Tag: emotions

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My Insights

That face in the rear-view mirror

He was a breath of fresh air when I met him. It almost felt like he rescued me. Like a cold beer went through my throat, making me shiver and happy with the stinging sensation. I noticed he was everything I wasn’t. He was carefree, successful, had friends, was popular, and he was just so clear about so many things in life. He was clear he wanted me just because, without attaching any labels to it. He was clear he wanted it all. Not fragments of life where you leave some, lose some and gain some. He was all in for the long haul. And yet, he was sure this would end one day.

He gave me a push in life without actually saying a word that implicates it. Just his presence changed the way I functioned in life. He made me realize that I am attractive and desirable and have a right to demand what I want. His presence inspired me to go beyond my comfort and write about the world without any inhibitions. Because of him, I realized that this is not the end of my free will or of the girl who had dreams that were unusual and very difficult to understand. His presence and passion for his work made it impossible for anyone not to notice him or find him attractive. He was a freaking gorgeous face that couldn’t hide anywhere, and no one could possibly look the other way when he’s constantly blabbering about the world around him.

But guess what? There is nothing but silence now. He is just not there. But, I remember the breath of fresh air, and that face. I cherish it every day.

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Journey

I never mourned for her!

I wish she were here!

No one took me seriously when I said a part of me went missing when she left us all! They consoled me without asking the depth of this feeling…

Possibly, because I was on a high at the time.. of having a baby, for being in one of the best phases of my life, I didn’t even mourn or gave her leaving enough importance. I was relieved with her going as it reduced my family from the relentless efforts they took every day.

And now I am here. Look at other women in my morning walk, making eye contact, saying hello, asking how they are doing.. without realizing that I am searching for her in them!

It just hit me today! That she would have loved my daughter, or tell her stories about me or feed her everything I liked in my childhood or just be there. All of this won’t ever happen again.

I wish someone would have physically slapped me back on earth from that high in her last days. I wish I were better than this; I just wish I would have told her what she means to me and wanted her to get better and stay for me.

After all, my childhood was nothing if it wasn’t for her or with her!!

My grandmother, mom’s mom – Shashikala, I love you to the infinity!!

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Silent Thoughts

A shadow of gloom!

Your internal monologue jeopardizes your daily life. Get out of it, pick yourself up, and get on with what you need to!

Modified and simplified version of something I heard

Two days back…

At first, I didn’t want to work; then I didn’t want to eat, then I didn’t want to talk to anyone, then I didn’t want to watch tv or do anything I usually do in the day, then I didn’t want to be with anyone… I just wanted to be alone! I didn’t realize it until the evening, but I was sucked into it. It was a slight arrival of depression stream, and I was going deep into it with every passing minute. It was the same sinking feeling that I am so familiar with. It weighs 100kgs, and you can’t pick yourself up or feel anything beyond being numb.

Eventually, I realized there’s a short lil life dependent on me, so I had to drag myself out and start with small tiny things. I literally behaved as a child who celebrates small wins. And sailed through the day.

But, I realized today after hearing a talk in the morning that in the end, it all started with that first thought of – No, I don’t feel like working today. It isn’t easy to judge whether it is a normal feeling that you get on a Monday occurring out of a great weekend, Or it is the start of something that can eat up your whole day/ week. Days filled with child care and squishing work into it make it difficult for me to see through clearly, but slowly I feel I need a mechanism.

It is highly unrealistic to expect myself to make out the difference every time, through all that goes in the day!

Plus, it is time to see a therapist formally! I just can’t procrastinate anymore!!

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Silent Thoughts

No, no! No romance for me!!

Prateek Kuhad is turning my emotions up and down, and what I can say, I love some trouble!! No, I am not talking about sex here!! He’s sowing some seeds of love, romance, that sheepish feeling of being in love, that feeling of experiencing romance in the fresh morning air, as if you’re in the best phase of your life, and might just like everything he does. Those feet are getting dragged in his direction and waiting for his text or a line that will move you within! As if you want to spend all the time in the world with him and nothing else!!

Well, I have been through all of this and it’s different dimension that you can’t return from for many months and years! Who wants to be possessed by someone such that? Not me. Prateek’s songs are reminding me that I was a romantic. Hearts and flowers! But not anymore; there’s no amount of heart-twitching songs that can take me back to being the same girl.

But I fight what Prateek Kuhad is instilling within me with everything I have got. And I love the Cold War inside of my heart, just not ready to fall in love. Not again!

I wish I could leave my love but my heart is a mess! My days they begin with your name and nights end with your name.. with your breath.. when I feel cold, I keep you close..

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Journey

I hope it’s okay if I love you forever Jack

This line from “A Star is Born” strikes some chords it rather not have. It touched a part of me that he conquered for a while and left a mark on me that changed my view towards loving someone completely. In fact, changed my life forever. And yet, I have accepted that our time together was limited, as it should be. Well I don’t even want to have the same connection with him anymore, or anyone. I just don’t have it in me to pick up the pieces again. Shattering once was enough, I don’t want to go through that again.. But then again..

I can’t stop loving that person from those times who must have changed as the time passed by and could be totally unrecognisable now. But I guess that’s okay. It my pain to carry.

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Journey

Emotional dependency..it does take away my sleep!

Dependency, how much role does this play in our daily life? I would say a lot actually !

They divide the aspects of dependency into being dependent, independent or interdependent. Being dependent on someone is someone else pulling the strings for you. Being independent is what everyone strives to achieve! In this case, your happiness, success, decisions, consequences and more importantly your sorrows are not dependent on a person or a situation. And being interdependent, that’s how it is everyday. Entangled into many people. May it be your family, lover, friends, colleagues, boss or any damn thing. We all can’t move ahead unless we have a YES from someone. There is always at least one person on whom your things are dependent.

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If you give it a thought, its always gonna be like that! Talk about workplace or home its never gonna change. And probably that’s how we want it to stay. We just don’t realize it that way..

If we are independent of everyone around us then practically we will be all alone. Living life on your own terms without caring about another person’s priorities, work, needs or time, that is a tempting deal but doesn’t come without extreme consequences.

But then why there comes a time in our life when we want to give it a damn, we want to be the way we want. We see ourselves stuck into questions like, “Why the hell I cant just do what I want? Why cant I just be where I want to be? Why the heck I cant choose whom to be with? “. And these questions never give you an answer in return! Then it leads to all kinds of reactions like breakdown, crying, depression, anger, shutting yourself or simply walking away.

I believe “our emotional attachment to a person, decision, result or the consequences leads us into a trap of disappoint and unsatisfaction”. and it turn we loose out on everything.

When you feel that disappointment, don’t react. Wait for a second and think. What do you exactly want?

Take a minute to think. Analyze the situation.

Many situations are much more complex and include dozens of people and varied emotions. But what if we start making an effort to make things hassle free and less messier than they usually get.

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In the end, we are always going to be interdependent but how we turn the disadvantage into advantage will decide the day !!!

What do you think about this?

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