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My Insights

That freaking daydreaming boat!

My husband believes I live on a daydreaming boat where all my wishes and fantasies show me what I want them to, and it is not real. In reality, no one can live life as I imagine it to be. No one can find someone who can ignite the passion or the interest in life or career and not hamper the reality of your day-to-day life. He says there cannot be two sides of you that want two completely conflicting things which can co-exist and yet have the ability to co-destroy your life. The one that can destroy cant create!

But I don’t believe that. I feel every person brings something new, something different in your life. They make you who you are on that day, in that week, in that year. They influence your thoughts, routine, and choices, but it is entirely up to you to keep prioritizing. Nothing can destroy you if you keep it in balance, and one day you will lose that balance, but then you will make efforts to get back up and put it in place. And that’s what life is about. Trying to strike that balance between who you are, what you are expected to be, what you want to be, or who you want to be with.

My husband, though, has a simple life, and I am happy for him for that. He sees life in black and white and doesn’t wander. He is focused, committed, on track, and in it 100% whether it is his work, child, or marriage. He is fully there, and he has no confusion or a need to see the other side of how it can be. I wish I was like that; he deserved a girl like that. But sadly, he doesn’t have one.

He doesn’t know, or maybe he does – That I am a living example of everything complex and conflicting yet beautiful in its own ways and colorful in its own ways. I am a doting mother and a considerably committed and responsible wife who puts her husband and daughter before her a million times. But, I am also a woman who is desperately looking for love or a passion that moves my earth and sky. More like a drug so intense that it will make me forget everything I am or want to be for a few hours or days. I am an example of conflicting thoughts that coincide and separate simultaneously about my sexual desires, marriage and motherhood, career and writing, OR simply about who I am right now Vs. who I secretly desire to be.

I wish it was simpler! I wish it was easier! I wish my life would have started and ended on my daughter and husband! I wish I didn’t want the things I wanted in life! I wish what I want was crystal clear! I wish I had the guts to choose, but I don’t!

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My Insights

Simple sunrise

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My Insights

Pretzels!

The pain isn’t that we both are now all grown-up and have responsibilities. The pain is that in between those balancing acts of life, he forgot he is leaving me behind every day. That that money will fill the house but not the heart. That holding hand was once a natural phenomenon but now feels like an act of PDA, eventually leading to – Maybe it’s better, let’s not hold it at all.

We aren’t doing this purposely, even he isn’t. But this is how we have chosen to compromise. Years of putting relationship over everything else has now led us to keep the relationship at the farthest distance. But I miss him. I freaking miss everything about us.

Isn’t that what I keep saying about everything and everyone in my life? At times I feel I am a super pessimist and an unfulfilled personality that would see the half glass empty all her life. Maybe he doesn’t even like me anymore, but do I like myself? Does anyone like me anymore?

Idk; my life is like a twisted pretzel without a clear path or a start and end. Crispy, tasty, and unpredictable from the outside but very predictable at the same time. And like when one pretzel isn’t enough, for me, one complicated situation isn’t enough in my life. It has to be in multiples and equally mysterious and adventurous. Isn’t that what he knows about me? Or maybe he forgot! All these years, none of us remember what the other one likes; all lines have blurred, but the fire to make it tasty and worthwhile remains. Oh yea, I am still talking about the pretzels. Yes, the same ones I craved for in my entire pregnancy.

He and I two peas in a pod, never leaving each other’s side but constantly trying to look away from each other! Did I say I miss him?

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My Insights

That face in the rear-view mirror

He was a breath of fresh air when I met him. It almost felt like he rescued me. Like a cold beer went through my throat, making me shiver and happy with the stinging sensation. I noticed he was everything I wasn’t. He was carefree, successful, had friends, was popular, and he was just so clear about so many things in life. He was clear he wanted me just because, without attaching any labels to it. He was clear he wanted it all. Not fragments of life where you leave some, lose some and gain some. He was all in for the long haul. And yet, he was sure this would end one day.

He gave me a push in life without actually saying a word that implicates it. Just his presence changed the way I functioned in life. He made me realize that I am attractive and desirable and have a right to demand what I want. His presence inspired me to go beyond my comfort and write about the world without any inhibitions. Because of him, I realized that this is not the end of my free will or of the girl who had dreams that were unusual and very difficult to understand. His presence and passion for his work made it impossible for anyone not to notice him or find him attractive. He was a freaking gorgeous face that couldn’t hide anywhere, and no one could possibly look the other way when he’s constantly blabbering about the world around him.

