Tag: Unconditional Love

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Silent Thoughts

Ishq ka ye sitam!!

He was right here for such a long time and now I pretty much pushed him away! And what remains is this unquenching thirst that no alcohol or water can fill.

The pain is growing every day and I thought I can do this without him but I am not sure anymore.

Almost as if, there’s a hole in my heart that I am trying to forget that it exists. He travels with me fucking everywhere and now I can’t find a way to ease this pain. This wasn’t supposed to be like this, and definitely not again!

This isn’t what I signed up for and I kept avoiding this for the longest time But now that he isn’t here, I realize I have been into it forever, I just didn’t know it before!!

Hey you, I miss you!

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Silent Thoughts

On feeling blue!

I woke up this morning with a big jolt! As if someone saw right through me and has laid down all my life on a paper with an attempt to make sense of it all. Only if they knew that it isn’t easy! It could easily be the most challenging thing they have ever done in their life…

But honestly, I wonder if there’s a person (man or woman) who wishes to unfold all of me. Like there’s no other purpose to their life than unveiling all layers of me and joining the dots. I secretly hope there’s someone ready to dedicate everything they had to happily fall prey to the pain and subtle happiness they would get from it.

But why would anyone leave their life and focus on me? Why would they be ready to fall into a journey all by themselves only to break down and being scarred for life? Yes, that can happen!

Love, maybe. But, they got to know, I don’t have space for love anymore in my life. Seriously! Well, that could be a lie. I don’t know; I am not sure. But, seriously, I don’t think I can pick up the pieces once again and act strong as if nothing happened. Whereas what actually lies underneath is far from okay. Nope, I am not that strong and optimistic about life anymore. don’t think I can do it again – Recollecting yourself, finding a purpose, rekindling the lost relationships, and spending years building myself and the life around me. Nope, too much work!

But, seriously, isn’t that what life is all about? Taking a plunge, giving it everything you got only to realize that everything has an expiry date. Followed by a gut-wrenching pain that doesn’t stop and only fades a little so that we can move on a little. So, we can put one foot in front of another. And forget and forgive and be courageous. But mind you, that pain is just hidden inside a box inside your chest. It can burst open just by a minor incident or a place, or a familiar person. Almost as if that box is waiting for it to be open and when nudged, it takes the shape of pouring rain that often ends up hurting people. Your body is then drenched in the pain one more time. To be wet, as long as you can imagine. Until you see a new purpose again or take off emotionally!

And then it’s another day. Another path. Another experience. Another passion. Another reason to live and die for. Only to freaking fall into the same ditch again.

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Journey

I never mourned for her!

I wish she were here!

No one took me seriously when I said a part of me went missing when she left us all! They consoled me without asking the depth of this feeling…

Possibly, because I was on a high at the time.. of having a baby, for being in one of the best phases of my life, I didn’t even mourn or gave her leaving enough importance. I was relieved with her going as it reduced my family from the relentless efforts they took every day.

And now I am here. Look at other women in my morning walk, making eye contact, saying hello, asking how they are doing.. without realizing that I am searching for her in them!

It just hit me today! That she would have loved my daughter, or tell her stories about me or feed her everything I liked in my childhood or just be there. All of this won’t ever happen again.

I wish someone would have physically slapped me back on earth from that high in her last days. I wish I were better than this; I just wish I would have told her what she means to me and wanted her to get better and stay for me.

After all, my childhood was nothing if it wasn’t for her or with her!!

My grandmother, mom’s mom – Shashikala, I love you to the infinity!!

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Silent Thoughts

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

 

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Silent Thoughts

Mind ramblings..

Mind No. 1: Did you know?

Mind No. 2: What?

M1: She screwed up again. This time in a bigger way, you know.

M2: Oh mannn, Really? Why does she keep doing that?

M1: Well, some people are meant for making mistakes. They cant go on with life if there is no excitement, some drama, tragedy and spice.

M2: Yeah, may be you are right! She is like that. But hows she now anyway?

M1: You know her! Holding tight.. Whether its the reason for the mess or the reason for her existence!

M2: That sounds painful.

M1: I bet it is. First deal with the mess you created. Then deal with the impacted ones. Then deal with their tantrums. Then deal with your guilt. Then deal with their disappointment. Then deal with your loneliness. Then deal with their disconnectedness. Then deal with your disconnectedness. Then deal with their stubbornness. Then deal with your agony. Then deal with their anger. Then deal with your anger. Then deal with the emptiness and void in relationships. And while dealing with all of this deal with the splurge of emotions running inside you for the reason of the mess. And eventually deal with standing alone day in day out.

M2: Mann.. That’s something. But do you think she will survive out of it?

M1: What do you mean?

M2: Like, will she be herself again? Will she ever take spontaneous, reckless and impulsive decisions again? Will she give her 110% in any relationship again?

M1: Don’t know ya! No idea as of now. She may or she may not. But she certainly lost her faith in love by many levels.

M2: How can you say that? She messed up.. She screwed it all up.. How does she get to be the one who says I have lost my faith in love?

M1: Well all I mean to say is, She has had enough of love and its after effects.. She may find her solace in something else but not love for sure. I think by now she totally believes that the choice of freedom costs a lot and that she is not ready for that price.

M2: I don’t know what to say. Understanding her is too complicated.

