Tag: Life

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Do you feel complete..I don’t..

Ignore me. Don’t talk to me.

Don’t see me.

Avoid my thoughts coming in.

Don’t walk the road which I may pass from.

Stop listening to my favorite songs.

Spend more time working.

Don’t meet people who might speak about me.

Stop visiting the places where we sat once.

Ditch that restaurant forever, as last time we were romancing there.

Stop socializing more often.

Stick to the good old lousy people. It’s easier that way.

Tell yourself you don’t love me.

Decide of not meeting me again.

Avoid keeping any know-hows about my life.

Hate me in your thoughts. Keep on showing me that you hate me.

Shut doors on me. Shut doors on any of my entrances.

Fake that the life is most happiest, now that I’m not around.

Promise yourself not to love anyone again.

Have an attitude of Who the Hell Cares.

Confirm again and again that nothing hurts you. It never has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do everything you want, to forget and move on.

Just tell me something..

Can you spend a night without remembering me?

While laughing out loud, do you suddenly feel extremely empty?

When someone pisses you off, do you run out of faces to share it with?

When there is no one to listen to your clever plans about life and your small little issues? Do you think I should have been there?

Sometime in the day, do you feel ‘Oh man.. what the hell is going on in life’?

Oh Baby, just tell me do you feel complete? do you feel alive? 

Categories
Observations

Life is cruel to some..

It was 10PM yesterday night.

I was returning from dinner which served my favorite cuisine.

Contended, Satisfied and Shivering with cold I waited on the Traffic signal few kilometers away from home.

Beside me waited a 65-70 year old man on a bicycle.

Just generally my attention diverted towards him to look at how he is.

65-70 year old man, on an extremely old lady bicycle, with no warmers, wrinkles all over the face, hair and mustache all whites, yawning and looking at the road – as if he can visualize the gate of his house which is still many bicycle minutes away.

While I was looking at him, he looked at me. A gaze transferred.

Don’t know what he must have thought about me staring at him.

But all I thought was ‘Life is cruel to some’ and we crib about someone not giving us enough attention. What the hell?

Shivering cold, no warmers, riding a bicycle in this evil traffic city and being so bloody old.

I cant digest it. I couldn’t see it. I thought, I should do something for people ya, it’s high time. Already in this world, people who get disturbed by these things have become extinct. The one’s who do get disturbed must do something.

Few tears rolled down the cheek, as always was disturbed for a lot of time after that, it went on and on at the back of mind.

I don’t know what to do. I still haven’t figured that one out yet.

But I wouldn’t want my grandfather to face that in his life. And all I know is, that man I saw was also someone’s grandfather.

I have to do something. I gotta do something.

It’s been few weeks, I am facing a problem.

From the people who break traffic rules to people who loiter in public places, From the elderly women who cant cross a traffic lorn road to people who travel on bicycles, From people who do 11-12hours hard jobs to women helps who work day-in day-night in corporate offices, From people who cant have proper food to people who work till they are 70-80 years old many things, almost anything is disturbing.

It just cuts through, asking me to take some efforts to release that pain on the faces.

I find a way to forget it, to move on, to divert my attention but the more I do that, the more it gets stronger.

This may have happened after my grandfather expired. God knows what changed, but the social sensations have become more stronger than ever before.

My respect for people, of how much they may be managing to do what they do has incredibly increased.

But hell yeah, its very unsettling.

Here I crib about my unsettling emotions, and there the man I saw yesterday must be trying to make the most out of what he has.

And nothing changes. 

Categories
My Insights Observations

Acclimatization

Acclimatization
Source – Wikipedia, Google

Read this word on a travel website! We leave you to acclimatize with the climate for the rest of the day.. I felt as if there is a ring to this word. Acclimatize..Acclimatize..Acclimatize 😉

Really, don’t we all do this all the time? Try to acclimatize, from the constant changes in life to the changes inside you. Life as we know it, gives us away at many circumstances and how we deal with them is our process of acclimatization.