But guess what? There is nothing but silence now. He is just not there. But, I remember the breath of fresh air, and that face. I cherish it every day.

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My Insights

The beautiful guy!

I always wondered what started all this? When and how he entered my day? How did his face, his body, his powerful and rough hands become so familiar to me? How did that particular fragrance has stayed in my thoughts? Why do I dread and also hope to cross his paths now and then? Why do I have to make continuous efforts to brush off the thoughts of his body pressing mine? Why does it still feel like meeting him would rewrite a day in my life? Not as if I was looking for someone to fill the void and make me feel all of these things. I was just plainly being myself, appreciating a beautiful guy for who he is.

And there he was! Looking as graceful as he can and entirely in his element, unaware of what’s to come. So passionate about his work and so thorough in his talks. He looked like he was bossing through his life and not the other way around, definitely unlike me. His hands moved in unison with what he was saying, and I couldn’t decide what I should focus on. His hands or his beautiful face or the talk or his lips! Or that perfectly shaped body, the one that persuades you to break your silence and appreciate the beauty without thinking about the future. The type of guy that makes it impossible to contain any emotions and pretty much jeopardizes all your plans towards life.

He is something else, he is many things in one. And yet nothing to me.

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My Insights

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

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My Insights

My 2015 blogging year in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 740 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 12 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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My Insights

Grass is always greener on the other side…

Frankly, I never felt like that about anything in my life. As far as I remember, I have always been very contented with my relationships, my family or my individual life so to say. There have been days when I cribbed about having no money, pathetic job or the behaviour of people around me. But the feeling of ‘they have it better’ never ever crossed my mind. I am still very clear about having the best of parents, the most amazing brother – well in fact – a lot better version than me and a gem of a husband.

But yesterday night for the first time in my life, I felt that I am not enough. That I am not the best possible option for a wife for my husband. I am completely aware of my personality and the pros & cons it comes with. But I have always lived my life for last 10 years knowing – that my loved ones don’t mind the way I am and the way I am not.

Till date, the most I valued in my life is relationships. Quite often I screw them up, but I recreate and build them again too. I have always conquered that part of my life. Job, Money, Friends, Socializing, Partying, Fun…everything else was the last priority in front of spending time with family or doing something for them. That could also be a reason I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t belong to n number of whatsapp groups, I don’t earn as much as I could have OR simply I am not liked as much as my Husband/Brother/Parents are liked in their circles.

I would always choose a nice dinner / a movie over a party OR a long drive over a night-out with bunch of people. I would choose to have cosy celebrations than loud music and strangers. I would choose a book or a romantic movie at home over a socializing attempt with relatives or friends.

I don’t like chaos, I need it quite. I don’t like loud, I like it cosy. I don’t like it with fake smiles & strange faces around, I like it known & comfortable. And that’s how I have been living my life and frankly I don’t see a problem in that. More than that, I have lived hearing from my loved ones that it is perfect, that it doesn’t matter – & you don’t need to fit in, you don’t need to change. But guess what, that bubble broke yesterday night!

After all, your personal desires ARE ABOVE anyone else’s way of living. It does overpower at some point of time. I know that better than anyone!

I have had my moments of realization this week! But this tops the list.. What changes after this? Well frankly nothing! But the after effects will definitely make me think twice before speaking a word / making a plan / expecting anything from anyone! It’s not really a good feeling to know that well you could have been a better version of a wife / a descent version of a THIS GENERATION woman..

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Journey My Insights

Struggle to cut through the regulars..

Many of our relationship issues are connected to our disappointments with ourselves. I strongly believe that since some time. The ego trips, clashes or disagreements that one has on a usual basis in the house are mostly because of the disappointment you have about how your life is going on right now.

For example, I love to take vacations and travel. If I get to do that often I’m a different person altogether. Everything else that I need to take care of OR not working out properly becomes a miniature issue. I sail through pretty fine from it.

I believe it is all a vicious circle where you are disappointed with yourself, then you find yourself helpless in some way, then you are disappointed that your life is not going the way you want it go, that its not so exciting any more, then you are disappointed in your spouse that he/she is not doing enough to make a difference in it, that he/she is engrossed in their individual lives more than us as a couple, then no matter how much you try to pull it altogether it just keeps falling apart. Life seems awesome for a few days and is very stagnant on others. For a while there is an ultimate warmth & intimacy in relationships and you find it vanishing eventually.

