the difference every time, through all that goes in the day!

Plus, it is time to see a therapist formally! I just can’t procrastinate anymore!!

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My Insights

Grass is always greener on the other side…

Frankly, I never felt like that about anything in my life. As far as I remember, I have always been very contented with my relationships, my family or my individual life so to say. There have been days when I cribbed about having no money, pathetic job or the behaviour of people around me. But the feeling of ‘they have it better’ never ever crossed my mind. I am still very clear about having the best of parents, the most amazing brother – well in fact – a lot better version than me and a gem of a husband.

But yesterday night for the first time in my life, I felt that I am not enough. That I am not the best possible option for a wife for my husband. I am completely aware of my personality and the pros & cons it comes with. But I have always lived my life for last 10 years knowing – that my loved ones don’t mind the way I am and the way I am not.

Till date, the most I valued in my life is relationships. Quite often I screw them up, but I recreate and build them again too. I have always conquered that part of my life. Job, Money, Friends, Socializing, Partying, Fun…everything else was the last priority in front of spending time with family or doing something for them. That could also be a reason I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t belong to n number of whatsapp groups, I don’t earn as much as I could have OR simply I am not liked as much as my Husband/Brother/Parents are liked in their circles.

I would always choose a nice dinner / a movie over a party OR a long drive over a night-out with bunch of people. I would choose to have cosy celebrations than loud music and strangers. I would choose a book or a romantic movie at home over a socializing attempt with relatives or friends.

I don’t like chaos, I need it quite. I don’t like loud, I like it cosy. I don’t like it with fake smiles & strange faces around, I like it known & comfortable. And that’s how I have been living my life and frankly I don’t see a problem in that. More than that, I have lived hearing from my loved ones that it is perfect, that it doesn’t matter – & you don’t need to fit in, you don’t need to change. But guess what, that bubble broke yesterday night!

After all, your personal desires ARE ABOVE anyone else’s way of living. It does overpower at some point of time. I know that better than anyone!

I have had my moments of realization this week! But this tops the list.. What changes after this? Well frankly nothing! But the after effects will definitely make me think twice before speaking a word / making a plan / expecting anything from anyone! It’s not really a good feeling to know that well you could have been a better version of a wife / a descent version of a THIS GENERATION woman..

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My Insights Observations

Disturbing thought provoking news..of a girl I hardly knew!

A girl in my office committed a suicide this Friday.

We received a condolence message on Saturday morning, my heart sank a bit but I came out of it in a few moments. I thought I will not remember it again. But it came back, again and again. I hardly knew her, just saw her doing make-up in the powder room few times. I was wondering what may have caused her death, and heard one of her friend talking it out loud that she committed suicide over a, break-up.

Suicide over a break-up with a guy, is it that simple to die?

I’m having a hard time getting it out of my head. It is difficult to realise that you never know who will be alive tomorrow and who won’t. It is scary to know that there exists a power beyond your brain which controls you. I am scared, I truly am. And extremely sad that people don’t have love around them to hold them back from doing something like this.

I know how a break-up makes you feel, its a phase which only some can survive from.

One guy who is the center of your universe till one moment, is just not there anymore. Your morning, afternoon, evening and night revolves around him. Your likes, dislikes, dreams, wishes, achievements, failures and practically everything is shaped up around him. He is your lover, elder brother, best friend, companion, saviour and partner in crime. He is one person who makes you who are. You just fucking don’t remember yourself without him, you just cant imagine yourself without him. And he is just not there anymore. He is just a shadow, a dream, an imaginary figure which doesn’t fit in your fingers, who is just an illusion when you try to take him close.

A part of you dies the day someone you love so much goes away for ever. You can never be that person again. You can never love the way you loved again. You can feel the hole in your heart, it will stay empty forever. It’s crazy, its horrible to be in such situation. But, what I also know is that you move on. You survive, you sail through, you live again. The emptiness remains but colours do get back in life.

Don’t know what she went through, don’t know why she did what she did. It is just so sad for the family and the lover who’s left behind. People left behind face the horrible destiny more than the one who dies. Irony of life and break-ups.