I remember going to the college away from my parents for the first time. Leaving the hostel every morning, walking down the small alley to the college building. All alien faces around, everyone with million colored clothes with another billion expressions on their faces. Walking down the campus roads all alone with a backpack and series of questions with blood rushing fast through the heart or brains (whatever it may be). I can still feel what I felt that time.

Being afraid, Being scared and Being excited are not so different things when you are standing at the beginning of the next chapter and at the end of being a child – safe, secure and cared for at home. Right from the climate to roads, from food to the taste, from hostel room to the rough bed, from strangers to people who stare, from a huge campus to the college kattas just everything was new and yet not so exciting or satisfying. I gotta admit, somehow I never liked any of that as much as I liked being with my parents and brother. So I guess I never quite got acclimatized to the whole staying away thing or the college thing.

Relevance of this word doesn’t end here. It reflects in everyday.

We play many roles in our life. People Change. You change. Situations change. Life changes every minute & all we try in our life is to Acclimatize. All the time. 

I told you there is a ring to this word, which just struck many chords.

Categories
Journey Silent Thoughts

Insanity of this year..

Loss, Pain. Regrets.

I had never tasted these words like I did in this year. I think I never quite understood the meaning of these words until now. Never ever lost anyone before in my life, neither did I feel the pain of not having someone around or having major – shattering regrets in life. Now I know the impact of these words – on me and others.

Till date I have always lived my life on my own terms. Like Dominic Toretto says in The Fast and Furious, ” I live my life quarter mile at a time…for those 10 seconds and less I’m free” I have been seeing few days out at the max and would jump into it. Then Morality, People, Commitments, Have To’s, Should be’s nothing else matters.

All my decisions, may they be related to Education, Job, Career, Love interests, Marriage, Any relationships or me as an individual personality all were driven by “Whether I am happy in this?” or “Whether someone I love is happy with this?” That’s it, all my decisions could be very well categorized under these two questions.

I have made many mistakes in life. May it be being rebellious to my parents, neglecting my family, breaking the commitment in relationship or dropping out from education at one point or falling in love with the wrong person. All have given me big jerks, some sailed me through to good opportunities and some landed me in a soup. But frankly all was okay, all was bearable, all was manageable until now. May be my age helped me through. I had my privileges being young, pampered and yet sensible n responsible in certain things. Every one has some “Sail through” Ace cards!

Those cards have stopped working for me now. This year outran my options to cope n still be the same.

I don’t know whether it happens to everyone or not. That overall everything in life looks perfect but deep down you know the difference between your Own self image of Jan 2014 and Dec 2014. It’s like all are pluses but there are so many minuses killing the experience of it all. And the worst part is, you can’t explain how.

For people, you have just put on 6-7 kgs of weight but for yourself you know there is a lot that freaking happened which led you into this. Loved ones may say, you are resigned about your life or doing some drastic change in your life or career but you know that – that resigned feeling is just eating you from inside and you don’t want it. For people, you can say certain person in life hurt me and I don’t want to be together anymore but in your heart you know the small little things got crushed in the process and you were left standing alone in the middle of the road. For people, I lost my grandfather and they would are sorry to hear that but only you know that – you regret every fucking minute you spent in making him wrong than realizing how much you love him. For people, the death of such an elderly man is expected but for yourself you know how it changed the face of my family or my father. For yourself you know what has changed in me after understanding the thin line between Life and Memories. For people, they may see that you are not socializing anymore but you know how your social existence is killed not just because you are a bit resigned but also because having a best friend has been a fucking nightmare and you might as well be with yourself, at least there is no emotional setback kept there.

I have never been so vulnerable to emotions of sadness, helplessness, loss, pain or regrets the much I have been in this year. And I know everyone who loves me thinks, the girl they see today is lovely & much better version of me. But yet the Daydreaming, Reckless, Carefree, Playful, Experimenting, Banging head on everything, Being happy for no reason, Unpredictable or Going with the flow kind of me is gonna be less found now.

I don’t like it but cant help much. Auto mode is very difficult to outdo, if you know what I mean. So here I am stumbling through, trying to find a way through this year.

