Last month, my 5-year-old daughter and I went on a trip to a small village in Uttarakhand, Nathuakhan. We lived in a homestay that I stayed in twice before in 2016; once when I went on a solo trip and another time with my family. I have wanted to take her there to rediscover it through her eyes, to revalue it through my eyes, but this time being a mother. I cannot thank my stars to give me this idea to go there just with her and really breaking the usual monotony of traveling. Many of my friends, family, and acquaintances were surprised about my plan, and yet I could see how excited they were for me to experience it. Everyone around me was so amazed that I thought of something like this and were really waiting for me to come back and listen to my experience and look at our photos. We truly started the trip with everyone’s positive blessings.
And I loved every moment of that trip, my daughter explored herself thoroughly. We climbed hills each day, soaked in the beautiful views and greenery, played in the river streams, visited a local school, relished local mountain food, drank fresh and clean water coming down from the mountains, collected pine cones and painted them, drew the village on our drawing paper, slept peacefully in the afternoons, collected peaches and helped the locals and played in rainwater. She truly showed me that place through her own eyes, and I did nothing but follow her innocent steps. She made me her exploring partner and showed me that we could complement each other in the routine of school or home and in a place without a routine or structured things to do. The trip was so good that leaving our mother-daughter connection without a single soul around us and returning to routine was far harder for us than I imagined.
Looking back, the motherhood journey hasn’t been easy for me. My expectations of what motherhood will be were derived from a place of naivety and infatuation. I truly felt it would be straightforward, and could do it all without hassle. But, it took effort. I had my daughter when I was 29, but in my heart, I was still a child wanting to just love, travel and earn enough money to have fun. No real goal or passion or path was laid out before me. I never considered sacrificing each day, and having the same routine every day with a single purpose in life was a part of the plan. But taking care of a child on my own, taking a backseat in my career, and my husband suddenly growing up and becoming an entrepreneur who now prioritizes earning money and achieving greater things in life over being around me was too much to take in. I never imagined myself to be revolving around a child; I just wasn’t that person. But that happened. Initially, I thought it was just a phase and would pass in a year and a half at the maximum. But it stayed far longer than I anticipated. Gradually and, at times, unknowingly, I kept sulking and getting dragged into negativity and insecurities.
Maybe in the last 8-10 months, I have settled. I have accepted that my life is this and that this child is everything to me, and I am everything to her. And this trip felt like a great way to celebrate that.
My daughter may have suffered from my negativity and my husband’s absence a lot; in fact, I am sure she did. But throughout these 5 years or more, I not even once regretted being with her, being her mother. As a matter of fact, I kept feeling guilty about being in those emotions or having a personality that attracts negative thoughts easily. I always felt that this girl is precious with a beautiful and kind heart and deserves a better mother. But the phrases a better or good or a great mother are all subjective and full of comparisons, and I realized these thoughts weren’t right.
My husband and I had good careers before my daughter was born, and we spent good 7 years being with each other before her birth. But our world started with each other, and we were only priorities of each other. And we had no one to answer to, no one to take care of, no friend circles, and everything was simple and easy and full of connectedness, intimacy, respect, and each other’s physical & emotional presence. That equation completely changed with my daughter, and although we thought we would get back to what it was, we never did. We were wrong; I know we goofed up with this thought process. We were never supposed to find that connection again; we were supposed to find a new direction to the relationship, new ways to contribute to each other’s lives, and new methods to make each other happy with her at the center. But we forgot about ourselves and our relationship. We stopped doing anything that would count toward the betterment of marriage or elevate the husband-wife relationship. My only priority was she, her happiness, well-being, nurturing, and upbringing; his only priority was his work and business. We drifted apart and came along the loneliness, slight depression disturbed family calculations, and fighting weekends. But now things are settling down, and the clouds are clearing. We are regaining our footing in parenthood; he can let go of a few things in his business and be present for both of us. And I am a much more confident and all-the-way-through mom than before. And this trip didn’t just make us aware of what we need to work on but also showed us how much we mean to each other and how much we need each other. It showed how my daughter holds us together, and we both hold the family.
Before this, I was a girl who constantly sought attention, love, and happiness in things and people around me. And even though I still fall into the same trap many times today, it settles me now to know that my daughter finds her happiness in me, in both of us and in us as a unit. And that gave me wings, that gave me a home. She’s an extension of me, a better version of me – almost like a guiding light that put our lives on track and for the better.
I know I am a fine mother (although I sometimes doubt myself). The childhood experiences, free environment, and conscious efforts I take for her to be a beautiful, gentle, and strong human being are worth patting my back for. Despite my limitations, I am doing a great job and will continue to do it. But maybe now on with a lot more positivity. And this trip put me on that path.
A friend said a line the other day that the more you invest in yourself to be happy, calm, strong, and a mindful parent, the better childhood your kids will have. How true is that! And how much I want that to happen!
herbeautifulchaos 