Categories
Silent Thoughts

It’s been a while since..

It’s been a while since

I last saw you

I felt your arms around me

I crossed the road holding your hand

I went on a long drive having you by my side

Its been a while since

I watched a movie resting my head on your shoulder

I bragged about my new shoes

I decked myself up like I used to before meeting you

I really shared my heart out to anybody

I went on talking about my innovative plans about life

Its been a while since

I read any love stories and discussed about them with you for hours

I saw you in those characters

I wrote anything about love and life

Its been a while since

You comforted me while I was crying

I slept without sadness in my eyes

I woke up hoping something will change today

Its been a while since

I felt warm and special

I felt I am loved like a new born baby

I felt your presence in the air

Its been a while since

I spent a day without saying ‘wish I could tell him this’

I spent a day without imagining you tightly wrapped in my arms

I didn’t imagine you grabbing me from behind and holding me tight

Its been a while since

I felt my dry lips feeling your lips

You touched me the way you do

I felt your fragrance on my body

images (5)Its been a while since

I have done anything else other than missing you

I have loved anything or anyone more than I have loved you

I became a part of your life and you became a part of mine

Its been a while since my phone battery drained twice a day

Its been a while since I didn’t fake that everything is okay

Its been a while since I actually felt alive

Its been a while since you have gone, may be its time.. for you to come back..

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Journey

She’s.. just irreplaceable!

I’m not gonna call her my best friend. Best friends leave and I don’t want her to go anywhere.

My friend, my closest friend, my wing-woman, my just like sister friend… that’s enough i guess 😉

She has my name. Her brother has my brother’s name. Coincidence but a very good one. That’s how we started our friendship. OH YOU TOO moment!

They say everyone has a professional life, personal life and a secret life. Probably she’s the only one who knows 90% of my personal and secret life. Yes I’m not an Open book anymore, I wish i get back to be one soon!

She’s an advanced version of me. I always say that. Not advanced technologically but from being individualistic perspective and I like that about her. She lives life on her own terms, not bound by people or situations. If you are a girl who doesn’t like to be told, doesn’t like to be restricted, doesn’t like to be taken for granted, who is an absolute charmer and generous yet extremely cold and naive at times… just like me.. then you will understand what i mean!

We stay in one city but we meet once a year. We don’t talk daily but one phone call and we know everything that’s going on. We are insanely similar in few things and diversely different in some. We lie to the world but we don’t lie to each other. We crib and crib and cry and stay sad for long but we still have fun when we speak about our pains. We love people around us but yet we hate them a lot at times. We are very close to our partners but yet we have our own world where no one can enter. We know each other so well that usually the thing that needs 100 words to explain is explained in 10 words while talking. We have similar problems with the world and we love that we have them. We know we can break through the situations by ourselves but we still expect some emotional support from each other.

But there’s one major difference, i don’t scold her like she does:( Anyway, no one can scold her i guess 😉

I have been waiting for the moment when she will get married. Two people in love for such long years will create an awesome life. I am eagerly waiting to see that happen. Besides, marriage settles you, gives you a new direction in life – I believe that truly. Having a partner who loves you, understands you, knows you so well and has gone through all phases of a relationship with you has to be grabbed as soon as possible 😉

No matter how bossy she may get at times, I love her! She has been there, when no one was around. She has been there, when everything was falling apart.. She has also been there, when times were the bestest possible.. She has seen it all!

This one’s in the happiness of her marriage.. 🙂

 

 

 

 

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Journey

I want to write but..

Eighteen days back, I said to myself I will not write anymore!

But I still went ahead and wrote something that came to my mind instinctively , Girl in the Mirror!

Well you saw the blog, its a package of explosives. I read it few times after publishing it, and the more I read it, the more I realize my writing is Me. It cant have a different flavor than my life right now.

So I decided I will not write unless I’m in a sane state of mind. But it’s not working out. Nothing is working out.

Not writing not being Me. Well who knows who am I anymore anyway!