Yet there is a good news here, Year 2014 is not coming back! Its a one-time tragedy.

Categories
Silent Thoughts

It’s been a while since..

It’s been a while since

I last saw you

I felt your arms around me

I crossed the road holding your hand

I went on a long drive having you by my side

Its been a while since

I watched a movie resting my head on your shoulder

I bragged about my new shoes

I decked myself up like I used to before meeting you

I really shared my heart out to anybody

I went on talking about my innovative plans about life

Its been a while since

I read any love stories and discussed about them with you for hours

I saw you in those characters

I wrote anything about love and life

Its been a while since

You comforted me while I was crying

I slept without sadness in my eyes

I woke up hoping something will change today

Its been a while since

I felt warm and special

I felt I am loved like a new born baby

I felt your presence in the air

Its been a while since

I spent a day without saying ‘wish I could tell him this’

I spent a day without imagining you tightly wrapped in my arms

I didn’t imagine you grabbing me from behind and holding me tight

Its been a while since

I felt my dry lips feeling your lips

You touched me the way you do

I felt your fragrance on my body

images (5)Its been a while since

I have done anything else other than missing you

I have loved anything or anyone more than I have loved you

I became a part of your life and you became a part of mine

Its been a while since my phone battery drained twice a day

Its been a while since I didn’t fake that everything is okay

Its been a while since I actually felt alive

Its been a while since you have gone, may be its time.. for you to come back..

Categories
Journey

She’s.. just irreplaceable!

I’m not gonna call her my best friend. Best friends leave and I don’t want her to go anywhere.

My friend, my closest friend, my wing-woman, my just like sister friend… that’s enough i guess 😉

She has my name. Her brother has my brother’s name. Coincidence but a very good one. That’s how we started our friendship. OH YOU TOO moment!

They say everyone has a professional life, personal life and a secret life. Probably she’s the only one who knows 90% of my personal and secret life. Yes I’m not an Open book anymore, I wish i get back to be one soon!

She’s an advanced version of me. I always say that. Not advanced technologically but from being individualistic perspective and I like that about her. She lives life on her own terms, not bound by people or situations. If you are a girl who doesn’t like to be told, doesn’t like to be restricted, doesn’t like to be taken for granted, who is an absolute charmer and generous yet extremely cold and naive at times… just like me.. then you will understand what i mean!

We stay in one city but we meet once a year. We don’t talk daily but one phone call and we know everything that’s going on. We are insanely similar in few things and diversely different in some. We lie to the world but we don’t lie to each other. We crib and crib and cry and stay sad for long but we still have fun when we speak about our pains. We love people around us but yet we hate them a lot at times. We are very close to our partners but yet we have our own world where no one can enter. We know each other so well that usually the thing that needs 100 words to explain is explained in 10 words while talking. We have similar problems with the world and we love that we have them. We know we can break through the situations by ourselves but we still expect some emotional support from each other.

But there’s one major difference, i don’t scold her like she does:( Anyway, no one can scold her i guess 😉

I have been waiting for the moment when she will get married. Two people in love for such long years will create an awesome life. I am eagerly waiting to see that happen. Besides, marriage settles you, gives you a new direction in life – I believe that truly. Having a partner who loves you, understands you, knows you so well and has gone through all phases of a relationship with you has to be grabbed as soon as possible 😉

No matter how bossy she may get at times, I love her! She has been there, when no one was around. She has been there, when everything was falling apart.. She has also been there, when times were the bestest possible.. She has seen it all!

This one’s in the happiness of her marriage.. 🙂

 

 

 

 

Categories
Journey My Insights

It is September again..

It’s that time of the year again, month of September – my birthday month. This must be the first time I’m writing on the occasion of my birthday. What’s so special about this time? Nothing really.. It’s the past one year that has been special or rather eventful. Extremely eventful, so much so that at one point I felt the necessity of stagnant days.

I woke up today morning and somehow suddenly realized that its a birthday month and slowly all the events from past one year started appearing in front of my eyes. I am not so happy about how it went as I was at the most vulnerable self of mine. Just whisking away in the direction the wind was moving. But I also created some amazing things in my life, unleashed new side of my life that wasn’t explored before.

