Tag: Relationships

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Silent Thoughts

Ishq ka ye sitam!!

He was right here for such a long time and now I pretty much pushed him away! And what remains is this unquenching thirst that no alcohol or water can fill.

The pain is growing every day and I thought I can do this without him but I am not sure anymore.

Almost as if, there’s a hole in my heart that I am trying to forget that it exists. He travels with me fucking everywhere and now I can’t find a way to ease this pain. This wasn’t supposed to be like this, and definitely not again!

This isn’t what I signed up for and I kept avoiding this for the longest time But now that he isn’t here, I realize I have been into it forever, I just didn’t know it before!!

Hey you, I miss you!

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My Insights

That freaking daydreaming boat!

My husband believes I live on a daydreaming boat where all my wishes and fantasies show me what I want them to, and it is not real. In reality, no one can live life as I imagine it to be. No one can find someone who can ignite the passion or the interest in life or career and not hamper the reality of your day-to-day life. He says there cannot be two sides of you that want two completely conflicting things which can co-exist and yet have the ability to co-destroy your life. The one that can destroy cant create!

But I don’t believe that. I feel every person brings something new, something different in your life. They make you who you are on that day, in that week, in that year. They influence your thoughts, routine, and choices, but it is entirely up to you to keep prioritizing. Nothing can destroy you if you keep it in balance, and one day you will lose that balance, but then you will make efforts to get back up and put it in place. And that’s what life is about. Trying to strike that balance between who you are, what you are expected to be, what you want to be, or who you want to be with.

My husband, though, has a simple life, and I am happy for him for that. He sees life in black and white and doesn’t wander. He is focused, committed, on track, and in it 100% whether it is his work, child, or marriage. He is fully there, and he has no confusion or a need to see the other side of how it can be. I wish I was like that; he deserved a girl like that. But sadly, he doesn’t have one.

He doesn’t know, or maybe he does – That I am a living example of everything complex and conflicting yet beautiful in its own ways and colorful in its own ways. I am a doting mother and a considerably committed and responsible wife who puts her husband and daughter before her a million times. But, I am also a woman who is desperately looking for love or a passion that moves my earth and sky. More like a drug so intense that it will make me forget everything I am or want to be for a few hours or days. I am an example of conflicting thoughts that coincide and separate simultaneously about my sexual desires, marriage and motherhood, career and writing, OR simply about who I am right now Vs. who I secretly desire to be.

I wish it was simpler! I wish it was easier! I wish my life would have started and ended on my daughter and husband! I wish I didn’t want the things I wanted in life! I wish what I want was crystal clear! I wish I had the guts to choose, but I don’t!

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My Insights

Pretzels!

The pain isn’t that we both are now all grown-up and have responsibilities. The pain is that in between those balancing acts of life, he forgot he is leaving me behind every day. That that money will fill the house but not the heart. That holding hand was once a natural phenomenon but now feels like an act of PDA, eventually leading to – Maybe it’s better, let’s not hold it at all.

We aren’t doing this purposely, even he isn’t. But this is how we have chosen to compromise. Years of putting relationship over everything else has now led us to keep the relationship at the farthest distance. But I miss him. I freaking miss everything about us.

Isn’t that what I keep saying about everything and everyone in my life? At times I feel I am a super pessimist and an unfulfilled personality that would see the half glass empty all her life. Maybe he doesn’t even like me anymore, but do I like myself? Does anyone like me anymore?

Idk; my life is like a twisted pretzel without a clear path or a start and end. Crispy, tasty, and unpredictable from the outside but very predictable at the same time. And like when one pretzel isn’t enough, for me, one complicated situation isn’t enough in my life. It has to be in multiples and equally mysterious and adventurous. Isn’t that what he knows about me? Or maybe he forgot! All these years, none of us remember what the other one likes; all lines have blurred, but the fire to make it tasty and worthwhile remains. Oh yea, I am still talking about the pretzels. Yes, the same ones I craved for in my entire pregnancy.

He and I two peas in a pod, never leaving each other’s side but constantly trying to look away from each other! Did I say I miss him?

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My Insights

That face in the rear-view mirror

He was a breath of fresh air when I met him. It almost felt like he rescued me. Like a cold beer went through my throat, making me shiver and happy with the stinging sensation. I noticed he was everything I wasn’t. He was carefree, successful, had friends, was popular, and he was just so clear about so many things in life. He was clear he wanted me just because, without attaching any labels to it. He was clear he wanted it all. Not fragments of life where you leave some, lose some and gain some. He was all in for the long haul. And yet, he was sure this would end one day.