For a very long time, your life runs in a certain way

Your daily routine, inspiration, support system is dependent

The element in your sanity is based on certain things

Your Love life, relationships, friendships are occupied with certain people

The person you have become is because of how and with whom you spent time

Your future is predictable as today will have tomorrow with same all of this

But then it changes

It falls apart, Its shattered into pieces, Its just fucking not there anymore

There’s only vacuum

With absolute killing Silence and heart-breaking noises in mind

And just one thought – I want to runaway

Tell me, where do I find my inspiration to go on. It has gone, that me is gone.

Am I not coping up? Yes I’m coping up, but I’m not even halfway through.

So this post is just an attempt to see if I can still put a pen to the paper. Forgive me for the rawness of it.

P.S. However surprising it may sound, I wrote the first chapter of my novel. Mark my words only the first. But now I know what I want to write about!

Categories
Journey

Girl in the mirror..

I couldn’t recognize the girl standing opposite to me..

Who is she anyway?

I don’t know her at all.. I can hear someone laughing in the background.. Is that voice mocking me? Is it suggesting me something? ..I paid attention to the voice.. The voices were laughing loudly as if they solved a mystery just now.. I wanted to know why they were laughing.. I wanted to listen to the story they were hiding.. I wanted to know why I was being mocked.. I wanted to know if its the girl in the mirror they are mocking.. I wanted to know why that voice is so familiar.. I wanted to know why cant I realize what they were intending to say.. I wanted the reason for my restlessness.. I knew they knew something about the girl in the mirror.. I wanted to know about her.. God she looks so familiar yet so strange.. Why is she the way she is.. Come on, Voice.. Tell me something, Tell me anything.. My request is unheard, my anxiety is less cared for.. They fade away.. Now they are slightly echoing.. from someplace hidden..from far far away.. but still laughing.. still mocking.. I stood there in silence.. but they accompanied me.. I decided to ignore them, I decided may be the girl will tell me who she is.. and what is she doing here? In my mirror..

By now, I have started liking something about her.. I want her to go but at the same time I want her to stay.. but for starters, for once I want to know who she is..

I went close to the mirror to see if I can figure out some more about her.. I looked at her, stared at her.. and kept on staring.. She was Tall but a bit fat.. She was good looking but with big dark circles.. She was dark in color but she had a glow to her appearance.. She was standing but she looked like she was on her knees and looking at me.. Her eyes looked settled but they were searching for something.. It looked like she may smile any moment but there was a permanent emptiness in her face.. She looked like she was complete but there was something a miss.. I kept on thinking what’s missing.. what’s not right..what’s not in place..and I realized..Oh gosh..She’s alone.. She’s broken..She’s a dummy of herself…

Freak.. I stumbled..took two steps back..

Just then she started crying, slowly her tears rolled down the cheek.. Her breathing got heavy.. Her hands started shivering.. She started feeling cold.. Her ears became hot.. Her head started paining.. She was crying as if.. she is hurt.. that I understood who she is.. Her crying increased uncontrollably..

I didn’t mean to do that.. I never meant to give pain to her.. I was just trying to help.. I don’t wanna know who she is.. if she is hurt by it.. Freak, what do i do now..

I could feel her pain.. I could feel her helplessness.. I could feel her drowning.. I could feel her losing all senses..Slowly getting lost..

My heart sank so deep.. my restlessness grew.. my hands started shivering.. I started feeling cold..my ears became hot.. I couldn’t think anymore.. I couldn’t understand where I was anymore.. I started feeling the pain inside my chest.. My eyes started searching for something for someone.. My arms needed a hug.. My cheeks needed to be in someone’s hands.. I was suddenly so afraid.. Suddenly so desperate to runaway.. All sorrows came together.. Loneliness came and sat beside me.. I wanted to shoo him away.. Why does he visit all the time? who gives him the key to my door?.. I needed help.. I wanted someone to take me away from there.. I wanted someone who knows my story.. I wanted a hand to hold me.. A voice to say its okay.. An assuring voice, to say I’m always there with you.. I wanted someone to lie to me and say its going to be fine.. I needed warmth..absolute warmth!

I broke down on the ground.. knelt down, looking at the mirror.. and my eyes met with her.. The Girl in the Mirror.. She looked right through me!

And the laughing voices in the background.. Suddenly Disappeared!

 

 

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Saw you..