I started Dancing 🙂

Oh yes, I started dancing! I had this mind block about dancing  as long as I remember. I saw people around me eventually losing interest in dancing. One day, I found myself on the dance floor with my entire family and just did not look back. However I could, I just kept dancing for more than two hours with my besties. The moment of dancing with two best men in my life in unforgettable.

Since then, till today I have danced on few more occasions. Its funny how it works, when you start loving something you start getting more n more opportunities like that. I love it, I just love dancing now. I have always had this dream of learning Salsa, it definitely looks a real thing now 🙂

I kind of lost my best friends..

Ahh this is the most screwed part of the entire year probably, which kills me even today. Well by now, everyone who knows about me knows that I dont have much friends. I have just been like that since forever and I didn’t regret that fact till last year than before. Why? because your so called friends turn back on you and then you are left nowhere. With no one to talk, share or cry with.

Oh yes, I never believed it before but people only want the “GOOD part of YOU” nobody wants you when you are Cranky, Sad, Upset or specially Demanding. They don’t want you anymore because you are not behaving the same way as before. No one wants to change things around in that friendship and spend 10min on understanding what’s wrong but they are okay breaking, altering or leaving than just being there for you. I don’t leave, I cant. That’s not in my genes.

So I was left behind.. Feeling bad, lonely at the effect of how people make perceptions about you and change!

I learned a lesson, never be a Fool in Love..

Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?
Fools in love, never knowing when they lost the game

Fools in love they think they’re heroes,
cos they get to feel no pain
I say fools in love are zeroes
I should know, I should know
Because this fool’s in love again – Inara George

Never think that, its going to stay the same way forever. Never depend on someone else for your happiness. You love too much is it, well its your problem!

I successfully pulled myself out of the Depression 🙂

This is the biggest achievement of the year by far! My family faced a lot in this period. I was as good as a ghost for many months. There but not quite. Thinking something else, talking something else. Shut in the home, not moving out. Not sharing, forget about having fun. Always crying. A laughter has to end with a cry. Just talking about leaving alone somewhere all the time. Talking of relocating alone somewhere all the time. Its not that I liked being depressed but I just could not understand what was going on. I wasn’t finding a way out of it.

But One day, I could see how people close to me were affected. And I just said, this is not how I’m repaying their contribution and love in my life. Then nothing could stop me till I broke the darkness.

I found the purpose of my life..

In a journey of Three months or so along with some unknown faces I went through a self-exploration journey, I found out the “Why” in my life. What Simon Sinek talks about in TED just doesn’t apply to businesses but I believe it also applies to our life. Why – Do – Have is the way to go in life.

I found that, the only passion and purpose of my life is “Making a Difference” in situations, in other peoples lives. What I do will only give me the satisfaction that I desire only when I work on my “Why”.

I became ONE with my family..

So much peace is back in life, I cant tell you. I am totally a different person because of this now. I went into the depth of every relation in my family and apologized where I needed to, created something new where I felt like and just involved them in smallest possible thing of my life. I took up being there biggest support and it has just changed the equation. All those small little voices irritating me have disappeared.

I love the air around my family.

I grew in my career..

I have been having big-time fall-outs in my career since last few years. But Last year was the golden year where I was totally in control of everything in my office. I learned so many new things, I produced revenue for the company, I created a responsible image of myself, I started working in niche sides of work where hardly anyone works, I kept myself away from the controversies and overcame all obstacles that came my way. I gained respect and experience like never before.

Whats next? Still figuring it out, but I will get there. As my dad always says, “You gotta keep on jumping to see whats on the other side”. I will.

I explored some beautiful desires of mine 🙂 🙂

Somewhere in that three month journey I started believing in my dreams. How crazy and unreal they might be, I started loving them. I started loving myself, which I thought was impossible before.IMG_20140727_073253

One of the things I am currently reading “Eat, Pray, Love” Elizabeth Gilbert has mesmerized me totally. I feel like I have lived every moment that Liz talks about. Now..