M1: Hahaha, you are not the first one to say that. Don’t even try understanding her. Let her be.

M2: You mean no matter how much pain she gives to others. She still gets to be the one who throws tantrums and has expectations and expects freedom and love.

M1: Well frankly, Yes! That’s how she is and that’s how she will always be.

M2: I am glad. At least that’s not changed in her.

M1: Yeah Man, Really.

M2: Do you think everything will be alright and rocking for her ever again?

M1: Knowing her and her relationships, I strongly think it will all be alright. But knowing the new changes in her, her thoughts, her beliefs and her relationships, I doubt my earlier belief a bit.

M2: Why do you say that?

M1: She was broken before. She is broken again. Earlier when she was broken she had people of her own and a place of her own. Now she doesn’t. Now she completely believes that life’s going to be boring, uninteresting and relationships are going to be disconnected & dented from now on.

M2: You mean she has lost faith in miracles and specially in her decisions.

M1: You got it.

M2: That’s scary. I worry now.

M1: Don’t you worry, you know our girl. She will somehow get everything and everyone on track.

M2: Well yeah, that she will.

M1: I just want her to start loving herself again and move on.

M2: So you think she hasn’t moved on yet?

M1: I don’t think so. But she is trying. The deeper you are in it, the slower you come out of it.

M2: That’s true. I just hope she moves on but doesn’t really move on.

M1: What’s that supposed to mean?

M2: Like move on from where she is supposed to. But not move on from her own self and others.

M1: Hmm, now I get it. You got a point there.

M2: Yeah, I just hope she pulls it off correctly.

M1: You worry again, I told you somehow someday she will.

M2: Yeah, but it cant be too late you know. She has to survive her spontaneous, impulsive nature tied to a 110% lover till then.

M1: Well it sounds a bit difficult but you never know when it comes to her!

M2: Hope she finds the light again….

Categories
Silent Thoughts

I thought..

I thought

You were gone out of my system.

That I successfully let you go.

I conquered my emotions.

I took control of my mood swings.

I thought

I could go to the same locations without being restless

That I was free from the pain.

That I regained the charge of my life.

I thought

I was ready to see you on roads

I was confident of falling in love again

I was good with just your memories

I was not lonely at all

I thought 

Its been a long time and it doesn’t hurt any more

and Its just another relationship which didn’t see the future

and it was just another experience in life which taught me a lot

I thought I was healed and back to normal to go back to my previous life

I thought I had many people to talk to and its okay if you are not around

I thought I will not miss you so much after such a long time

I thought I will never feel your touch and warmth so frequently

I thought I am done mourning over the loss and ready to take on the world

BUT

I was wrong..About almost everything!

You are still very much around, everyday, in everything I do or everything I think about.

I can still feel you in my arms perfectly fitting in there and loving me with all you’ve got.

How can it be that after so much time I cant call you my EX.. and you are still a guy who I loved a lot.

And I still do..

Categories
Journey

Getting it back together…

In last few months, I have seen myself going through the most haunting phase of life. It was that time, when nothing could make me happy or give me a moment of peace. There was just no strength to go on. It looked like everything is falling apart, Relationships were already suffering, but even my personality, my family, dreams seen with people around, ambitions in life etc. I had almost believed that its probably time to pack bags and leave. Alone. Everyday, you are so used to living your life in a certain way , so bloody used to having certain people around you that you don’t realize they might not be there when you are not putting up your great face.

Good or bad. After being left alone to either grow or perish. I realized that, I can look at this as an opportunity to fix things, create something new and start fresh. I thought to myself that people who love me unconditionally don’t deserve this ME. They deserve my love, support and liveliness around me. And I decided to get back!

Its funny how things work sometimes. The moment you decide you wanna come out of the depressing phase, you start seeing the ways in which you can do that. Its awesome to see courage coming back. Patience creeping in your body(that’s the most needed one) My view towards people started changing. I gradually started coping up!

That’s where my Happiness 10 days kicked in…

Freedom One day while lying on bed and feeling happy for no reason at all (which was rare at that time) I decided that for next 10 days I will celebrate Happiness 10 days. I will treat myself for all the Good things I do in my life. I will celebrate being me. I will eat whatever I like, I will do whatever I like and will just go all out and be happy everyday.

The main agenda of this was being able to create happiness when its not automatic to feel that. Its a very different space when your emotions are in your control and you are creating every moment the way you want it. You say it and do it  OR You say it and It happens. As you are in this profound space all the time, picking up from disappointments becomes easy too. Its not that I wasn’t sad or unhappy or disappointed for these 10days but the point is that in-spite feeling that, I was originally at peace. I could let go my anger or disappointment and get back quickly. I never in those 10days found myself weeping for being helpless. I never found myself lying on bed feeling down and thinking that nothing is going to change.

I planned every day and executed every day just the way I wanted to. When I fell short of doing that, I picked myself again. Happiness 10days were meant only for me but I am sure everyone who met me in those 10days had real fun too. They experienced a very different me than usual. They liked being around me, debate with me, share things, demand things and most importantly they and I both felt connected to each other.

I understood the power of creation in those 10days.

My friend suggested that, I should be aware of how days are passing by and share about it with everyone. Although I wasn’t that aware of every moment, I still have a list full of things to share what I did for succeeding in Happiness 10days campaign( sucha marketing word). Stay on for my next blog with elated version of those 10days :-)..