Unless you have your goals, plans and dreams jotted down. Unless you really have something to look forward to. Unless after every few years you recreate your relationships and what you want in life. Unless you and your spouse are partners in love or better in crime too 😉

Its easier said than done. That’s the exact reason why I am struggling big time right now. My mentor from my ‘Effectiveness Seminar – Landmark Education‘ that I am attending made a point last Saturday. He said, ‘Life or anything in your life is never stagnant. Its either expanding or contracting. You need to take some actions to make sure you are always expanding.’ It was a ‘Ting’ moment for me. Did I not know this before? Well I did, that’s the exact reason why I joined the Effectiveness seminar but somewhere down the line I lost my focus from what exactly I want to alter in my life.

He made another point that, ‘You will find yourself in stage of Stability when you find yourself bored, not excited or things start looking as regular’ That is a stage where you feel the need of more. Because when you come to a stage of Stability you gotta Expand. You gotta make new plans, focus on new goals, change what’s been regular and fill excitement in your life. If you don’t, you start contracting and you find yourself often disappointed than happy.

I realised at that moment, that this stage has come in my married life and/or in my individual life. Where it needs a newness. Something that will alter tomorrow.

I don’t know the entire list of things that will make a difference. But I want to start with small projects or goals that I can see now. Like taking up writing my novel, losing weight, planning a long vacation, taking a month’s break from work for writing, looking for a specialised job, moving to a different city/country and having a baby.

The plan is not concrete yet. But I have realized by now that I have high expectations from myself. And if I don’t live up to them then I am disappointed with myself. And then clearly I am disappointed with the world. And if I make plans and complete them then I am a sorted human being who hardly has issues with what’s going on around. I have also noticed that if I take out time and do what I love like writing my novel then I’m a calmer human being which eventually may lead to harmony and warmth in my relationships.

So consider this as a declaration that I am writing my novel. I am about 4500+ words down, with first few scenes laid down on the paper. I am shit scared as to what will happen next or whether I will ever complete it. But its keeping me sane, its keeping on top of things, its giving me a sense of completeness so I am writing. And the target is to complete it before my birthday in September. Sort of like a present to myself !

Here I have, something to look forward to…but still gotta keep the spark alive and work on the rest of the list…. 🙂

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My Insights Observations

Disturbing thought provoking news..of a girl I hardly knew!

A girl in my office committed a suicide this Friday.

We received a condolence message on Saturday morning, my heart sank a bit but I came out of it in a few moments. I thought I will not remember it again. But it came back, again and again. I hardly knew her, just saw her doing make-up in the powder room few times. I was wondering what may have caused her death, and heard one of her friend talking it out loud that she committed suicide over a, break-up.

Suicide over a break-up with a guy, is it that simple to die?

I’m having a hard time getting it out of my head. It is difficult to realise that you never know who will be alive tomorrow and who won’t. It is scary to know that there exists a power beyond your brain which controls you. I am scared, I truly am. And extremely sad that people don’t have love around them to hold them back from doing something like this.

I know how a break-up makes you feel, its a phase which only some can survive from.

One guy who is the center of your universe till one moment, is just not there anymore. Your morning, afternoon, evening and night revolves around him. Your likes, dislikes, dreams, wishes, achievements, failures and practically everything is shaped up around him. He is your lover, elder brother, best friend, companion, saviour and partner in crime. He is one person who makes you who are. You just fucking don’t remember yourself without him, you just cant imagine yourself without him. And he is just not there anymore. He is just a shadow, a dream, an imaginary figure which doesn’t fit in your fingers, who is just an illusion when you try to take him close.

A part of you dies the day someone you love so much goes away for ever. You can never be that person again. You can never love the way you loved again. You can feel the hole in your heart, it will stay empty forever. It’s crazy, its horrible to be in such situation. But, what I also know is that you move on. You survive, you sail through, you live again. The emptiness remains but colours do get back in life.

Don’t know what she went through, don’t know why she did what she did. It is just so sad for the family and the lover who’s left behind. People left behind face the horrible destiny more than the one who dies. Irony of life and break-ups.

I always think that, one should be with a guy who grows to become your strength not your weakness. And yet, no matter how much you love someone – no guy is worth dieing for!

What can I say more, May her soul rest in peace!