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Silent Thoughts

A shadow of gloom!

Depression? I need a mechanism to differentiate what’s what!

Your internal monologue jeopardizes your daily life. Get out of it, pick yourself up, and get on with what you need to!

Modified and simplified version of something I heard

Two days back…

At first, I didn’t want to work; then I didn’t want to eat, then I didn’t want to talk to anyone, then I didn’t want to watch tv or do anything I usually do in the day, then I didn’t want to be with anyone… I just wanted to be alone! I didn’t realize it until the evening, but I was sucked into it. It was a slight arrival of depression stream, and I was going deep into it with every passing minute. It was the same sinking feeling that I am so familiar with. It weighs 100kgs, and you can’t pick yourself up or feel anything beyond being numb.

Eventually, I realized there’s a short lil life dependent on me, so I had to drag myself out and start with small tiny things. I literally behaved as a child who celebrates small wins. And sailed through the day.

But, I realized today after hearing a talk in the morning that in the end, it all started with that first thought of – No, I don’t feel like working today. It isn’t easy to judge whether it is a normal feeling that you get on a Monday occurring out of a great weekend, Or it is the start of something that can eat up your whole day/ week. Days filled with child care and squishing work into it make it difficult for me to see through clearly, but slowly I feel I need a mechanism.

It is highly unrealistic to expect myself to make out the difference every time, through all that goes in the day!

Plus, it is time to see a therapist formally! I just can’t procrastinate anymore!!

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