I always think that, one should be with a guy who grows to become your strength not your weakness. And yet, no matter how much you love someone – no guy is worth dieing for!

What can I say more, May her soul rest in peace!

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Journey My Insights

It is September again..

It’s that time of the year again, month of September – my birthday month. This must be the first time I’m writing on the occasion of my birthday. What’s so special about this time? Nothing really.. It’s the past one year that has been special or rather eventful. Extremely eventful, so much so that at one point I felt the necessity of stagnant days.

I woke up today morning and somehow suddenly realized that its a birthday month and slowly all the events from past one year started appearing in front of my eyes. I am not so happy about how it went as I was at the most vulnerable self of mine. Just whisking away in the direction the wind was moving. But I also created some amazing things in my life, unleashed new side of my life that wasn’t explored before.

I started Dancing 🙂

Oh yes, I started dancing! I had this mind block about dancing  as long as I remember. I saw people around me eventually losing interest in dancing. One day, I found myself on the dance floor with my entire family and just did not look back. However I could, I just kept dancing for more than two hours with my besties. The moment of dancing with two best men in my life in unforgettable.

Since then, till today I have danced on few more occasions. Its funny how it works, when you start loving something you start getting more n more opportunities like that. I love it, I just love dancing now. I have always had this dream of learning Salsa, it definitely looks a real thing now 🙂

I kind of lost my best friends..

Ahh this is the most screwed part of the entire year probably, which kills me even today. Well by now, everyone who knows about me knows that I dont have much friends. I have just been like that since forever and I didn’t regret that fact till last year than before. Why? because your so called friends turn back on you and then you are left nowhere. With no one to talk, share or cry with.

Oh yes, I never believed it before but people only want the “GOOD part of YOU” nobody wants you when you are Cranky, Sad, Upset or specially Demanding. They don’t want you anymore because you are not behaving the same way as before. No one wants to change things around in that friendship and spend 10min on understanding what’s wrong but they are okay breaking, altering or leaving than just being there for you. I don’t leave, I cant. That’s not in my genes.

So I was left behind.. Feeling bad, lonely at the effect of how people make perceptions about you and change!

I learned a lesson, never be a Fool in Love..

Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?
Fools in love, never knowing when they lost the game

Fools in love they think they’re heroes,
cos they get to feel no pain
I say fools in love are zeroes
I should know, I should know
Because this fool’s in love again – Inara George

Never think that, its going to stay the same way forever. Never depend on someone else for your happiness. You love too much is it, well its your problem!

I successfully pulled myself out of the Depression 🙂

This is the biggest achievement of the year by far! My family faced a lot in this period. I was as good as a ghost for many months. There but not quite. Thinking something else, talking something else. Shut in the home, not moving out. Not sharing, forget about having fun. Always crying. A laughter has to end with a cry. Just talking about leaving alone somewhere all the time. Talking of relocating alone somewhere all the time. Its not that I liked being depressed but I just could not understand what was going on. I wasn’t finding a way out of it.

But One day, I could see how people close to me were affected. And I just said, this is not how I’m repaying their contribution and love in my life. Then nothing could stop me till I broke the darkness.

I found the purpose of my life..

In a journey of Three months or so along with some unknown faces I went through a self-exploration journey, I found out the “Why” in my life. What Simon Sinek talks about in TED just doesn’t apply to businesses but I believe it also applies to our life. Why – Do – Have is the way to go in life.

I found that, the only passion and purpose of my life is “Making a Difference” in situations, in other peoples lives. What I do will only give me the satisfaction that I desire only when I work on my “Why”.

I became ONE with my family..

So much peace is back in life, I cant tell you. I am totally a different person because of this now. I went into the depth of every relation in my family and apologized where I needed to, created something new where I felt like and just involved them in smallest possible thing of my life. I took up being there biggest support and it has just changed the equation. All those small little voices irritating me have disappeared.

I love the air around my family.

I grew in my career..