All I wanna do now is Go to Rome , alone or not I don’t know but I wanna see those places that she experienced of.

I also want to go on a Solo trip somewhere, I am still scared of it but now my passion for going is overpowering the fear of it.

I also want to go on a Writing workshop somewhere Out of India. I want to explore the world beyond through my experiences, my writing and set new standards for pleasures in my life.

I want to start my novel. I believe I cant write about characters, but I want to overcome that.

I guess this much eventfulness in the year is enough to speak about 😉 or else I may have turn this year into a novel. When i started this blog, I was shit interested in celebrating my birthday. But now, I am back baby! I want to celebrate my birthday just like always…

This one’s definitely dedicated to my family, the warriors of my life!

And yes how could I forget.. Modiji won the election this year!

Categories
Silent Thoughts

Mr. McDreamy…Dreaming along!

You are all I need , to be free.

You are my life time guarantee.

Coz i know i think of you when i am down and feelin blue

You know the days go by, they never end

It’s like they never end until tomorrow

Coz you are my lifetime guarantee

You are all I need, to be free.

Meredith sees him in the corridor of hospital , exhales a sigh which meant ‘shit I want him so badly’, feels helpless and calls him Mr. McDreamy

A grey eyed guy with crop beard , little sad face, average-ish physique , stands-out in 50 people , intelligent, humorous, lightening gaze which looks within and walks like a college guy who has no worry whatsoever. That’s Mr. McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey ) from Grey’s Anatomy.

Now you might think whats so special about him that he landed up as a topic of the blog? Well Nothing and Everything. He is perfectly imperfect. Just the way I like it.

He would wear this Orange Tee and sit at the bar enjoying his drink alone. Not talking much just thinking to himself. And a girl comes n sits beside him. He looks at her, and finds her cute says “wow she has a nice smile”. Starts talking, about the weather and work and falls for her. Eventually she falls in his arms perfectly.

That’s all how it started and went on..

Patrick-DempseyAfter a long thought,I realized I like the idea of him from the core.

A soft spoken guy making the first move, making you feel the pain in your guts because of the way he treats you, who talks endlessly about past future work dreams friends family just anything, includes you in his life in a moment, a guy who doesn’t think too much of the consequences, who takes a step first just realizing the connection two people share, who is not bound by stupid conversations of society, morality, who accepts you the way you are, who cares for your family the way you do, who puts himself second when you are around, who gets angry very quickly because he cant stand the mediocrity, who guides you in your work, who compels you to go forward and try new things, who kicks you in your butt if you dont perform, who teaches you things which you need support in, who takes you as a partner, listens to your suggestions, shares his worries and problems with you, who takes your support whenever necessary, who fulfills his responsibilities well, who doesnt just doesnt let you pay 😉 who takes you as his property at the same time gives you your space, who doesnt expect too much, who cant see you with any other guy, who doesn’t like public display of affection, who would go any heights to help you in trouble, who touches you and fills you up with love and care, whose intimacy is not bound by physical attraction but by the commitment, sometimes you will find him extremely cold hearted, sometimes you will find him stubborn and extremely egoistic, but when you think straight you will understand he is just keeping it real, a guy who will fight with you, make you angry deeply, who will neglect you, who will not talk to you for days , not say I love you for days together but will not move from his commitment an inch, who makes you fall for him everyday some more, beside him you feel complete… You feel completely loved.

Patrick-Dempsey-Male-Celebrity-WallpaperMr. McDreamy is like a sunshine who would brighten up your life and a moonlight who would fill your life with stars and romance. This is one character on TV which i lose my sleep and hunger over. I clearly know this craziness is completely crazy but seriously there is no control over some things in life or rather you dont want to have control over some things in life.

Every-time I watched him on screen, I would melt down with the idea of having a guy like that in life..but never found a face matching that character.

Until I found HIM. I just did. Like from no where, he just landed in front of me. Call it a Destiny, call it a Coincidence, call it a Serendipity. I just found him.

Its been some time, I hope he still remembers that he is still my “Mr. McDreamy”..