Saw you standing there, looking mischievous as always,

Saw you looking at me, never making it visible,

Saw you felt my presence, always denying it,

Saw you wanted to talk, never initiating it,

Saw you wanted my support, never taking it,

Saw you needing my hand in your hand, never going for it,

Saw you watching me while I talk, always resisting it,

Saw you hovering around restless, never accepting it,

Saw you wanted a hug, always waiting for it,

Saw you wanted to express, always suppressing it,

Saw you wanted to runaway from there with me, never making it happen,

Saw you wanted the time to stop between us, never wishing it hard enough,

Saw you doing nothing, taking a back seat as always!

Categories
Journey My Insights

It is September again..

It’s that time of the year again, month of September – my birthday month. This must be the first time I’m writing on the occasion of my birthday. What’s so special about this time? Nothing really.. It’s the past one year that has been special or rather eventful. Extremely eventful, so much so that at one point I felt the necessity of stagnant days.

I woke up today morning and somehow suddenly realized that its a birthday month and slowly all the events from past one year started appearing in front of my eyes. I am not so happy about how it went as I was at the most vulnerable self of mine. Just whisking away in the direction the wind was moving. But I also created some amazing things in my life, unleashed new side of my life that wasn’t explored before.

I started Dancing 🙂

Oh yes, I started dancing! I had this mind block about dancing  as long as I remember. I saw people around me eventually losing interest in dancing. One day, I found myself on the dance floor with my entire family and just did not look back. However I could, I just kept dancing for more than two hours with my besties. The moment of dancing with two best men in my life in unforgettable.

Since then, till today I have danced on few more occasions. Its funny how it works, when you start loving something you start getting more n more opportunities like that. I love it, I just love dancing now. I have always had this dream of learning Salsa, it definitely looks a real thing now 🙂

I kind of lost my best friends..

Ahh this is the most screwed part of the entire year probably, which kills me even today. Well by now, everyone who knows about me knows that I dont have much friends. I have just been like that since forever and I didn’t regret that fact till last year than before. Why? because your so called friends turn back on you and then you are left nowhere. With no one to talk, share or cry with.

Oh yes, I never believed it before but people only want the “GOOD part of YOU” nobody wants you when you are Cranky, Sad, Upset or specially Demanding. They don’t want you anymore because you are not behaving the same way as before. No one wants to change things around in that friendship and spend 10min on understanding what’s wrong but they are okay breaking, altering or leaving than just being there for you. I don’t leave, I cant. That’s not in my genes.

So I was left behind.. Feeling bad, lonely at the effect of how people make perceptions about you and change!

I learned a lesson, never be a Fool in Love..

Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?
Fools in love, never knowing when they lost the game

Fools in love they think they’re heroes,
cos they get to feel no pain
I say fools in love are zeroes
I should know, I should know
Because this fool’s in love again – Inara George

Never think that, its going to stay the same way forever. Never depend on someone else for your happiness. You love too much is it, well its your problem!

I successfully pulled myself out of the Depression 🙂

This is the biggest achievement of the year by far! My family faced a lot in this period. I was as good as a ghost for many months. There but not quite. Thinking something else, talking something else. Shut in the home, not moving out. Not sharing, forget about having fun. Always crying. A laughter has to end with a cry. Just talking about leaving alone somewhere all the time. Talking of relocating alone somewhere all the time. Its not that I liked being depressed but I just could not understand what was going on. I wasn’t finding a way out of it.

But One day, I could see how people close to me were affected. And I just said, this is not how I’m repaying their contribution and love in my life. Then nothing could stop me till I broke the darkness.

I found the purpose of my life..

In a journey of Three months or so along with some unknown faces I went through a self-exploration journey, I found out the “Why” in my life. What Simon Sinek talks about in TED just doesn’t apply to businesses but I believe it also applies to our life. Why – Do – Have is the way to go in life.

I found that, the only passion and purpose of my life is “Making a Difference” in situations, in other peoples lives. What I do will only give me the satisfaction that I desire only when I work on my “Why”.

I became ONE with my family..

