Categories
Silent Thoughts

I thought..

I thought

You were gone out of my system.

That I successfully let you go.

I conquered my emotions.

I took control of my mood swings.

I thought

I could go to the same locations without being restless

That I was free from the pain.

That I regained the charge of my life.

I thought

I was ready to see you on roads

I was confident of falling in love again

I was good with just your memories

I was not lonely at all

I thought 

Its been a long time and it doesn’t hurt any more

and Its just another relationship which didn’t see the future

and it was just another experience in life which taught me a lot

I thought I was healed and back to normal to go back to my previous life

I thought I had many people to talk to and its okay if you are not around

I thought I will not miss you so much after such a long time

I thought I will never feel your touch and warmth so frequently

I thought I am done mourning over the loss and ready to take on the world

BUT

I was wrong..About almost everything!

You are still very much around, everyday, in everything I do or everything I think about.

I can still feel you in my arms perfectly fitting in there and loving me with all you’ve got.

How can it be that after so much time I cant call you my EX.. and you are still a guy who I loved a lot.

And I still do..

Categories
Journey

See you again, Paul..

I just heard the song tenth time. And trust me I don’t feel like turning it off.

He was a celebrity. He was an actor. Celebrity lives are shiny and fake. Everyone does charity. So what? None of that should actually matter for me to cry in-numerous times after hearing about Paul’s death. OR much more while watching the movie twice.

Don’t know what he had or what kind of a person he was, but I wish I knew him personally. To have felt what his family, friends, besties or girlfriend felt about him OR now feel about him when they think of him. It looks so pure, nothing looks crafted. Nothing seems a publicity stunt (though some of it might be). Nothing seems shiny and fake. Everything looks as real as it would have been for any non-celebrity good person.

13 years ago I was way young. But those eyes have reached my heart since then. That smile has been moving me since then. His ‘going with the gut’ character has touched me since then. The adrenaline and the stunts have wooed me since then. And it still does. There is a strange bond that got created with him which is unexplainable.

Now there is no Fast and Furious without you Paul! It won’t ever be the same again.. All movies after this will be just another movies!

Well,

It’s been a long day without you, my friend..

And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again..

We’ve come a long way from where we began..

Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again..

When I see you again….

Categories
Journey

Delusional reality!

Crazy isn’t it?

You are sitting and enjoying in your own little bubble of life where your issues are as small as what to cook for tonight/ I hate driving/ I don’t want to work on this project/ my boss didn’t speak to me properly today/ couldn’t get a chance to call my brother today/ I didn’t get to eat ice-cream since 4-5 days etc. etc.

Its funny how until one day the definition of routine is just a combination of what you achieved, what you failed in, what you liked/disliked or what you want/don’t want.

And suddenly you wake up one day and everything changes. Just like it changed once, when you faced a lay-off from a job OR your relationship ended miserably.

The ground you are standing on moves- not because of the earthquake but with something more effective than that. Your world collapses right in front of your eyes. All you can do is just wait and watch.

That’s when I wonder, what is reality?

Is it that we see through our eyes? OR Is it what’s being felt but yet unsaid? And if either of these is reality, then is reality a stand alone complete thing? or just a delusional concept?

Who will answer this for me? I just badly need someone who can answer it for me..

Categories
My Insights Observations

Disturbing thought provoking news..of a girl I hardly knew!

A girl in my office committed a suicide this Friday.

We received a condolence message on Saturday morning, my heart sank a bit but I came out of it in a few moments. I thought I will not remember it again. But it came back, again and again. I hardly knew her, just saw her doing make-up in the powder room few times. I was wondering what may have caused her death, and heard one of her friend talking it out loud that she committed suicide over a, break-up.

Suicide over a break-up with a guy, is it that simple to die?

I’m having a hard time getting it out of my head. It is difficult to realise that you never know who will be alive tomorrow and who won’t. It is scary to know that there exists a power beyond your brain which controls you. I am scared, I truly am. And extremely sad that people don’t have love around them to hold them back from doing something like this.

I know how a break-up makes you feel, its a phase which only some can survive from.