I have been having big-time fall-outs in my career since last few years. But Last year was the golden year where I was totally in control of everything in my office. I learned so many new things, I produced revenue for the company, I created a responsible image of myself, I started working in niche sides of work where hardly anyone works, I kept myself away from the controversies and overcame all obstacles that came my way. I gained respect and experience like never before.

Whats next? Still figuring it out, but I will get there. As my dad always says, “You gotta keep on jumping to see whats on the other side”. I will.

I explored some beautiful desires of mine 🙂 🙂

Somewhere in that three month journey I started believing in my dreams. How crazy and unreal they might be, I started loving them. I started loving myself, which I thought was impossible before.IMG_20140727_073253

One of the things I am currently reading “Eat, Pray, Love” Elizabeth Gilbert has mesmerized me totally. I feel like I have lived every moment that Liz talks about. Now..

All I wanna do now is Go to Rome , alone or not I don’t know but I wanna see those places that she experienced of.

I also want to go on a Solo trip somewhere, I am still scared of it but now my passion for going is overpowering the fear of it.

I also want to go on a Writing workshop somewhere Out of India. I want to explore the world beyond through my experiences, my writing and set new standards for pleasures in my life.

I want to start my novel. I believe I cant write about characters, but I want to overcome that.

I guess this much eventfulness in the year is enough to speak about 😉 or else I may have turn this year into a novel. When i started this blog, I was shit interested in celebrating my birthday. But now, I am back baby! I want to celebrate my birthday just like always…

This one’s definitely dedicated to my family, the warriors of my life!

And yes how could I forget.. Modiji won the election this year!

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Journey

Getting it back together…

In last few months, I have seen myself going through the most haunting phase of life. It was that time, when nothing could make me happy or give me a moment of peace. There was just no strength to go on. It looked like everything is falling apart, Relationships were already suffering, but even my personality, my family, dreams seen with people around, ambitions in life etc. I had almost believed that its probably time to pack bags and leave. Alone. Everyday, you are so used to living your life in a certain way , so bloody used to having certain people around you that you don’t realize they might not be there when you are not putting up your great face.

Good or bad. After being left alone to either grow or perish. I realized that, I can look at this as an opportunity to fix things, create something new and start fresh. I thought to myself that people who love me unconditionally don’t deserve this ME. They deserve my love, support and liveliness around me. And I decided to get back!

Its funny how things work sometimes. The moment you decide you wanna come out of the depressing phase, you start seeing the ways in which you can do that. Its awesome to see courage coming back. Patience creeping in your body(that’s the most needed one) My view towards people started changing. I gradually started coping up!

That’s where my Happiness 10 days kicked in…

Freedom One day while lying on bed and feeling happy for no reason at all (which was rare at that time) I decided that for next 10 days I will celebrate Happiness 10 days. I will treat myself for all the Good things I do in my life. I will celebrate being me. I will eat whatever I like, I will do whatever I like and will just go all out and be happy everyday.

The main agenda of this was being able to create happiness when its not automatic to feel that. Its a very different space when your emotions are in your control and you are creating every moment the way you want it. You say it and do it  OR You say it and It happens. As you are in this profound space all the time, picking up from disappointments becomes easy too. Its not that I wasn’t sad or unhappy or disappointed for these 10days but the point is that in-spite feeling that, I was originally at peace. I could let go my anger or disappointment and get back quickly. I never in those 10days found myself weeping for being helpless. I never found myself lying on bed feeling down and thinking that nothing is going to change.

I planned every day and executed every day just the way I wanted to. When I fell short of doing that, I picked myself again. Happiness 10days were meant only for me but I am sure everyone who met me in those 10days had real fun too. They experienced a very different me than usual. They liked being around me, debate with me, share things, demand things and most importantly they and I both felt connected to each other.

I understood the power of creation in those 10days.

My friend suggested that, I should be aware of how days are passing by and share about it with everyone. Although I wasn’t that aware of every moment, I still have a list full of things to share what I did for succeeding in Happiness 10days campaign( sucha marketing word). Stay on for my next blog with elated version of those 10days :-)..