So much peace is back in life, I cant tell you. I am totally a different person because of this now. I went into the depth of every relation in my family and apologized where I needed to, created something new where I felt like and just involved them in smallest possible thing of my life. I took up being there biggest support and it has just changed the equation. All those small little voices irritating me have disappeared.

I love the air around my family.

I grew in my career..

I have been having big-time fall-outs in my career since last few years. But Last year was the golden year where I was totally in control of everything in my office. I learned so many new things, I produced revenue for the company, I created a responsible image of myself, I started working in niche sides of work where hardly anyone works, I kept myself away from the controversies and overcame all obstacles that came my way. I gained respect and experience like never before.

Whats next? Still figuring it out, but I will get there. As my dad always says, “You gotta keep on jumping to see whats on the other side”. I will.

I explored some beautiful desires of mine 🙂 🙂

Somewhere in that three month journey I started believing in my dreams. How crazy and unreal they might be, I started loving them. I started loving myself, which I thought was impossible before.IMG_20140727_073253

One of the things I am currently reading “Eat, Pray, Love” Elizabeth Gilbert has mesmerized me totally. I feel like I have lived every moment that Liz talks about. Now..

All I wanna do now is Go to Rome , alone or not I don’t know but I wanna see those places that she experienced of.

I also want to go on a Solo trip somewhere, I am still scared of it but now my passion for going is overpowering the fear of it.

I also want to go on a Writing workshop somewhere Out of India. I want to explore the world beyond through my experiences, my writing and set new standards for pleasures in my life.

I want to start my novel. I believe I cant write about characters, but I want to overcome that.

I guess this much eventfulness in the year is enough to speak about 😉 or else I may have turn this year into a novel. When i started this blog, I was shit interested in celebrating my birthday. But now, I am back baby! I want to celebrate my birthday just like always…

This one’s definitely dedicated to my family, the warriors of my life!

And yes how could I forget.. Modiji won the election this year!

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Journey My Insights

Tattooing with Happiness..

Birds, Symbols, Stars, Eagles, Fishes, Doves, Smileys, Names, Quotes! Out of all this I chose to write “Happiness” on my right hand.

Happiness with a heart around it – Inked for life!

IMG_20140629_134839_edit_editIt was a big step, a very big one. Well a girl like me talking about permanent tattoo must have given a cultural shock to many. And to my Family? Family full of doctors, very well educated-cultured, doing social work kind of people and their daughter walks up-to them about getting a tattoo done. Don’t know what my parents must have felt but they accepted it very well. May be they saw that I wanted it bad. May be they could sense the feeling I have about the tattoo.

But frankly more than anyone else being surprised, I am surprised with my move. One day I had this intense passionate feeling about getting a tattoo done, I did some brainstorming on why I want it, I looked for options on the same day , I started working on the design in next few days and before a month was complete I had a Tattoo on my hand.

While traveling alone for 4hours to get a tattoo done, I realized how committed I am about it. How important is it for me to dedicate this. I realized how much love, relationships and happiness I get out of it matters to me. I realized my center of universe is my people in my life.

Why Happiness

My friend pinged me the other day and asked “Why Happiness”.. my immediate response was its “dedicated to the one/s who have given me sheer happiness in my life. Its like the puzzle of my life got completed with the presence of that happiness.”

And I was like WOW.. Was I this crystal clear about my tattoo before getting it done? Well yes, it was only lying behind the crazy enthusiasm to get it done!

I am originally a very emotional person, small things, big things they all affect me. As much as I am leading my life with a bang, I also get into depression that fast. So this Happiness will remind me that its not the end of the world, some people love you unconditionally.

Everyone has their own version of Happiness. We choose to define something as happiness and it becomes that. I totally believe that now..

To my source of happiness.. Thank you, I’m loving it..

 

 

Categories
Journey

5 things my BF’s must have hated in me…

Oh Yes !! Those of you who have been In and Out of Love, very well know how much of our lives have been impacted because of our relationships…Thankfully its true for Guys and girls 😉

One thing I’m dead sure, that guys who I have been close to Loved me with all their heart. At some point, they loved me more than anything else in life. But there also came a time, when they hated me from the core 😛

1. I Over-Share.. Well yes, I agree I do!

I want to share about the good movie I watched, excellent book that I read, romantic restaurant I went to or a blessed vacation I went to. Who likes a girl for long who talks too much or who wants you to share everything 😉

On top that, I hate to keep secrets. So I can imagine the frustration guys must have gone through because no one would like their good or bads to be published on the blog or spoken out in friends. Love is such an important thing in my life that at times, I just cant control but share with the world what you are or who you are to me.