One guy who is the center of your universe till one moment, is just not there anymore. Your morning, afternoon, evening and night revolves around him. Your likes, dislikes, dreams, wishes, achievements, failures and practically everything is shaped up around him. He is your lover, elder brother, best friend, companion, saviour and partner in crime. He is one person who makes you who are. You just fucking don’t remember yourself without him, you just cant imagine yourself without him. And he is just not there anymore. He is just a shadow, a dream, an imaginary figure which doesn’t fit in your fingers, who is just an illusion when you try to take him close.

A part of you dies the day someone you love so much goes away for ever. You can never be that person again. You can never love the way you loved again. You can feel the hole in your heart, it will stay empty forever. It’s crazy, its horrible to be in such situation. But, what I also know is that you move on. You survive, you sail through, you live again. The emptiness remains but colours do get back in life.

Don’t know what she went through, don’t know why she did what she did. It is just so sad for the family and the lover who’s left behind. People left behind face the horrible destiny more than the one who dies. Irony of life and break-ups.

I always think that, one should be with a guy who grows to become your strength not your weakness. And yet, no matter how much you love someone – no guy is worth dieing for!

What can I say more, May her soul rest in peace!

Categories
Quotes

We deny!

​​
​We deny that we’re tired, we deny we are scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed, and most importantly we deny that we are in denial. We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after awhile the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth right in front of our faces – Grey’s Anatomy!!
Categories
Silent Thoughts

Alone.

Alone.

I have been. Even before you.

You filled the space. To remain.

Even after you.

Crazy.

I always was. Even before you.

You took it to another level. To remember.

Even after you.

Happy.

I used to be. Even before you.

You made it stay. To cherish.

Even after you.

Alive.

I thought I was. Even before you.

You made it difficult. To live.

Well, after you.

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Do you feel complete..I don’t..

Ignore me. Don’t talk to me.

Don’t see me.

Avoid my thoughts coming in.

Don’t walk the road which I may pass from.

Stop listening to my favorite songs.

Spend more time working.

Don’t meet people who might speak about me.

Stop visiting the places where we sat once.

Ditch that restaurant forever, as last time we were romancing there.

Stop socializing more often.

Stick to the good old lousy people. It’s easier that way.

Tell yourself you don’t love me.

Decide of not meeting me again.

Avoid keeping any know-hows about my life.

Hate me in your thoughts. Keep on showing me that you hate me.

Shut doors on me. Shut doors on any of my entrances.

Fake that the life is most happiest, now that I’m not around.

Promise yourself not to love anyone again.

Have an attitude of Who the Hell Cares.

Confirm again and again that nothing hurts you. It never has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do everything you want, to forget and move on.

Just tell me something..

Can you spend a night without remembering me?

While laughing out loud, do you suddenly feel extremely empty?

When someone pisses you off, do you run out of faces to share it with?

When there is no one to listen to your clever plans about life and your small little issues? Do you think I should have been there?

Sometime in the day, do you feel ‘Oh man.. what the hell is going on in life’?

Oh Baby, just tell me do you feel complete? do you feel alive? 

Categories
Observations

Life is cruel to some..

It was 10PM yesterday night.

I was returning from dinner which served my favorite cuisine.

Contended, Satisfied and Shivering with cold I waited on the Traffic signal few kilometers away from home.

Beside me waited a 65-70 year old man on a bicycle.

Just generally my attention diverted towards him to look at how he is.

65-70 year old man, on an extremely old lady bicycle, with no warmers, wrinkles all over the face, hair and mustache all whites, yawning and looking at the road – as if he can visualize the gate of his house which is still many bicycle minutes away.

While I was looking at him, he looked at me. A gaze transferred.

Don’t know what he must have thought about me staring at him.

But all I thought was ‘Life is cruel to some’ and we crib about someone not giving us enough attention. What the hell?

Shivering cold, no warmers, riding a bicycle in this evil traffic city and being so bloody old.

I cant digest it. I couldn’t see it. I thought, I should do something for people ya, it’s high time. Already in this world, people who get disturbed by these things have become extinct. The one’s who do get disturbed must do something.

Few tears rolled down the cheek, as always was disturbed for a lot of time after that, it went on and on at the back of mind.

I don’t know what to do. I still haven’t figured that one out yet.

But I wouldn’t want my grandfather to face that in his life. And all I know is, that man I saw was also someone’s grandfather.