He gave me a push in life without actually saying a word that implicates it. Just his presence changed the way I functioned in life. He made me realize that I am attractive and desirable and have a right to demand what I want. His presence inspired me to go beyond my comfort and write about the world without any inhibitions. Because of him, I realized that this is not the end of my free will or of the girl who had dreams that were unusual and very difficult to understand. His presence and passion for his work made it impossible for anyone not to notice him or find him attractive. He was a freaking gorgeous face that couldn’t hide anywhere, and no one could possibly look the other way when he’s constantly blabbering about the world around him.

But guess what? There is nothing but silence now. He is just not there. But, I remember the breath of fresh air, and that face. I cherish it every day.

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My Insights

The beautiful guy!

I always wondered what started all this? When and how he entered my day? How did his face, his body, his powerful and rough hands become so familiar to me? How did that particular fragrance has stayed in my thoughts? Why do I dread and also hope to cross his paths now and then? Why do I have to make continuous efforts to brush off the thoughts of his body pressing mine? Why does it still feel like meeting him would rewrite a day in my life? Not as if I was looking for someone to fill the void and make me feel all of these things. I was just plainly being myself, appreciating a beautiful guy for who he is.

And there he was! Looking as graceful as he can and entirely in his element, unaware of what’s to come. So passionate about his work and so thorough in his talks. He looked like he was bossing through his life and not the other way around, definitely unlike me. His hands moved in unison with what he was saying, and I couldn’t decide what I should focus on. His hands or his beautiful face or the talk or his lips! Or that perfectly shaped body, the one that persuades you to break your silence and appreciate the beauty without thinking about the future. The type of guy that makes it impossible to contain any emotions and pretty much jeopardizes all your plans towards life.

He is something else, he is many things in one. And yet nothing to me.

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Journey

I never mourned for her!

I wish she were here!

No one took me seriously when I said a part of me went missing when she left us all! They consoled me without asking the depth of this feeling…

Possibly, because I was on a high at the time.. of having a baby, for being in one of the best phases of my life, I didn’t even mourn or gave her leaving enough importance. I was relieved with her going as it reduced my family from the relentless efforts they took every day.

And now I am here. Look at other women in my morning walk, making eye contact, saying hello, asking how they are doing.. without realizing that I am searching for her in them!

It just hit me today! That she would have loved my daughter, or tell her stories about me or feed her everything I liked in my childhood or just be there. All of this won’t ever happen again.

I wish someone would have physically slapped me back on earth from that high in her last days. I wish I were better than this; I just wish I would have told her what she means to me and wanted her to get better and stay for me.

After all, my childhood was nothing if it wasn’t for her or with her!!

My grandmother, mom’s mom – Shashikala, I love you to the infinity!!

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Just not me

He was just here, wasn’t he? How can he not be? I imagined him touching my face and my neckline just now. Slowly moving his hands all over my body and feeling it all in. I just closed my eyes and whispered his name. I opened my lips to see if he wants to kiss me. And he did.
In my dreams. In my imagination. In my previous life. When I was me, his lover.
How can he not be here when he was so here? Like a soul touching my heart and never leaving my side. One that’s always there when I needed it, quietly, patiently, with only unconditional love and nothing else.
Not sure if it was the rains or the beer, I couldn’t help but feel his love through my veins today. He needs to start loving me a little less. And love someone else or something else. Just not me. Either of us cant endure more pain than this. This much is enough.
No, I absolutely can’t start feeling his presence in every moment in my life. No, not again. There’s nothing more heart wrenching than that.

Hey, are you still here?

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Journey

I hope it’s okay if I love you forever Jack

This line from “A Star is Born” strikes some chords it rather not have. It touched a part of me that he conquered for a while and left a mark on me that changed my view towards loving someone completely. In fact, changed my life forever. And yet, I have accepted that our time together was limited, as it should be. Well I don’t even want to have the same connection with him anymore, or anyone. I just don’t have it in me to pick up the pieces again. Shattering once was enough, I don’t want to go through that again.. But then again..

I can’t stop loving that person from those times who must have changed as the time passed by and could be totally unrecognisable now. But I guess that’s okay. It my pain to carry.

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My Insights

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.