Isn’t blogging one of the results of over-sharing 😛

2. I Over-Give in the relationship.. Heard of anyone who gives 110% in the relationship? 😉

I don’t get tired or bored of a person. I certainly can’t be mad for more than few hours( it was minutes once) So no matter what happens, If I am in love… I am always caring about you, your family, your health, your work, your aspirations and all your needs. I like to know everything and be an integral part of your life. I have no regrets in compromising my own plans if its going to give him happiness. I care more than imagined or expected.

Guys need so called space all the time ;-0, and I certainly suck at giving that!

3. I don’t like change.. If the one I love starts behaving differently its utterly difficult for me to cope!

I wait for that I love you message, casual conversation about the day, plans to meet next time or need the feeling connected always. If that doesn’t happen, it makes me restless. I expect a guy to put his commitment towards the relation first, even when we have had steaming fights 😉 Which guy on earth will do this 😉

Guys don’t like to be so emotionally connected everyday, they like to be there when they feel like it. Freaking Unbalanced scenario.

4. I am emotionally dependent.. I hate this one too!

My happiness, sadness or peace of mind depends on the partner. A fight or misunderstanding affects me like you cant imagine. I sulk, I am disoriented, I get into depression or just fall ill. It definitely might be scaring the hell out of a guy to cope up with a girl like this. I am just so used to that person being around in all good or bad moments that I loose the sight of tomorrow, if even the thought of he not being there approaches me.

They say, a girl is only a sweet friend till she is independent and not emotional !

5. You are my fairytale.. Lol.. my partners have criticized me most for this!

If we are in love, going strong then you are as good as that absolutely stunning character in a romantic novel or Jerry in PS I love you! I will gift you , I will surprise you, I will make romantic plans, I would treat our togetherness as the most important thing, I will go to any limits to support you or I will do just anything to make you happy. For me constraints of Money, Time, People or Engagements matter very less because all along you are my first priority. Most of the guys don’t treat their relation as priority..

Naturally the pressure of keeping up with my all time enthusiastic soul must be difficult 😉

With all said and done, my relationships have always ROCKED like hell 😉 With no pretense, no manipulation..only naturally flowing emotions from both (love or hate) they are PURE!!

Everyone who has been close to me deserve to be awarded for keeping up with me at some point and still loving me incredibly 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Mr. McDreamy…Dreaming along!

You are all I need , to be free.

You are my life time guarantee.

Coz i know i think of you when i am down and feelin blue

You know the days go by, they never end

It’s like they never end until tomorrow

Coz you are my lifetime guarantee

You are all I need, to be free.

Meredith sees him in the corridor of hospital , exhales a sigh which meant ‘shit I want him so badly’, feels helpless and calls him Mr. McDreamy

A grey eyed guy with crop beard , little sad face, average-ish physique , stands-out in 50 people , intelligent, humorous, lightening gaze which looks within and walks like a college guy who has no worry whatsoever. That’s Mr. McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey ) from Grey’s Anatomy.

Now you might think whats so special about him that he landed up as a topic of the blog? Well Nothing and Everything. He is perfectly imperfect. Just the way I like it.

He would wear this Orange Tee and sit at the bar enjoying his drink alone. Not talking much just thinking to himself. And a girl comes n sits beside him. He looks at her, and finds her cute says “wow she has a nice smile”. Starts talking, about the weather and work and falls for her. Eventually she falls in his arms perfectly.

That’s all how it started and went on..

Patrick-DempseyAfter a long thought,I realized I like the idea of him from the core.