I have to do something. I gotta do something.

It’s been few weeks, I am facing a problem.

From the people who break traffic rules to people who loiter in public places, From the elderly women who cant cross a traffic lorn road to people who travel on bicycles, From people who do 11-12hours hard jobs to women helps who work day-in day-night in corporate offices, From people who cant have proper food to people who work till they are 70-80 years old many things, almost anything is disturbing.

It just cuts through, asking me to take some efforts to release that pain on the faces.

I find a way to forget it, to move on, to divert my attention but the more I do that, the more it gets stronger.

This may have happened after my grandfather expired. God knows what changed, but the social sensations have become more stronger than ever before.

My respect for people, of how much they may be managing to do what they do has incredibly increased.

But hell yeah, its very unsettling.

Here I crib about my unsettling emotions, and there the man I saw yesterday must be trying to make the most out of what he has.

And nothing changes. 

Categories
My Insights Observations

Acclimatization

Acclimatization
Source – Wikipedia, Google

Read this word on a travel website! We leave you to acclimatize with the climate for the rest of the day.. I felt as if there is a ring to this word. Acclimatize..Acclimatize..Acclimatize 😉

Really, don’t we all do this all the time? Try to acclimatize, from the constant changes in life to the changes inside you. Life as we know it, gives us away at many circumstances and how we deal with them is our process of acclimatization.

I remember going to the college away from my parents for the first time. Leaving the hostel every morning, walking down the small alley to the college building. All alien faces around, everyone with million colored clothes with another billion expressions on their faces. Walking down the campus roads all alone with a backpack and series of questions with blood rushing fast through the heart or brains (whatever it may be). I can still feel what I felt that time.

Being afraid, Being scared and Being excited are not so different things when you are standing at the beginning of the next chapter and at the end of being a child – safe, secure and cared for at home. Right from the climate to roads, from food to the taste, from hostel room to the rough bed, from strangers to people who stare, from a huge campus to the college kattas just everything was new and yet not so exciting or satisfying. I gotta admit, somehow I never liked any of that as much as I liked being with my parents and brother. So I guess I never quite got acclimatized to the whole staying away thing or the college thing.

Relevance of this word doesn’t end here. It reflects in everyday.

We play many roles in our life. People Change. You change. Situations change. Life changes every minute & all we try in our life is to Acclimatize. All the time. 

I told you there is a ring to this word, which just struck many chords.

Categories
My Insights

The Last Lear.. Movie that remains with you!

I am no actor or performer neither have I read Shakespeare’s plays. But I can understand the language! Language of expressions, tone of voice and the meaning hidden under the lines.

The Last LearThe Last Lear is a movie of a passionate eccentric and Old stage performer of Shakespeare’s plays and a contented rational director along with a Model turned actress struggling to make her way through acting and marriage both.

When I think about it, I am confused as to What I liked the most! The story or Amitabh Bacchchan’s performance or the minute elements in the story which made all the difference. I don’t know, I can’t categorize the movie based on any of this.

It is just splendid, wonderful, realistic, different, creative and has tremendous amount of depth. Not a single moment you realize that you are watching Hindi Film actors with Indian emotions in an English language movie. Every small detail is bang on – whether it is the Look of the actors or the locations and to every emotion they express.

The Last LearAmitabh Bacchchan’s work in The Last Lear is by far the best work I have seen at this age. He paints a picture of those Shakespeare’s scenes, he lives those characters and takes you there. It gets as real as it can get in a cinema. Love, Relationships, Friendship, Commitment, Dedication and Ultimate Passion; he literally tells the meaning of these words through his acting.

With this movie, I once again realized how one thing in life drives people. They are obsessed, passionate, crazy and living for that one thing. Its the source of inspiration and also a way of life. You just cant live any other way later on. It possesses you. Just like Paul walker, His passion was racing, he enjoyed it the most, he made it his work and hobby both, he loved it the most and unfortunately his end happened while racing. But that is the risk passionate people are ready to take, they are crazy enough to risk it all.

I wish, I am that sicknessly obsessed and passionate about something in my life ever.. I am longing for the day I discover my passion!

The Last Lear, this one’s gonna stay with me for long!