A soft spoken guy making the first move, making you feel the pain in your guts because of the way he treats you, who talks endlessly about past future work dreams friends family just anything, includes you in his life in a moment, a guy who doesn’t think too much of the consequences, who takes a step first just realizing the connection two people share, who is not bound by stupid conversations of society, morality, who accepts you the way you are, who cares for your family the way you do, who puts himself second when you are around, who gets angry very quickly because he cant stand the mediocrity, who guides you in your work, who compels you to go forward and try new things, who kicks you in your butt if you dont perform, who teaches you things which you need support in, who takes you as a partner, listens to your suggestions, shares his worries and problems with you, who takes your support whenever necessary, who fulfills his responsibilities well, who doesnt just doesnt let you pay 😉 who takes you as his property at the same time gives you your space, who doesnt expect too much, who cant see you with any other guy, who doesn’t like public display of affection, who would go any heights to help you in trouble, who touches you and fills you up with love and care, whose intimacy is not bound by physical attraction but by the commitment, sometimes you will find him extremely cold hearted, sometimes you will find him stubborn and extremely egoistic, but when you think straight you will understand he is just keeping it real, a guy who will fight with you, make you angry deeply, who will neglect you, who will not talk to you for days , not say I love you for days together but will not move from his commitment an inch, who makes you fall for him everyday some more, beside him you feel completeYou feel completely loved.

Patrick-Dempsey-Male-Celebrity-WallpaperMr. McDreamy is like a sunshine who would brighten up your life and a moonlight who would fill your life with stars and romance. This is one character on TV which i lose my sleep and hunger over. I clearly know this craziness is completely crazy but seriously there is no control over some things in life or rather you dont want to have control over some things in life.

Every-time I watched him on screen, I would melt down with the idea of having a guy like that in life..but never found a face matching that character.

Until I found HIM. I just did. Like from no where, he just landed in front of me. Call it a Destiny, call it a Coincidence, call it a Serendipity. I just found him.

Its been some time, I hope he still remembers that he is still my “Mr. McDreamy”..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Insights Observations

Valentines Day..Uff not again!

Seriously, who created this day! The much I thank god for creating Birthdays , is the much I hate whoever created Valentines day!

Its been many years I have been In love, experienced many forms of love and shared lovely relationships..But boy this day is definitely over-hyped than any other celebrations..

I always face a profound battle between my girly expectations and practical thinking.

To clarify it more .. I badly expect my lover to plan for everything and making me feel like princess, getting roses and chocolate cake and a gift and telling me how much he loves me, how much he wants me in his life and trust me the list has few more pointers… 😉

CelebrateValentines_DayChocolate_freecomputerdesktopwallpaper_2560But at the same time I think, what bullshit is this? its a normal everyday sort of day. I already know he loves me, he says that everyday, I already know how much he wants me in his life, he doesn’t need to get roses, gifts and plan a lavish evening to tell me that, he already takes care of me so well; I don’t need to be felt like princess just for one day.. and it goes on..

But I know myself very well.. No matter how practically I think, I would still expect him to meet me, make plans with me and make the evening special..

After experiencing the same dilemma every year, facing good & bad valentines day, overwhelming happiness & utter disappointments and realization, I believe its time to really dig into this.

Expectations and disappointments are not new to anyone. But why expect so much on this bloody valentine’s day! I did some so called thinking.. I think there is something beyond feeling special that you expect that day. We live in a very volatile & unsteady world which is a huge hiccup in our romantic relationships. Catching-up, roaming around, sharing with each other, having someone around when you need, doing what you like together etc. all of this has become very rare. You really have to try and take efforts to be with each other to spend some quality time. And everything you do comes with a expiry duration tag.

I think on that ONE day, you want that piece of your quality time, feel of early days of relationship , freedom from worries of work & money and just some rosy time with your loved one. Its probably the Rightful day that has gotten created, for the two people to get along and speak about them , their future, their plans and their relationship. Its one day , when the two people hold hands and plan what happens next with them.

Its Sweet, Pure , Genuine and Romantic!

But one should never wait for other person to plan. Initiating to make the evening special is not over-hyped at all, its nice and might not lead to disappointments. Expectations are good but waiting for someone to take an action  and letting it lead to disappointment & fight is definitely not good for any relationship.

So this valentines day I have decided to Expect with my full heart and plan.. Whatever happens, I already know he loves me.. ;););)